Song in my head

This song kept playing in my head.

In the image of God, we were made long ago,
with the purpose divine, here his glory to show;
But we failed Him one day, and like sheep went astray,
thinking not of the cost, we His likeness had lost.
But from eternity, God had in mind,
the work of Calvary, the lost to find;
From His heaven so broad, Christ came down earth to trod,
so that men might live again in the image of God.

Now that I have believed, and the Saviour received,
now that I from the guilt, of my sins am relieved,
I will live for my Lord, counting no gain nor loss,
but for love thinking of, what His likeness has caused
I'll never comprehend, redemption's plan,
how Christ could condescend, to die for me;
Such a Saviour I'll praise, till the end of my days,
as I upward, onward climb, in the image of God

God has been impressing this hymn upon my heart for quite a few days now.

Redenmption's plan is something I could not understand. Why God would send His Son? But this I hope to do, to live my life worthy of His name, in my words, conducts and thoughts.

Lord, it's my prayer that this desire continues to grow nd burn like the candle which never goes out.

Stereotype and humility

Some additional thoughts.


I had dinner with two lovely sisters yesterday night. We reminisced bout the past, we shared bout our experiences after having to work for some time now, we share bout our passion and gossips. But one thing that kept me extremely thankful is that none of us has changed. We still share the same dreams of seeing God to work wonders in our lives. We still continue to pray for God to work among us, we longed to see more people being raised and more workers to be raised. We long to see a revival in our church, in our homes, in our work places and in our country.

Along the way, a sister pointed out that unknowingly we were taught to stereotype. We paused and thought. She was right. I remember in my conversations with my colleagues on life partners. I said that he must not be a smoker. They all jumped at my statement and claimed that smoking is a habit and like other habits, can be changed and improved. The Bible teaches us to love the sinner but hate the sin but here I am judging even the person. And even when I join other assembly's camps, I tend to see them in a different light. I was judging them in the way they read or sing. Oh God, please forgive me for my sins. I'm at not position to judge and there's no reason for me to think that I'm in anyway higher than anyone else. God, You alone deserve the praise and glory.

It's really important to keep our feet on the ground and be humble at all times. Lord, be my guard.

My God is good

The past few weeks have been different and a fresh breath to my almost-becoming-mundane life. It has just been about work , a little of church, friends and family. The pace of life was so quick for the past months that I lost track of a lot of things. I was quickly ushered in into a new project even before my previous project ended. Life was speeding past me and I couldn’t catch up.

Timely, however, it’s the month of August, the month of camps. I believe this is timely because it wouldn’t be if not for God. I went for a bible conference where speakers like Peter Ferry and Shawn Abigail spoke. It drew many stares for the fact that I’m going for this conference instead of my annual family camp, held on a adjacent-yet-not-so-adjacent hill. Some gave me blunt-beyond-shocked faces punctuated with many whys. Having decided, I went ahead. It was a great conference. Peter Ferry spoke on Malachi and Shawn Abigail on Dispensationalism. If you think dispensationalism is a higher learning, you are deadly wrong. In fact, it is very fundamental and in my opinion, crucial to all believers. Dispensation talk about stewardship and how God dealt with people of and at different periods. There are dispensation of innocence, conscience, human government, promise, law, grace and kingdom. It is an orderly arrangement, administration and interaction between God and His people.

Dispensation of innocence begun in the Garden of Eden where God told Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Innocent and all they need to do was to obey and Adam was given authority to rule over all the earth. But they failed to obey and just when they sinned, they realized they were naked. Then, dispensation of conscience begins. After being driven out of the garden, they had to feed themselves. And despite having conscience to distinguish between right and wrong, man still sin. Cain murdered Abel. People thought they could reach heavens if they unite, hence the tower of Babel and many other instances. Man still sin. Their conscience is marred. Then, they wanted ruler to be over them, hence the dispensation of human government. But despite having human leaders, man fails to obey too. God then promised Abraham that He would through him, bring forth many descendants. This is the dispensation of promise. But Abram didn’t believe and had Ishmael with his maid servant. Man fails yet again. God then brings forth the dispensation of law. Man had to obey 613 laws and needless to say, they fail. Then it was the dispensation of grace, This is the period that we are living in. God sent His Son to die on the cross for us and by His grace, we are saved. But man still do not believe God. The bible speaks of the return of Christ by which the dispensation of millennium will begin. The bible also speak of the failure of man to believe for many will be cast into the lake of fire. In each dispensation however, God still gets the glory.

The reason why I say this is fundamental is because it really is and it helps you understand why God treats people differently at different times. I find it really helpful and now I’m being able to see the bible in a different light. I always thought that the OT has nothing to do with me, all the more when the church is not Israel and Israel is not the church. But now I see why it’s this way. God deals with His people differently at different time. You would see how gracious our God is in each period and how sinful man is. God truly gets the glory in the end because He’s God. I always thought that God would definitely get the glory because, well, He’s the main player and He does what He wants but now I understand the sovereignty of God. He just deserves and He gets the glory ultimately because man is useless. We cannot outbeat or out wit God. Soli Deo Gloria! To God alone be the glory! Amen!

I didn’t intend it to be a message but I felt the need to explain because it would really be good if all of us understand this truth. To read more, go to Shawn Abigail’s website at brethrenonline.org. He has many writings there. Apart from the enlightening messages, conference was good because you get to meet people from different assemblies. It’s good to make friends. Though I went alone and many thought it was weird, I survived it and I met some really wonderful people who loves the Lord and are passionate for His work. I am looking forward to next year’s already. It would be excellent and beneficial for everyone, especially the youth in our assembly to attend. Healthy exposure.

Then, last weekend, I was at another camp. This time round, it was a youth camp for students up to young working adults. It was another refreshing camp. I didn’t have much of a cultural shock and it was acceptable. There, I see something which I longed to see within my assembly. I see out poured passion for God. There was so much energy and I believe God could use these passionate and energetic youth for His work. It wasn’t the hype or spur of the moment, though I would say intense repetition of verses and choruses are not necessary but it’s impactful. It has been my prayer lately that God will raise more and more people for His work. More workers to go out and bring people into the church. For His people to love Him more, so much that it overspills and non-Christians testify to that testimony and be saved. My heart aches seeing my unsaved family and friends at different juncture of my life. My heart aches when I see the condition of our country. As grateful as I am that I’m in a country that doesn’t discriminate against Christians, I longed to see more souls being saved. And I see such love and passion at the camp. I remember someone said that we are so heavy in knowledge that we lacked the doing. We failed to allow God to work or to use us for Him. Because we don’t trust in our hearts though we do by head, we deny God in displaying His mighty power.

And the recent Passion conference I went to, it brought a grim reminder that greater things are yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city. There’s so much work more to do, within or outside our assembly. I remember I gave up in my service with the youth because I didn’t see myself contributing to them. Now thinking back, maybe it wasn’t the area for me. How Lord can I be used? I want to see changes. I want to see your people being passionate for you. I want to see the spirit of sharing being manifested in church.

Would you use me, Lord?

My prayer is this, that this desire to serve and to make a change for our God will not die of with time. And my fellow friends, there are so much more to do for our God. Let’s strife harder.

Hosea and Gomer

Don’t know what He sees in me
He is spirit, he is free
And I, the wife of adultery
Gomer is my name
Simply more than I can see
How he keeps on forgiving me
How he keeps his sanity
Hosea, you’re a fool


CHORUS:

A fool to love someone like me
A fool to suffer silently
But sometimes through your eyes I seeI’d rather be a fool
The fondness of a father
The passion of a child
The tenderness of a loving friend
An understanding smile
All of this and so much moreYou’ve lavished on a faithless whore
I’ve never known love like this before
Hosea, you’re a fool


CHORUS


This God of yours would not have told
To lift a love that you couldn’t hold
And though time and time again
I fleeI’m always glad to see you coming after me
Simply more than I can see
How he keeps on forgiving me
The wife of adultery
And Gomer is my name

I was thinking

This is a serious attempt to revive this blog. Haha..It's been dead for some months now. Darsh told me she gave up reading my blog because I never update it. My only excuse is that I've had my hands full on other things, work, family, church...Soemtimes, after working for a good 10 hours, you wouldnt want to face the computer anymore when you reach home.
Anyway..Much has happened during these absence. I've had my prayers answered, there were breakthroughs in my family, some major accident nearly wreaked my family apart, insight to the reality of human evil-ness, power of tongues and weakness of the heart when it comes to emotions. I've also experienced the goodness of our Lord..Man..it's been wonderful.
To start off, work hasnt been very interesting. To a point, it's becoming draggy. I was once very sure that this is where God wants me to be and with Him leading me here, I'm prepared to stay to learn but I am not sure till when. I need to revive my spiritual life as well, I need to pick up on reading the bible every night.
My family was involved in a major accident last Saturday. They were coming down from Ipoh and soon, it began to rain and puddles of water were on the road. Needless to say, they skidded on the road, hit the divider and turned and spinned before landing on the emergency lane. Thankfully, God has really been gracious to this family. They all escaped unhurt. With no visible serious injuries. Went for check-ups and thank God that they did not sustain any internal injuries as well. It's really my prayer and I hope it would be yours aswell even as you read this that it would be an opening to a soul searching experience for each one of them as they pass from that valley of death. God has truly held each one of them closely and that none were lost. Havent had the opportunity to see the wreakage and could only imagined. But mum said it was really bad.
Side tracked, had a sleepover in my house that day with a few close friends. Been so long since we caught up. And it was so good to hear from them. One related matters of the heart and as exciting as it sounds to me, it also dawns upon me the reality of temptations and how weak our body can be. It's undeniably true that feelings can be very over powering. Especially when you've been showered with so much attention. This dear sister pointed out one bit," Non-believers accept me better than Christian brothers."
I paused and thought, that was very true. It's such a shame that we who belong to the family of God feel unbelonged within our family. With no fingers pointing anywhere, it's good for us to pause and think. I was brought up in a way where unequally yoked relationships will never work. I dont deny that there are some successful ones where one partner eventually embraced Christ and both grew very strongly. But there must be a reason why God put that verse in Corinthians to remind us not to be unequally yoked. Since I came out to work, my circle of friends are mostly non-believers. It's been a real blessing having these friends around. We clicked well, we enjoyed doing things together. We shared stories, experiences, gossips..With the guys in the group being attached (which helped greatly because it would mean totally out of the consideration), I couldnt help but thought that they guys are really more interesting people. Comparing with the guys I see in church. Perhaps it was different up bringing, family background. There's this sense of maturity that I dont find among the already scared population of eligible males in church.
Thankfully however, I have a group of wonderful and close cliques of girlfriends who stand by the same principles as me. God say." Do not be unequally yoked." Therefore, I shall no be unequally yoked. I trust that God would honour this obedience as He has honoured so many before. As for this sister, it is truly my prayer that you would seek His will above all and as you strive to obey Him, He would honour you in return.We just need to stand by faith and with each other in this case (which I have no doubt we would stand by each other)
Breakthroughs in my family. My parents finally went to listen to a chinese testimony and gospel in a church in KL. I had always wondered how would God speak to my dad and indeed, He has opened a door just yet, in His perfect timing! I pray and hope that God would continually working miracles within this family and that we would all come to the knowledge of His saving grace.

-Untitled-

My HOE invited me to a fellowship lunch, held every Friday on the floor above mine for all Dialog christian employees. The aim was to recognise the christians around, have fellowship together and to encourage and remind each other of our roles in lives as followers of Christ despite the busy-ness in at work. It was for good course of course. I went and sat down in a circle. As the clock strikes one, more and more people came in through that far corner door into the room. I know most who came in but I did not know they too were believers. Just as I sat on that chair and looked around me, a sense of sadness overwhelmed me. I was shamefully reminded of my outburst and constant complaining and "cursing" at some who came in because of indifference at work. I was also shamefully reminded of the strife we had because of indifference. And as we sang and he played the guitar, I stared in shameful awe. Standing beside me, playing the guitar and leading the singspiration was the man whom I earlier conflicted with. And I thought, what hipocrisy. As I judged this man, I was brought to a reminder that God too is judging me. I had also sinned the same sins. I prayed that God would realign my actions and thoughts at work that as I professed that I am your follower, let me be truly a practising believer. I prayed that God will radiate His love to the people within this building through ugly vessels like me and that I would always be mindful of my actions less I shame that One who died for my sins in Calvary. I am looking forward to more fellowship meetings like this. God has indeed been mindful of me.

Another event in life took place three days ago. Father of a good sister of mine has passed on. Apart from feeling extremely shocked and saddened, I was also shaken. And it brought to mind, how wonderful it is that God has called me. But it also brought about grim reminder of what ifs any of my family members die without knowing God. What if anything happen to them and they leave without me telling them bout the God I believe in. Why am I afraid and shameful to tell them bout my God? I wished I had more courage. God, I pray that You would also bring to them the saving knowledge of yours. I pray that they wont go until they hear about You. God, please have mercy on them.

We need to be prayerful. As life sweeps us away in busy-ness, what is the real meaning of life?

As I review my thoughts and outlooks of life, what exactly does life mean? I find my previous views of studies, relationships, work all shattered. I find myself being detached more from my fellow friends from church. I find it easier to walk away than to make efforts to carry out conversations. I find my the breath of my life being sucked out slowly and unrecognisably. I find the room around me squeezed another inch or two smaller.

What is happening?

Just got me thinking

I was browsing through some pages of some of my closest friends. I was looking at their uploaded photographs and some updates about themselves. Suddenly, I realised that I'm not in any of those. Which brought me to think that what sort of friend have I been? I mean, what kind of friends would there be if you're not even in their ongoing events in their lives.

I wonder why...

There are of course many school of thoughts with regards to this. Some say that being friends doesnt mean being with them 24/7. They would have events with other people in their lives too. Some suggest that perhaps we aren't that "friend-ful" either. But what about people whom you do not see often, but that freshness remains each time you meet up. Or what about those who have the best conversation when just seated silently together. Or those whom you just meet in meetings in church? What sort of friends would those be?

Just got me thinking.

I suspect I'm running into "some dunno-what's-the-name-psycological conditions".

Un-weighing the weights

It is weighing me down.

Lord, please lighten it.

I do not want a stronger body or a steadier head above this frail shoulders.

I wish for You to hold me tighter, keeping me close by Yourself, within Your cleft.

Stressful Rest, Restful Peace

First year into work, I took 5 days leaves in a row! It drew quite a few raised eyebrows in the office. Couldnt care less though. Was off to Langkawi with classmates from Notts Uni and then off to church camp in Camerons. That week was a crazy week. It had been so stressful and ..erm...stressful. Haha..

I could only finish the important and urgent pieces of exercise late in the evening on my last day at work prior to holidays. Then off I ventured into a whole week of driving, travelling, adventure and ended with quietening of the heart at the blissful Camerons.

Having a friend over from Zhongshan, a few of us drove up to Langkawi. Stayed by the beach and this dear friend was worried if tsunami would come and sweep us away into the sea when dawn comes. Haha...Perfectly understandable I guess when you just left the typhoons behind in your country!

Ate much, tried much local food, ventured deep into the villages in search of cheaper seafood and authentic cuisine, we werent disappointed. Started off in KL, then to Ipoh, Langkawi, Bukit Tambun...wow..we all should have more similar road trips!

After that was off to Camerons. The track up to Camerons never fails to set my stomach spinning and push the liquid in my eardrums off balance. Was glad to say I kept the digested food inside my stomach and not out onto John's car. This camp was really a very refreshing one. The messages were plain and clear and they hit me right in the heart. I was struggling in the beginning to get into the mood of camp bacause I have been so worried bout work. I didnt realise how much work has eaten into my life until that point. I cant believe it myself. The first two days were great struggle. The messages werent getting through and I was not listening. I prayed and when they finally got through, I broke down and cried. Emotionally distressed and more tears, God was listening.

God saw through my heart and I was comforted that He knew what were bothering me. Truly, matters of the heart are always most tangled. No wonder it says in Ecclesiates that let not our hearts be aroused until it is ready. God, may you guard our hearts and emotions until it's time.
As more episodes enfold, I pray that may we be kept close to our Lord and every corners of our hearts be searched that God may truly be our first love and to remain as our first even after earthly attachments.

Crumpled sheet

I wonder if juice comes out from a crumpled sheet of paper. If it does, I wonder what it tastes like. Would it be sour? Or would it be sweet? Would the paper scream? Could that piece of crumpled sheet ever be un-crumpled again?

Some thoughts

It's been so long since I last blogged. What a shame. Haha..
Much has happened during the last 2/3 months. I think I am settling in better into the company. Have perhaps lost some of the fire along the way. Perhaps I am also getting accustomed to the way how my company operates.
Been quite an interesting period. I cant believe that I have been working for 6 months now! How time flies. I went from a super blur, worried, scared freshie from university to a slightly more stable, less scared, more smiley leng mui.
Haha..Everyone treats me like a budak. I dun quite mind it actually because with this, comes lower expectations as well. I'm free-er to ask questions, people are more forgiving, though they also trust you less. That's the dillemma I guess. In a period where you want to prove yourself, it's also the period where people trusts you less. Ironic..

Fei has also started working, been 5 months for her now. And Loon too! Two weeks eh? So quick. And Darsh is graduating this year, Wen Li has one more year to go, Laikuan two more...
And oh, Tonghow's graduated too! And Pei yee as well...How quick...

Been quite a lot of emotional and social adjustments..When I at YA, it doesnt quite feel the same now, not only because I am a staff now but also because ..well..my batch's no longer there. The same who started off with me in YP, the gang of FIVE. And I am all about work now. Every single conversation I strike with anyone would be centered to my work. I was just talking to MeiSun the other day and we both realised just how much work-ish has our lives become. I became very intrigued with people's character's in the office...I became more whinny and complain when things get stuck..It just seems like I have so much to tell about my work, the office, and the people in it. And oh, even more, when it seems as if certain people are just there with missions to annoy you. How I wish I could lock them in a closet and push then down a slope. (Children, if you are 18 and below, do not do this at home!)

I love talking about my boss, my bigger boss, my other bosses (So many eh?)..Little matters in the office became juicy bits of gossip. I enjoy running about in the office, attending meetings because it makes me feel I'm busy and important (Silly me, of course!). I enjoy striking conversations with people, especially the elderly. My colleagues told me that I have this somehting with old men! ahah..Ask Loon, she knows why.

But I have also learnt to be thankful to the Lord. I didnt realise how precious God's protection on the road is until I met with an accident last month. I didnt realise how blessed it is to have family until the times when I get so upset at work and my family's just there to listen to my whinning. Who else would take so much interest in your work?! I didnt realise how precious close collegues are until I have eat breakfast alone on some mornings when they went down to site. I didnt realise how wonderful it is to have close friends when with just one phone call, they are there out at the mamak waiting for you to meet up and just talk! Girls need to talk..It's some sort of a therapy for us. Haha..

It just so weird and amazing how distinctly God created us. I was in a very weird conversation with my boss when he actually said men are different, they dun talk. Haha..I laughed out. It's partially true but he has been talking a lot with me..So, he's partial man? Haha..

Work's been fine I guess..(Oh no, here I go again).
Looking forward to meeting Tonghow when he comes back. And Matthew who's coming to visit us in KL. He's a close uni friend from China.

And the family camp coming up in August! From 19-23 August 2007. (Peiling, free publicity here)

Cant wait to go..

Meanwhile, Off to Bukit Kiara now to climb hills..

Slowing down

Since I started work, I find things were moving very quickly. I was dragged into the rat race without even realising it myself. I remember asking Unc Mah how do we balance between work and life. And also how do we find proper inspiration to work. What exactly should be our motivations especially when we are believers? And how, when we spend close to 10 hours daily in the office?

I was caught in quite a turmoil. I tried so hard to be at my best, trying to impress others, trying to be as outstanding as I can be, working harder...but the more I tried, the harder I struggle, the further into the mud I found myself in. I forgot that I dont have to struggle so hard. I forgot that I have an Almighty God behind me. I forgot to read my Bible. I forgot that I am a believer. I had forgotten all. I had allowed myself to drown in busy-ness.

All I remembered was, I need to beat the traffic in the morning along KL-Seremban Highway, I need to be in the office early, I need to smile to everyone in the office, I need to keep my ears open, I need to impress others, I need to learn quicker, I need to speed up, I need to outperform myself. I remember Jupe telling us before that one of Satan's tactic is not denying Christ but by keeping us busy. How true indeed...

I need to slow down and think what's important in my life. What exactly dictates my life? I was speaking to a good friend and she pointed out to me that I need to really take time off and think and pray. I need to read my Bible more. I need to spend time with my Lord..I have missed them all...

And above all, I need prayers...Thanks all!

Quarter-life crisis

I'm going through a period where I cant quite describe in words. It's a mixture of struggling to adapt with working, being a fresh graduate out of university, getting my first paychecks, driving myself to work, smiling at strangers in the office hoping to build up friendships with them for reasons I know not myself, bugging my boss over small matters, being on the same table with my boss for dinner but ended up in awkward moments because I ran out of things to say to him, seeing and hearing office politics turning ugly over peanut matters, calling up vendors and not knowing what exactly to ask, being in meetings with all men and not understanding the discussion, not knowing what double or triple axle trailers are and getting excited at the sight of overhead cranes!

What exactly is wrong with me?

I dont really know. I thought I was sure that this was where God wants me to be. He has closed all other doors, answering my doubts of whether if I should quit my present job and get involved in process work instead. So, if I was sure, what was wrong with me?

Again, I dont know. My friend pointed this out. "You are going through quarter life crisis"

What?! It's quite a confusing period. I checked it out in wikipedia and found this. They all spoke right through to my heart. Finally, my situation is being worded quite descriptively reflecting my exact emotions.

Characteristics of this crisis are:

• feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at his/her academic/intellectual level
• frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
• confusion of identity (err..)
• insecurity regarding the near future
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university or college life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• financially-rooted stress
• loneliness
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you (YES...YES)

Sometimes, I feel that I'm dragging everyone down in my project time, irregardless of my colleagues futile attempt to point out that I'm just a fresh grad. It's normal and understandable.

"Furthermore, a contributing factor to this crisis may be the difficulty in adapting to a workplace environment. In college, professors' expectations are clearly given and students receive frequent feedback on their performance in their courses. You progress year-to-year in higher education. By contrast, in a workplace environment, a person may be, for some time, completely unaware of a boss's displeasure with his performance, or of his colleagues' dislike for his personality. One does not automatically make progress. Office politics require interpersonal skills that are largely unnecessary for success in an educational setting. Emerging adults eventually learn these social skills, but this process – sometimes compared to learning another language – is often highly stressful."

Yes..I find them all true. I would suddenly reminisce the days we walked to Beeston to get groceries, the queueing up for bus, the pathway in the university, the lake...downright to little things like bushing clearing in the backyard and dishwashing in the kitchen.

So..quarter life crisis?

I want to tell

I want to tell how amazing God has been to me this past month. I remember praying during the course of my job application that the Lord close all doors that He would not want me to get into. He kept to His word while I lamented why replies did not come. My other friends who graduated with me have mostly found work by then and they were still receiving replies from companies which added more pressure to me and got me thinking why mine have been so silent.

One day while I was browsing through the newspaper, I came across this one company which is involved in the field I had wanted to be in. A thought came to my mind. It would be good if I could join this company. I was not sure if it was the ad that was impressive enough or it was the Spirit that was warming my heart. Keeping this to heart, I looked through the page. To my dismay, it's minimum requirements were having at least 10 years experience in the field. I decided to write in to this company anyway because I have nothing to lose. Not having much expectations, I left the matter as it is while continuing to write in to other major players of the field to try out. One replied and I was estatic. However, I would need to go through a few stages before being employed.

Two weeks later, someone from the first company finally called me up. By then, I had forgotten and remembered little of the company profile. I dug into my pile of waste papers in my room and finally found the newspaper cutting. "Oh, so..this was THAT company." I went for an interview and a rather senior engineer interviewed me. No, it wasnt much of an interview. It was more of him telling me about the company while I listened. Roughly half an hour later, the interview ended and I went home with little hope because I knew little of the company and the intevriew was simple and wasnt srutinising. I remember asking him if I would have the chance to go to sites and work and his reply was that they usually prefer keeping the ladies in the office. It seemed almost like he's not interested. I thought, " Oh well, I've been through this."

However, the next day, he called me up and offered me a job! I went, " What?" Oh..a job. Another person called some days laters and said they would send me my copy of the contracts and terms of employment. I hadnt decided to take the job up. Some thought I was pushing it too hard and should just be thankful being offered one when the economy isnt doing very well.

I did, days later. But it was also the day that I finally received a reply from the bigger company inviting me to the second round of interview.

I asked the Lord, " What now?" I finally took up the job and went into work knowing little and having little expectations. It wasnt an impressive day. My direct boss wasnt around and my colleagues werent the friendliest lot. I thought, " This is depressive" Slowly, things became better and by the second week, I had a job assignment down in Johor. It was flooding at that time but I was in the eastern side of Johor which was not affected.

My first challenge was finding ways to break the ice with my colleagues. They are not my batch but all seasoned engineers and to top that up, they are all men! That was quite a challenge. They were totally above me, above my thoughts. My week in Johor was spent by listening a lot and I actually found enjoyment in that! I was surprised myself.

I had always wanted to do process work. But this company doesnt. My boss made that clear on my first week. I told the Lord, " I know you know better Lord and You have put me here for a reason and I'm eager to discover that reason" I did pray too that I would be able to blend into the group. I did eventually but with other colleagues. And they have been very kind to me. And what's better was, they were willing to teach me so much. One taught me so much bout process and shared with me about his work. Another helped me searched the office looking for some documents I needed and yet many others being friendly to me. Our conversations have been most interesting.

But God certainly knows better. My boss came to me last week and told me I might have the opportunity to do process work after all. I was surprised. God have indeed been good. But good stories are never short of doubts and discouragments and dillemmas. Although I'm in one right now, I trust that it will turn out well and that God is again teaching me new things.

One thing that I learnt, if God meant something for you, it will come easy, provided that you obey. At least mine did. I'm getting more convinced that this is the place that God wants me to be.

And I'm excited to explore more

Finally

Finally, a blog update. Been so long since I last updated. Finally, an opportunity here in the office. Havent been extremely busy but not free entirely either of which I'm enjoying the privellege of being in this position. Got held back by my senior, thus missing out the opp to go Damansara Kim for lunch. Sigh..anyway, a good thing came out of it. I'm blogging!

I've started work, since last Dec. Been fine here in the office and after being blur and super blur for the past 3 weeks, I'm beginning to get a bigger and better picture of what I was supposed to do. But even if you attempt to ask me what my job scopes and responsibilities are, I might not be able to give you the best of answers. Anyway, I had the opportunity to go down to Johor for a HAZOP meeting which was cool. It was a normal mundane meeting but for some reasons I find so much excitement in it. Haha..And I now finally understand why people say engineering is the field for men. No matter how strong or independent or capable you think you are, it's always not the case in the real world. Talking about being smacked hard right on the face by reality. I'm not the only lady in the office, but I certainly am in the project I'm currently in. Imagine going for meetings with 12 men and being the only lady, it's intimidating. And worse still, going on a job assignment, being the only lady again and into safety meetings with other companies and being the only lady again. The worse was probably, I'm also the youngest, fresh grad, like fresh juice out of the squeezer. Oh no..not even through the blades yet.

My boss always make a remark on how young I am. My bigger boss too. And my colleagues too. They went, "Irene, you are very young" (Oh they cant remember Oyling) Haha...And you walked round the office, smiling and trying to be at your best behaviour and friendly. I grew tired of it very quickly. Haha..

A phone call just came in and I lost my train of thoughts. Erm...oh well, I shall blog again they decide to return to me.

Me and the kids

Some sort of a new accomplishment. I drove down to Malacca! The furthest I've driven was probably Shah Alam and its surrounding area. I became the unofficial gang leader and drove down a bunch of kids to storm Malacca last Friday. When I told my sister weeks earlier that I intended to go down to Malacca with these kids, her first response was, " Oh, so you're the gang leader?!" Why and which kids, you may ask...They are not kids in the strictest sense but to me, they are, for a couple more years at least till they graduate. Haha..These lovely children that went down with me were Chee How, Pueh Pueh, Yang Yang and Pei Ling. (Now you know why "kids")

Peiling kept telling me to stop looking at her with the motherly look. Perhaps she wanted me to be a friend instead of bossing her around like what her sister did..But then again, soemtimes I cant help it. She probably had a hard time under my srutiny during the whole trip but I had a good time bullying her. She does bring joy and laughter to the group with her innocently dumb remarks on things. But behind that facade, I see some brain cells working and she is actually thinking quite a bit. But still, I cant quite stand her on other occasions! (Haha..sayang)

We went down with Ngee Zheng who kindly offered us a place to stay for the night in his house, I felt really bad though having to drive his sister out of her room for the night. She was nonethelessly very accomodative. Meeting up with his parents was also interesting. It was good to see a close knit family. There was so much love within the family and looking at him, one will understand that his character was very much shaped from the warmth and love shared by this family. He brought us around Malacca, to the all so famous A Famosa and Stathuys. We also went to Jonkers Street for the pasar malam. And oh not forgetting the sumptuous dinner Uncle Tiong brought us to!

Although we had to leave by noon on Saturday, I had a good time being in Malacca and in the company of these brothers and sisters in Christ. It was good getting to them better, observing them and just being in the company. I found out that Yang Yang couldnt take prawns because of allergy, Chee How can remember roads very well but often choose to maintain the cool look in pictures, Ngee Zheng has the same expression in all pictures, Pueh cant sleep with the lights on unless she's super tired and Peiling, always bluntly and blurly blurts out dumb remarks. And oh, Peiling cant differentiate spicy ikan bakar from the non-spicy one. (How could you?!)

All in all, it was a good trip...And given the opportunity, I would go somewhere again with this group of people, eh, Zheng?















Up on the St Paul's hill













Chicken Rice Balls! And oh, while talking to the "lou pan leong", I found out that her daughter is one of my friends from UNIM and whose brother happened to be Ngee Zheng's friend! Talking bout how small the world is.

p/s: See, Cheehow doesnt smile in pictures and Ngee Zheng look the same in pictures and my cheeks are forever red for reasons not known to me as well.

Unfolding a rose bud

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I
God opens this flower so sweetly,
When in my hands they die

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then How can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust in Him for leading
Each moment of my day
I will look to Him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments
Just as He unfolds the Rose

-Rose Bud Haven-

Almost forgotten

I had almost forgotten what it was like to laugh out loud and freely. I had dinner with a few close brothers and sisters yesterday night. We accompanied Jason to buy present for a female friend. Ahem...hahaha...Anyway, the dinner started off like normal. We ate and asked each other how we have been lately. Since branching out, we had less opportunities to meet up. All were busy with everyhting they had to do in life and leave not much space and time to meet. Normal topics came up and we just talked about anything that came to our minds. Slowly, more exciting topics came about and before long we were all bursting into laughter. Heads turned and some annoyed faces turned to our directions. More laughters came about when we started telling Suguna about our camping days. The funny happenings, the weird behaviours and the company and the place. Many old but familiar names came up. It was such a pleasure recounting those events. Suguna was getting more and more excited. We told her more about everyone in church, how the boys grew up and became men, how the older sisters were last time. We kept laughing as we reminisced. More juicy and exciting bits came up. In the end, we just couldnt contained ourselves anymore and were just inches above the ground and nearly started rolling over. Time flew past very quickly and soon we were the last few to leave the eatery. Finally, however reluctant we were to part with our stories, we did because it was getting very late.

Dinner again eh?
-Ah Pek, Jason, Suguna and Sayang-

Of waters and mud

We started off our journey to Congkak in six cars after a group prayer, asking for journey mercies on the way to our destination. Excitement overwhelmed me. Finally, a retreat! I had missed last year's because I was not around. Plus, the last time I had been to Congkak was probably when I was in primary school! Haha..We tailed closely behind Tze's gigantic four wheel drive. More curves came to view. I would usually be green in nausea travelling on these roads but to my relief, the overwhelming excitement supressed the sickness to its minimum level.

Roughly an hour later, we reached Congkak. Wow...greens and the sound of gushing waters! After some waiting and standing around, we finally walked in to our chalet. It was a double storey chalet, wooden and cooling. We proceeded to have lunch before checking in. Soon, the girls were up and about occupying rooms and choosing beds! The boys were nonethelessly, gentlemanly shifting things about and preparing for our first session.

After our first session, we had games. I conveniently pulled Fei to be in the same group despite the different numbers we had gotten. We had fun answering questions and seeing others being punished. Before long, we see Guna being in the lime light-being punished, that is! He actively offered him for each punishment for his group. Hmnn..talking bout the way men act in front of their wives! Haha.... It was a lot of fun watching them and even more relief seeing Robin blending with the group.

More water games followed suit and before dinner, everyone were rushing into the bathrooms to get themselves cleaned. It was encouraging seeing the younger boys taking up responsibilities and preparing dinner. They were up and about helping out. These boys have grown up! haha...

Dinner followed suit and a light discussion on practical christianity came after that. Despite the downpour, Tze have somehow managed to devised a plan to get the fire started. Sausages piled onto the pit to be barbequed. In the end, everyone were well fed and stuffed. To get rid of the extra sausages, a few of us decided to play a game. Losers woould need to eat the extra sausages or get someone else to it. Pei Yee was reluctantly being sucked in into the game. Little did she know the dirty tactic the rest has devised! Haha...Talking bout evil-ness.

After a night walk into virtual, total darkness, we all retired to our rooms and slept. Breakfast was good and we cleaned up before heading home. Overall, it was a very good outing for me. Super relaxing and fellowship with the brothers and sisters was somehow renewed. After being away for a year and far from each other, for the first time, I felt close to these people. Thank you all.

Another good memory for collection.

Waking up and walking

I need to wake up. I realised that I have been stagnant in this position for long enough. I kept looking back and thought of the wonderful year I had in Notts. I kept looking back and thought of how it was like back in YP and camping days. I kept thinking of the time when I was in school uniform and blushes over conversations about boys. I need to wake up..Life is progressing but I seem to refusing its forward movement.

Recently, I was reading a friend's blog and remember commenting to her to start living properly and not keep looking behind. Returning from the Congkak retreat, I suddenly realised how much I lagged behind, especially in my Christian walk. I do not have much memmories that I can boast about the goodness of my Lord. Where have they all gone to? Why is this so?
It was so timely that the theme for YA for this last quarter of the year is "No Turning Back". I remember answering Jupe that it wasnt that we shldnt or musnt turn back. It was that we simply cant turn back because we have tasted the love of our God. That seem convincing in the eyes of many. I see heads nodding, agreeing to my thoughts. Have I pulled it off just again? But deep down, what was that answer for? I suddenly become fearful. I remember Jupe saying that Satan's best product is imitations. Am I one of his imitations? There may be people being active in church but have not believed. I thought I believed! I thought that day came years ago! But if that is so, where are the fruits of my faith? Do I just belong to the kingdom of heavens because I was one of the professed Christians? But in reality, am I one of the seeds that fell to the throny and bushy areas but do not grow, which means that I am not what I thought I am. Or am I one of the thirty of sixty percent Christian? What am I exactly?

Thoughts that have been filling my mind for the past month have very little to do with my God. I remember calling Tze from Notts and he asked how have I been spiritually? He was excited to see if I have grown. I remmeber Jupe expressing his concern if I have grown during my first YA meeting after returning from Notts. I understood what he meant but I froze in my seat on both occasions. I asked if I have grown. I remember being fearful to meet these brothers because I was not what I had hoped to become. I remember being fearful if I would ever match up to him when he comes in God's timing. I slapped myself to wake up from these dreams. I remember ebing angry with myself and wished I have a physical pointer to measure my growth in Christ. But underneath these worry, was it the eyes of the Lord that I was fearful to meet or the eyes of men around me?

Wake up..I need to.

On a lighter note, the retreat in Congkak went very well despite a not so good start because lunch was too litttle to go round. But things picked up well after that and everyone seem to have had a good time. The waters, the mud and the water balloons...It was quite a success.