Slowing down

Since I started work, I find things were moving very quickly. I was dragged into the rat race without even realising it myself. I remember asking Unc Mah how do we balance between work and life. And also how do we find proper inspiration to work. What exactly should be our motivations especially when we are believers? And how, when we spend close to 10 hours daily in the office?

I was caught in quite a turmoil. I tried so hard to be at my best, trying to impress others, trying to be as outstanding as I can be, working harder...but the more I tried, the harder I struggle, the further into the mud I found myself in. I forgot that I dont have to struggle so hard. I forgot that I have an Almighty God behind me. I forgot to read my Bible. I forgot that I am a believer. I had forgotten all. I had allowed myself to drown in busy-ness.

All I remembered was, I need to beat the traffic in the morning along KL-Seremban Highway, I need to be in the office early, I need to smile to everyone in the office, I need to keep my ears open, I need to impress others, I need to learn quicker, I need to speed up, I need to outperform myself. I remember Jupe telling us before that one of Satan's tactic is not denying Christ but by keeping us busy. How true indeed...

I need to slow down and think what's important in my life. What exactly dictates my life? I was speaking to a good friend and she pointed out to me that I need to really take time off and think and pray. I need to read my Bible more. I need to spend time with my Lord..I have missed them all...

And above all, I need prayers...Thanks all!

Quarter-life crisis

I'm going through a period where I cant quite describe in words. It's a mixture of struggling to adapt with working, being a fresh graduate out of university, getting my first paychecks, driving myself to work, smiling at strangers in the office hoping to build up friendships with them for reasons I know not myself, bugging my boss over small matters, being on the same table with my boss for dinner but ended up in awkward moments because I ran out of things to say to him, seeing and hearing office politics turning ugly over peanut matters, calling up vendors and not knowing what exactly to ask, being in meetings with all men and not understanding the discussion, not knowing what double or triple axle trailers are and getting excited at the sight of overhead cranes!

What exactly is wrong with me?

I dont really know. I thought I was sure that this was where God wants me to be. He has closed all other doors, answering my doubts of whether if I should quit my present job and get involved in process work instead. So, if I was sure, what was wrong with me?

Again, I dont know. My friend pointed this out. "You are going through quarter life crisis"

What?! It's quite a confusing period. I checked it out in wikipedia and found this. They all spoke right through to my heart. Finally, my situation is being worded quite descriptively reflecting my exact emotions.

Characteristics of this crisis are:

• feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at his/her academic/intellectual level
• frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
• confusion of identity (err..)
• insecurity regarding the near future
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university or college life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• financially-rooted stress
• loneliness
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you (YES...YES)

Sometimes, I feel that I'm dragging everyone down in my project time, irregardless of my colleagues futile attempt to point out that I'm just a fresh grad. It's normal and understandable.

"Furthermore, a contributing factor to this crisis may be the difficulty in adapting to a workplace environment. In college, professors' expectations are clearly given and students receive frequent feedback on their performance in their courses. You progress year-to-year in higher education. By contrast, in a workplace environment, a person may be, for some time, completely unaware of a boss's displeasure with his performance, or of his colleagues' dislike for his personality. One does not automatically make progress. Office politics require interpersonal skills that are largely unnecessary for success in an educational setting. Emerging adults eventually learn these social skills, but this process – sometimes compared to learning another language – is often highly stressful."

Yes..I find them all true. I would suddenly reminisce the days we walked to Beeston to get groceries, the queueing up for bus, the pathway in the university, the lake...downright to little things like bushing clearing in the backyard and dishwashing in the kitchen.

So..quarter life crisis?