I need to wake up. I realised that I have been stagnant in this position for long enough. I kept looking back and thought of the wonderful year I had in Notts. I kept looking back and thought of how it was like back in YP and camping days. I kept thinking of the time when I was in school uniform and blushes over conversations about boys. I need to wake up..Life is progressing but I seem to refusing its forward movement.
Recently, I was reading a friend's blog and remember commenting to her to start living properly and not keep looking behind. Returning from the Congkak retreat, I suddenly realised how much I lagged behind, especially in my Christian walk. I do not have much memmories that I can boast about the goodness of my Lord. Where have they all gone to? Why is this so?
It was so timely that the theme for YA for this last quarter of the year is "No Turning Back". I remember answering Jupe that it wasnt that we shldnt or musnt turn back. It was that we simply cant turn back because we have tasted the love of our God. That seem convincing in the eyes of many. I see heads nodding, agreeing to my thoughts. Have I pulled it off just again? But deep down, what was that answer for? I suddenly become fearful. I remember Jupe saying that Satan's best product is imitations. Am I one of his imitations? There may be people being active in church but have not believed. I thought I believed! I thought that day came years ago! But if that is so, where are the fruits of my faith? Do I just belong to the kingdom of heavens because I was one of the professed Christians? But in reality, am I one of the seeds that fell to the throny and bushy areas but do not grow, which means that I am not what I thought I am. Or am I one of the thirty of sixty percent Christian? What am I exactly?
Thoughts that have been filling my mind for the past month have very little to do with my God. I remember calling Tze from Notts and he asked how have I been spiritually? He was excited to see if I have grown. I remmeber Jupe expressing his concern if I have grown during my first YA meeting after returning from Notts. I understood what he meant but I froze in my seat on both occasions. I asked if I have grown. I remember being fearful to meet these brothers because I was not what I had hoped to become. I remember being fearful if I would ever match up to him when he comes in God's timing. I slapped myself to wake up from these dreams. I remember ebing angry with myself and wished I have a physical pointer to measure my growth in Christ. But underneath these worry, was it the eyes of the Lord that I was fearful to meet or the eyes of men around me?
Wake up..I need to.
On a lighter note, the retreat in Congkak went very well despite a not so good start because lunch was too litttle to go round. But things picked up well after that and everyone seem to have had a good time. The waters, the mud and the water balloons...It was quite a success.
