Aimless

There's this Malay song that I used to sing back in YP years ago. " Ada waktunya berkerja, ada waktunya berencana, ada waktu bersenang dan waktu bercanda, Tapi waktu itu singkat dan keabadian itu panjang, waktu sekarang takkan berulang." I've always enjoyed singing the song because it often speaks well of the situation that I am in. Truly, there's time for everything. Time to rest, time to play, time to work and these times will not be repeated. They come and go.
I recently read a post of a friend who has finally decided to transfer campus, leave and continue in another place. It was a difficult decision for her, but having to make that, it was even more dificult to pack up and leave. This reminded me of me, here in Notts. I have grown to love this place dearly, a huge part of it was because of the wonderful folks I met here.

Today marks the last day of my examinations. I have now completed my degree. Phew..How does it feel? Nothing really. I have a friend who said that his life has become so aimless now. What do we do now? Haha...Another friend put it this way, "I'm feeling empty, lonely and cold" How true....Yesterday saw us pushing through whatever we could still remember into our brains and staying up till wee hours to study. And after that 9 o'clock paper today, everything was supposed to come to an end, well, except for the oral exams this friday..anyway, a weird feeling swept through me. What do I do now?

Patience and EQ

I was told that the longer you know a person, the lower your EQ is towards that person. I didnt give much thought to such deep philosophical philosophy. After all, why do we need to scrutinise friendship to levels like this? Why cant we just be natural?

Recently, however, I saw that truth revealing itself in me. I realise that I am getting short tempered to closer friends and surprisingly more tolerant to new friends. I find myself losing patience quicker. I snapped at them easily and would often seemed as targetting at them. Like a angry lioness ready to pounce at her victims. Why is this happening? No, it is not the effect of any pre or post menstrual syndrome that is often blamed for weird mood swings in any girls. I begin to realise how annoying this can be. A friend told me today that it seemed that I can no longer take crap or lame jokes. I just snapped at her when she said something during dinner.

But I didnt just snap at her. I just thought that if indeed you have done something not right, why cant you just admit it? Why is there a need to beat round the bush and to act cool? I mean, why? Why cant things be simpler? You are right if you are and if you are not, just admit you're wrong. There arent ways to un-wrong soemhting. There might be ways to patch wrong things up but it is still a mistake. It's not that someone else is waiting for you to make mistake and then pounce at you. What is so difficult in admitting you are wrong?! I really dont understand and it irritates me. And it annoys me even more because the table is turned as it was as if that I am the calculative one. Why? It's just some plain dumb situation, for goodness sake!

I thought I had to be more gracious to people around me. There must be a reason why patience is included in the fruit of the Spirit in the Bible. The Lord must have seen this coming. People do tend to lose patience with people closer with them. Should closer friends not know better? Should they not know what closer friends prefer? I thought it's a universally understood understanding! However, if they are, grace and patience would not exist in this world. If the Lord were to employ the same attitude towards me, I would be dead a thousand times. That's the beauty of grace. It allows time for understanding and acceptance. It is patient and not fussy. It is beautiful and that is what that makes it so precious. Our Lord is good indeed.

I just have to learn to practise more patience.......

Wrong, Wronger, Wrongest

As known, I'm now in the midst of my exams. It hasnt been easy but I'm thankful that He has brought me through the first two papers. I just had one this morning. Though it wasnt good but the peace I had in my heart was overwhelming. Truly, when He bestows peace, it is real peace that you get. The past few days saw me studying till wee hours in the morning, together with friends. Needless to say, group study is highly effective and works perfectly well for me. With this comes opportunities of interaction and bonding with friends. Studying with him was a good experience. I was a leech actively at work. He, needless to say, was 'happily' obliging. No, that's a wrong word to use. He's helpful, to put it blantly.

Exams period is also a period when the true self emerges. Things that one says during frustration is not desirable for playback. I was caught in one of those moments, being highly irritated because my brain cells chose to dry up during that moments and refused to absorb anything that I read. I complained how wrong the situation was. It was as if that everything that happened was a mistake. I doubted loudly if this course is right or if they are just mistakes. I regrettably flashed out these nonsensical statements. I was caught in more tangled spider wed when he commented this. " So, you are saying that being here is a mistake?" I stupidly nodded. " Meaning, God made a mistake by putting you here?" I was caught off guard. "Err.." It suddenly occured to me that I have made a very dumb statement. How could I said that? I wished I had explained further but again, I stupidly flashed him the annoyed look. Oh man, my testimony just gone bad.

I have had conversations regarding these with him prior to this incident. I would really wished that he'll keep what he has heard. He was very unconvinced and I even doubted if he could ever be saved. But today, a dear friend proved to me that God can still work wonders as He did years ago. It was her father. He too came to know the Lord some years ago and have kept the faith. I often thought fathers are probably the most difficult beings in the world that can come soft and listen the gospel. I was so wrong. Her dad changed so much after his conversion. What's more encouraging is that he's always making sure that his daughter remains faithful to the Lord as well. He gives her advises and corrects her whenever she's not doing right before the Lord. How encouraging. There's hope for my father too. I really cannot imagined a day that he changed and get saved. No matter how many times I told myself that GOd is able, I still cant see that coming and I'm not doing anything. If God could bring Pharoah to his knees, what cant God do? I have to keep praying.

Meanwhile, on a more disturbed note, I watched Da Vinci Code just now. It is highly not recommended, not because of the quality but the message it potrayed. I have always loved Tom Hanks but the message of the show is too much for me. It was so jumbled up! The myth and truth of Jesus is all mixed up! I cant believe what I hear. The writer speculated issues of the grail and thwarted the whole Lord's Supper. All was explained from the painting of the Da Vinci's Last Supper. Somehow, there's another remaining descendant from the line of Jesus. Oh man, I couldnt bring myself to write more. Such crap!

The wrecked-up lifestyle

I'm finally breathing normally again. The past few weeks have been crazy, a huge part was because of my own laziness and procrastination for not doing my design project consistently. The remaining reasons was the project itself. It's such a huge project and it carries so much weightage! I just cant believe how lop-sided the weightage is. It stressed so much on the individual part which revolves just around one freaking equipment! I find it so unbelievable.

Oh anyway..the whole project was handed in on Tuesday and the remaining summary on friday. I'm really finally breathing properly again. I am eating and sleeping properly too. My normal lifestyle is finally resumed.

It has been a good experience. I love the group that I was in. I'm ever thankful for my mates. Despite some minute unpleasant happenings at the end, it was all right. I love working with yanni so much. She's such an incredible friend. Besides being extra intelligent and brainful, she has taught me much. I learnt what generousity is. I learnt what maturity is. I learnt what kindness really is. It reaffirms my coming over here. God indeed is mindful over me. He knew exactly what will happen and He brought me over here for a reason. I often thought, if He has sent me to Sheffield instead, how would it be like? I didnt have to consider that. What's happening here is far too good. I wouldnt trade this experience here for anything else..Anything at all.

Thank you Lord.

Talking about design project. My life was thrown off course for the last two weeks. Everything just went upside down. Tornado came and swept my room, forming swirls of papers around my seat. I had to tip toe in my room. Clothes piled up. My body system was messed up. I didnt have time to eat. I couldnt sleep. I was zombified for the last few days. My brain slowed down. My retardedness surfaced. Meira just couldnt stop teasing me. She just couldnt stand talking to me because she has to repeat everything she says. There came to a point that jokes turns dry because I just couldnt get it. Everything slowed down though somehow I felt that time did hop faster.

Despite all the slowness, something else sped up. I got closer to many of my coursemates. The process which would usually take ages suddenly sped up. Interaction opportunities doubled, tripled. You would, I guess if you spend long period in the lab typing furiously, trying to complete the never-ending work. You share the anxiety, the worries, the grumbles, the unrest, the tiredness, the crankiness..all..Nothing could be traded for these, not with a million dollars..Looking back, it was a period worth going through for. Nothing can beat that.

I would miss these times when I return home. I would miss them. I would probably miss my lack-of-sleep ness and everything else that comes with it. I would miss the walking-back-at-four-am-thing. I would miss the wrecked-up-lifestyle, the wrecked-up appetite, the wrecked-up sleeping hours.

I really would...