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My HOE invited me to a fellowship lunch, held every Friday on the floor above mine for all Dialog christian employees. The aim was to recognise the christians around, have fellowship together and to encourage and remind each other of our roles in lives as followers of Christ despite the busy-ness in at work. It was for good course of course. I went and sat down in a circle. As the clock strikes one, more and more people came in through that far corner door into the room. I know most who came in but I did not know they too were believers. Just as I sat on that chair and looked around me, a sense of sadness overwhelmed me. I was shamefully reminded of my outburst and constant complaining and "cursing" at some who came in because of indifference at work. I was also shamefully reminded of the strife we had because of indifference. And as we sang and he played the guitar, I stared in shameful awe. Standing beside me, playing the guitar and leading the singspiration was the man whom I earlier conflicted with. And I thought, what hipocrisy. As I judged this man, I was brought to a reminder that God too is judging me. I had also sinned the same sins. I prayed that God would realign my actions and thoughts at work that as I professed that I am your follower, let me be truly a practising believer. I prayed that God will radiate His love to the people within this building through ugly vessels like me and that I would always be mindful of my actions less I shame that One who died for my sins in Calvary. I am looking forward to more fellowship meetings like this. God has indeed been mindful of me.

Another event in life took place three days ago. Father of a good sister of mine has passed on. Apart from feeling extremely shocked and saddened, I was also shaken. And it brought to mind, how wonderful it is that God has called me. But it also brought about grim reminder of what ifs any of my family members die without knowing God. What if anything happen to them and they leave without me telling them bout the God I believe in. Why am I afraid and shameful to tell them bout my God? I wished I had more courage. God, I pray that You would also bring to them the saving knowledge of yours. I pray that they wont go until they hear about You. God, please have mercy on them.

We need to be prayerful. As life sweeps us away in busy-ness, what is the real meaning of life?

As I review my thoughts and outlooks of life, what exactly does life mean? I find my previous views of studies, relationships, work all shattered. I find myself being detached more from my fellow friends from church. I find it easier to walk away than to make efforts to carry out conversations. I find my the breath of my life being sucked out slowly and unrecognisably. I find the room around me squeezed another inch or two smaller.

What is happening?

Just got me thinking

I was browsing through some pages of some of my closest friends. I was looking at their uploaded photographs and some updates about themselves. Suddenly, I realised that I'm not in any of those. Which brought me to think that what sort of friend have I been? I mean, what kind of friends would there be if you're not even in their ongoing events in their lives.

I wonder why...

There are of course many school of thoughts with regards to this. Some say that being friends doesnt mean being with them 24/7. They would have events with other people in their lives too. Some suggest that perhaps we aren't that "friend-ful" either. But what about people whom you do not see often, but that freshness remains each time you meet up. Or what about those who have the best conversation when just seated silently together. Or those whom you just meet in meetings in church? What sort of friends would those be?

Just got me thinking.

I suspect I'm running into "some dunno-what's-the-name-psycological conditions".

Un-weighing the weights

It is weighing me down.

Lord, please lighten it.

I do not want a stronger body or a steadier head above this frail shoulders.

I wish for You to hold me tighter, keeping me close by Yourself, within Your cleft.

Stressful Rest, Restful Peace

First year into work, I took 5 days leaves in a row! It drew quite a few raised eyebrows in the office. Couldnt care less though. Was off to Langkawi with classmates from Notts Uni and then off to church camp in Camerons. That week was a crazy week. It had been so stressful and ..erm...stressful. Haha..

I could only finish the important and urgent pieces of exercise late in the evening on my last day at work prior to holidays. Then off I ventured into a whole week of driving, travelling, adventure and ended with quietening of the heart at the blissful Camerons.

Having a friend over from Zhongshan, a few of us drove up to Langkawi. Stayed by the beach and this dear friend was worried if tsunami would come and sweep us away into the sea when dawn comes. Haha...Perfectly understandable I guess when you just left the typhoons behind in your country!

Ate much, tried much local food, ventured deep into the villages in search of cheaper seafood and authentic cuisine, we werent disappointed. Started off in KL, then to Ipoh, Langkawi, Bukit Tambun...wow..we all should have more similar road trips!

After that was off to Camerons. The track up to Camerons never fails to set my stomach spinning and push the liquid in my eardrums off balance. Was glad to say I kept the digested food inside my stomach and not out onto John's car. This camp was really a very refreshing one. The messages were plain and clear and they hit me right in the heart. I was struggling in the beginning to get into the mood of camp bacause I have been so worried bout work. I didnt realise how much work has eaten into my life until that point. I cant believe it myself. The first two days were great struggle. The messages werent getting through and I was not listening. I prayed and when they finally got through, I broke down and cried. Emotionally distressed and more tears, God was listening.

God saw through my heart and I was comforted that He knew what were bothering me. Truly, matters of the heart are always most tangled. No wonder it says in Ecclesiates that let not our hearts be aroused until it is ready. God, may you guard our hearts and emotions until it's time.
As more episodes enfold, I pray that may we be kept close to our Lord and every corners of our hearts be searched that God may truly be our first love and to remain as our first even after earthly attachments.

Crumpled sheet

I wonder if juice comes out from a crumpled sheet of paper. If it does, I wonder what it tastes like. Would it be sour? Or would it be sweet? Would the paper scream? Could that piece of crumpled sheet ever be un-crumpled again?

Some thoughts

It's been so long since I last blogged. What a shame. Haha..
Much has happened during the last 2/3 months. I think I am settling in better into the company. Have perhaps lost some of the fire along the way. Perhaps I am also getting accustomed to the way how my company operates.
Been quite an interesting period. I cant believe that I have been working for 6 months now! How time flies. I went from a super blur, worried, scared freshie from university to a slightly more stable, less scared, more smiley leng mui.
Haha..Everyone treats me like a budak. I dun quite mind it actually because with this, comes lower expectations as well. I'm free-er to ask questions, people are more forgiving, though they also trust you less. That's the dillemma I guess. In a period where you want to prove yourself, it's also the period where people trusts you less. Ironic..

Fei has also started working, been 5 months for her now. And Loon too! Two weeks eh? So quick. And Darsh is graduating this year, Wen Li has one more year to go, Laikuan two more...
And oh, Tonghow's graduated too! And Pei yee as well...How quick...

Been quite a lot of emotional and social adjustments..When I at YA, it doesnt quite feel the same now, not only because I am a staff now but also because ..well..my batch's no longer there. The same who started off with me in YP, the gang of FIVE. And I am all about work now. Every single conversation I strike with anyone would be centered to my work. I was just talking to MeiSun the other day and we both realised just how much work-ish has our lives become. I became very intrigued with people's character's in the office...I became more whinny and complain when things get stuck..It just seems like I have so much to tell about my work, the office, and the people in it. And oh, even more, when it seems as if certain people are just there with missions to annoy you. How I wish I could lock them in a closet and push then down a slope. (Children, if you are 18 and below, do not do this at home!)

I love talking about my boss, my bigger boss, my other bosses (So many eh?)..Little matters in the office became juicy bits of gossip. I enjoy running about in the office, attending meetings because it makes me feel I'm busy and important (Silly me, of course!). I enjoy striking conversations with people, especially the elderly. My colleagues told me that I have this somehting with old men! ahah..Ask Loon, she knows why.

But I have also learnt to be thankful to the Lord. I didnt realise how precious God's protection on the road is until I met with an accident last month. I didnt realise how blessed it is to have family until the times when I get so upset at work and my family's just there to listen to my whinning. Who else would take so much interest in your work?! I didnt realise how precious close collegues are until I have eat breakfast alone on some mornings when they went down to site. I didnt realise how wonderful it is to have close friends when with just one phone call, they are there out at the mamak waiting for you to meet up and just talk! Girls need to talk..It's some sort of a therapy for us. Haha..

It just so weird and amazing how distinctly God created us. I was in a very weird conversation with my boss when he actually said men are different, they dun talk. Haha..I laughed out. It's partially true but he has been talking a lot with me..So, he's partial man? Haha..

Work's been fine I guess..(Oh no, here I go again).
Looking forward to meeting Tonghow when he comes back. And Matthew who's coming to visit us in KL. He's a close uni friend from China.

And the family camp coming up in August! From 19-23 August 2007. (Peiling, free publicity here)

Cant wait to go..

Meanwhile, Off to Bukit Kiara now to climb hills..

Slowing down

Since I started work, I find things were moving very quickly. I was dragged into the rat race without even realising it myself. I remember asking Unc Mah how do we balance between work and life. And also how do we find proper inspiration to work. What exactly should be our motivations especially when we are believers? And how, when we spend close to 10 hours daily in the office?

I was caught in quite a turmoil. I tried so hard to be at my best, trying to impress others, trying to be as outstanding as I can be, working harder...but the more I tried, the harder I struggle, the further into the mud I found myself in. I forgot that I dont have to struggle so hard. I forgot that I have an Almighty God behind me. I forgot to read my Bible. I forgot that I am a believer. I had forgotten all. I had allowed myself to drown in busy-ness.

All I remembered was, I need to beat the traffic in the morning along KL-Seremban Highway, I need to be in the office early, I need to smile to everyone in the office, I need to keep my ears open, I need to impress others, I need to learn quicker, I need to speed up, I need to outperform myself. I remember Jupe telling us before that one of Satan's tactic is not denying Christ but by keeping us busy. How true indeed...

I need to slow down and think what's important in my life. What exactly dictates my life? I was speaking to a good friend and she pointed out to me that I need to really take time off and think and pray. I need to read my Bible more. I need to spend time with my Lord..I have missed them all...

And above all, I need prayers...Thanks all!

Quarter-life crisis

I'm going through a period where I cant quite describe in words. It's a mixture of struggling to adapt with working, being a fresh graduate out of university, getting my first paychecks, driving myself to work, smiling at strangers in the office hoping to build up friendships with them for reasons I know not myself, bugging my boss over small matters, being on the same table with my boss for dinner but ended up in awkward moments because I ran out of things to say to him, seeing and hearing office politics turning ugly over peanut matters, calling up vendors and not knowing what exactly to ask, being in meetings with all men and not understanding the discussion, not knowing what double or triple axle trailers are and getting excited at the sight of overhead cranes!

What exactly is wrong with me?

I dont really know. I thought I was sure that this was where God wants me to be. He has closed all other doors, answering my doubts of whether if I should quit my present job and get involved in process work instead. So, if I was sure, what was wrong with me?

Again, I dont know. My friend pointed this out. "You are going through quarter life crisis"

What?! It's quite a confusing period. I checked it out in wikipedia and found this. They all spoke right through to my heart. Finally, my situation is being worded quite descriptively reflecting my exact emotions.

Characteristics of this crisis are:

• feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at his/her academic/intellectual level
• frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
• confusion of identity (err..)
• insecurity regarding the near future
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university or college life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• financially-rooted stress
• loneliness
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you (YES...YES)

Sometimes, I feel that I'm dragging everyone down in my project time, irregardless of my colleagues futile attempt to point out that I'm just a fresh grad. It's normal and understandable.

"Furthermore, a contributing factor to this crisis may be the difficulty in adapting to a workplace environment. In college, professors' expectations are clearly given and students receive frequent feedback on their performance in their courses. You progress year-to-year in higher education. By contrast, in a workplace environment, a person may be, for some time, completely unaware of a boss's displeasure with his performance, or of his colleagues' dislike for his personality. One does not automatically make progress. Office politics require interpersonal skills that are largely unnecessary for success in an educational setting. Emerging adults eventually learn these social skills, but this process – sometimes compared to learning another language – is often highly stressful."

Yes..I find them all true. I would suddenly reminisce the days we walked to Beeston to get groceries, the queueing up for bus, the pathway in the university, the lake...downright to little things like bushing clearing in the backyard and dishwashing in the kitchen.

So..quarter life crisis?

I want to tell

I want to tell how amazing God has been to me this past month. I remember praying during the course of my job application that the Lord close all doors that He would not want me to get into. He kept to His word while I lamented why replies did not come. My other friends who graduated with me have mostly found work by then and they were still receiving replies from companies which added more pressure to me and got me thinking why mine have been so silent.

One day while I was browsing through the newspaper, I came across this one company which is involved in the field I had wanted to be in. A thought came to my mind. It would be good if I could join this company. I was not sure if it was the ad that was impressive enough or it was the Spirit that was warming my heart. Keeping this to heart, I looked through the page. To my dismay, it's minimum requirements were having at least 10 years experience in the field. I decided to write in to this company anyway because I have nothing to lose. Not having much expectations, I left the matter as it is while continuing to write in to other major players of the field to try out. One replied and I was estatic. However, I would need to go through a few stages before being employed.

Two weeks later, someone from the first company finally called me up. By then, I had forgotten and remembered little of the company profile. I dug into my pile of waste papers in my room and finally found the newspaper cutting. "Oh, so..this was THAT company." I went for an interview and a rather senior engineer interviewed me. No, it wasnt much of an interview. It was more of him telling me about the company while I listened. Roughly half an hour later, the interview ended and I went home with little hope because I knew little of the company and the intevriew was simple and wasnt srutinising. I remember asking him if I would have the chance to go to sites and work and his reply was that they usually prefer keeping the ladies in the office. It seemed almost like he's not interested. I thought, " Oh well, I've been through this."

However, the next day, he called me up and offered me a job! I went, " What?" Oh..a job. Another person called some days laters and said they would send me my copy of the contracts and terms of employment. I hadnt decided to take the job up. Some thought I was pushing it too hard and should just be thankful being offered one when the economy isnt doing very well.

I did, days later. But it was also the day that I finally received a reply from the bigger company inviting me to the second round of interview.

I asked the Lord, " What now?" I finally took up the job and went into work knowing little and having little expectations. It wasnt an impressive day. My direct boss wasnt around and my colleagues werent the friendliest lot. I thought, " This is depressive" Slowly, things became better and by the second week, I had a job assignment down in Johor. It was flooding at that time but I was in the eastern side of Johor which was not affected.

My first challenge was finding ways to break the ice with my colleagues. They are not my batch but all seasoned engineers and to top that up, they are all men! That was quite a challenge. They were totally above me, above my thoughts. My week in Johor was spent by listening a lot and I actually found enjoyment in that! I was surprised myself.

I had always wanted to do process work. But this company doesnt. My boss made that clear on my first week. I told the Lord, " I know you know better Lord and You have put me here for a reason and I'm eager to discover that reason" I did pray too that I would be able to blend into the group. I did eventually but with other colleagues. And they have been very kind to me. And what's better was, they were willing to teach me so much. One taught me so much bout process and shared with me about his work. Another helped me searched the office looking for some documents I needed and yet many others being friendly to me. Our conversations have been most interesting.

But God certainly knows better. My boss came to me last week and told me I might have the opportunity to do process work after all. I was surprised. God have indeed been good. But good stories are never short of doubts and discouragments and dillemmas. Although I'm in one right now, I trust that it will turn out well and that God is again teaching me new things.

One thing that I learnt, if God meant something for you, it will come easy, provided that you obey. At least mine did. I'm getting more convinced that this is the place that God wants me to be.

And I'm excited to explore more

Finally

Finally, a blog update. Been so long since I last updated. Finally, an opportunity here in the office. Havent been extremely busy but not free entirely either of which I'm enjoying the privellege of being in this position. Got held back by my senior, thus missing out the opp to go Damansara Kim for lunch. Sigh..anyway, a good thing came out of it. I'm blogging!

I've started work, since last Dec. Been fine here in the office and after being blur and super blur for the past 3 weeks, I'm beginning to get a bigger and better picture of what I was supposed to do. But even if you attempt to ask me what my job scopes and responsibilities are, I might not be able to give you the best of answers. Anyway, I had the opportunity to go down to Johor for a HAZOP meeting which was cool. It was a normal mundane meeting but for some reasons I find so much excitement in it. Haha..And I now finally understand why people say engineering is the field for men. No matter how strong or independent or capable you think you are, it's always not the case in the real world. Talking about being smacked hard right on the face by reality. I'm not the only lady in the office, but I certainly am in the project I'm currently in. Imagine going for meetings with 12 men and being the only lady, it's intimidating. And worse still, going on a job assignment, being the only lady again and into safety meetings with other companies and being the only lady again. The worse was probably, I'm also the youngest, fresh grad, like fresh juice out of the squeezer. Oh no..not even through the blades yet.

My boss always make a remark on how young I am. My bigger boss too. And my colleagues too. They went, "Irene, you are very young" (Oh they cant remember Oyling) Haha...And you walked round the office, smiling and trying to be at your best behaviour and friendly. I grew tired of it very quickly. Haha..

A phone call just came in and I lost my train of thoughts. Erm...oh well, I shall blog again they decide to return to me.