As we journey on

Story of 3 candles

2011-10-13T23:50:00.001+08:00

There are 3 candles in the figure above. If you notice, they each have different length. One is the longest, one middle length and the last, being the shortest. They each represent a phase in our lives. When we were younger, we have a longer life ahead of us, and much more wax to burn, hence, the longest candle represents a younger person. The shortest candle represent a person who is older and more seasoned in life. He may not have too long a period to life, hence this candle is the shortest. And the middle length candle represent most of us, where we are in the thriving age of energy and strength, and vision and mission and fire to live and to serve God. But if you notice, each candle burn with the same brightness. The longest candle doesnt burn brighter although it has more wax nor is the shortest candle the dimmest. The lesson is this; that each of us, whichever phase of life we are in, we all burn with the same brightness, if we are lit on. There's no such thing as because I'm younger and know less of God, I shine and contribute less. If you put any of this candle in a dark place, it will light the place up. Therefore, the encouragement is this, whichever phase of life you are in, you would burn equally bright if you are lit on. We should all strive to burn for Christ, sometimes, when we go through a rough patch of life and we feel unworthy, never feel that way because Christ has died for your sins and He has frogiven all our sins. So, in my opinion, to be unworthy of yourself is to deny what Christ has done on the cross.

In whichever ministry we are in, as long as we allow the Holy Spirit to work in us, we will shine. Let's not be held back by self pity or bogged down by issues of life that we forget to shine; ie putting the candle under a bowl. Who does that?! We soemtimes do. We sometimes hope that people would not recognise that we are Christians, and therefore we could pretned doing things we always do, but in doing so, we are setting our body on fire. Playing with sin means burning oneself with fire. If only you would allow the Holy Spirit to direct your life, things would be very different. We should just be quiet before the Lord, pray and be patient and let the Spirit lead because only with the presence of the Spirit in us and in our lives, our outlook will be different and others will see a shining candle.

And so the believers..

2011-09-24T22:36:00.002+08:00

And so the believers gave themselves to the study of the scripture, fellowship, breaking of bread and prayer. (Paraphrased)

I remember how much Jaya used to stressed on this particular verse in Acts 2:42 when he spoke from the pulpit many years ago. And I often thought, why does he has to always repeat this verse? So much so that it was and still is, stuck with me. I havent been faithful in prayer meetings and bible study in church, although I do get feeding from BSF. And I couldnt see how this verse could be that..applicable in my life. I reasoned that I have other fellow brethren to fellowship with etc etc. And strangely, (I believe this is the Lord's doing), this verse came to life during camp recently. The theme for the AFC 2011 was "Issues facing Christians today; church, family, work and country" and Esther 4:14 was taken as the main verse. And when Uncle Wong took on the topic Family, I had little expectations. But he drew our attention to a picture of a tree, where it draws its nutrients and essential feeding from the ground through its roots. And it has to go deep in the ground for water and the deeper the roots go, the stronger it becomes and the better fruits it bears. And so, he compares this tree to a Christian. Our journey starts when the Sower sows the seeds and seeds that fall on good ground, grow. It gets water and essential elements from the nature and grow. Christians feed on the Word of God, taught by the Holy Spirit and grows and bear fruits. Other elements essential to us is fellowship among brethren. We cannot stay at the surface and expect to grow..we have to go deep into the Word and allow the Holy Spirit to work. This picture of a tree also represents the family of God. To root strongly, you need the encouragement and support of fellow brethren. And while listening to this, Acts 2:42 came to mind. And then, it struck me. What have I been mssing all these years? Yes, sometimes grudges can overwhelm so much that it blurred our vision to see through them but that is also allowing space to the evil one to attack. Perhaps one of the biggest lie is that we can survive on our own without being among the brethren.

And so, the believers gave themselves to the study of the Word, fellowship, breaking of bread and prayer.

These 4 pillars of a Christian are something that fellow believers can only share with another fellow believer. We cannot do this with a non-believer because they would not appreciate or understand these. After all, the bible did say we are a peculiar lot.

What Defines Me

2011-09-22T13:05:00.000+08:00

I've been taught to pray for my future husband since young, since we started having sessions of buds unfolding or the no-entry-gardens in church. But often, I do not know what to pray or how to pray. I often asked if I should pray for a specific person or in general and hopes that he will just appear in front of me? And of course, they were not answered in the ways I had hoped them to be. To complicate matter, someone once told me that sometimes God doesnt just send a specific person. He has a few and would see how we choose. Gracious..those were my most confusing period. And i gave up praying eventually because I remember praying for someone and nothing happened. Now, how do God answer prayers like this?
I also used to think that my defining factors depend on who I marry, because ultimately, I want to be a wife and a mother. Which means, I cant live my life properly until that man comes. Looking back, that was not the desire of our Lord and no wonder He kept silent in answering me. What defines me should be Christ. Afterall, I'm a child of God first and foremost. I had always thought that my life and issues would be straighten out once I get married, because then I dont have to struggle with finding time to do God's work at church and spending time with my family. I would then have time for everything I should do as a Christian. How off-skewed is that.
No, if I struggle to find time to serve in church and finding time to spend with my family, I will still have the same problem even when I have family of my own. And I suspect it will be worse off. So, when people say Heaven begins on earth, it also means, living your Christian life begins now on earth, whether you are single or married. And God forbit I should compartmentalize my life to moments with God and moments without. This is me, and it comes in a package. God didnt just send His Son to die for my Mondays and let me live as how I want to on Tuesdays or in any other aspects of my life. Jesus died for me, the whole self and I'm called to give my life to Him, again my whole self. Never just moments or when I am of work. So, if I cant find time to serve in church now when I'm unmarried, I wont have time to serve Him when I'm married.
How then do I pray? I think one needs to be clear with the fact Jesus died for our sins and our very being. God's salvation plan is perfect and it covers all aspects of our lives. To understand that we are no masters of our own, we need to remember the story of Ruth and Boaz. When Boaz became Ruth kinsmen-redeember, she became his wife, not just a partimer. And I think in praying for our future-husbands, rather than praying a specific person to be "him", we should pray for that person. I've got a few things in my mind that perhaps I should concentrate on these.

1. Pray for his salvation. I was reminded recently, although God says we should not be unequally yoked, but our future husband may or may not be saved yet. If he is saved, pray for God's wisdom to be on him.
2. Pray for his desire/visions. Pray for him that he would have God in his mind. What are his thoughts and visions like? Does he seek to please God? Does he have dreams for the local church? Is mission is his mind?
3. Pray for his heart. That he would have a desire to trust and obey God. I think it's very important for my future husband to have a heart to obey God because he has to lead the family. I grew up in a family where my father is always the ultimate decision maker. Although he is not a Christian (yet) but since young, my mother makes it a point to discuss and let my father decides big decisions for our family. Whether if we should move, or if we should buy another house and even how we should renovate our house. My father is the architect and engineer in that respect.
4. Pray for his christian walk/ministry. The ministry he is in, does he bear fruits?

Personally, above all, I trust in God's timing. God is never late and while I'm in waiting, I should be living my life in full surrender and how God would be pleased with. Because it never changes, whether I'm married or not.

Purity

2011-06-12T21:04:00.000+08:00

Picked this up from a sermon I heard recently.

The speaker says:
Girls, if you have not given yourself to anyone or if ever you feel pressured by your
peers, tell them this. For me to be like you, one night out there will do it. But for you to be like me, never again."

I havent heard this for a long time. I thought I knew enough about purity and importance of being pure before marriage but it's been so long since such reminder came along.

The book of John

2010-11-15T13:40:00.000+08:00

I havent been updating my blog for the longest time ever. Guna told me that I've violated the rule of blog writing, in that I did not write down what comes to my mind quickly but to let the drafts in my dashboard to accumulate. So, I thought I should show more love to my abandoned blog and i'm posting the drafts I've left to idle.

This piece below was written towards the end of last year, after been on BSF for about 8 months.

Today's our sharing day at BSF. We've been doing the study on John for 32 weeks and it's been such a refreshing study. I remember when I first started BSF February this year, I thought, "What have I gotten myself into?" It's a weekly affair and driving down to CBB isnt exactly my idea of starting the week. But I knew I had to pick myself up from where I left off. I have been neglecting my spiritual walk. There were a lot of outward expression but little on the in filling and study on the Word. I wasnt growing, I wasnt getting answers from the Lord and I was dead, literally I guess.

The book of John is one of the best love story in the Bible, where the Lord revealed the love He showed to us through His Son. This is where John 3:16 came from, a mandatory verse to memory since I was a child. The book of John reminded me of how far God would go in loving me, He sent His son to die on the cross. This book also reminded me of the importance of a close relationship with God and how he would give peace. It's not more feelings of calmness but it's an assurance that you have trusting that He would deliver. And this year, during the time when I struggled to look for answer, I had peace. Suddenly, it was clear why things were happening the way they are.

For that, I'm thankful.

Such joy

2010-06-17T18:43:00.000+08:00

Post Mulu- It's been 2.5 weeks since. We still talk about Mulu. Never would I had thought how impactful the trip would be in my life. It's really interesting hearing how it has impacted Yee's life as well. Both of us came back humbled, in our ways and at the same time, equaly excited to embark on any such trips in the near future. We were already talking about Sg Rajang and Kapit! I really like Sarawak. Yee told me to listen to an oldie, "I left my heart in San Francisco," and told me that the song suits my current emotions. I thought the song was cheesy! But, I think I did leave part of my heart there.

One of the guys we met in Mulu continues his solo journey to other Asian countries, after Mulu. I'm encouraged by his courage and adventourous spirit of travelling to all these countries with just his back pack and a Lonely Planet guide! That had been my dream type of travel but is also soemthing which I would not have the guts to do. I'm impressed with his humble spirit of exploring new culture and embracing them. Even I was quite taken with the sudden diversity at the long house but I saw such grace in this young man. Quite an interesting character and what joy to meet such.

Onward, I went to break bread with the Senoi people at Tapah last Sunday. It was such a simple meeting in a simple setup. The Senoi people crowded the hall and waited for us to arrive from KL and as soon as we did, we sang songs of praise and it was again such joy to see how they praised God, having little yet much in Spirit. The children, despite having only SS once a month, that's when we come, took the effort to memorise the memory verses and recited them effortlessly. This brought me much shame, having so much and yet taking the exact things for granted. I have many bibles, but make so little effort to read. Oh Lord, please forgive me. The ladies had their own cooking session and men, the fellowship. Some who need medical attention, had their share from Dr Chew.

And yesterday was a joyful day where one of my close friend got engaged in a simple ceremony in her house. This dear sister of mine has finally found her man. Looking back at what she has gone through the past few years, I could seee very clearly how God had led her and eventually worked this union out so beautifully. I think they are such a match and my prayer is that, from this point, only one life goes forth and may it is in accordance to God's will and within His plans.

I trust that God has His plans for me and it will come to past as and when it should according to His plans. For God works for the good of those who love Him and delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Lord, I commit unto You my deepest desires for You alone know what spells my heart and my mind.

Mulu- Done it

2010-06-07T18:45:00.000+08:00

I have not been to this part of the world. It all started 6 months ago when we came across a travel blog by a fellow Malaysian on Mulu. She was there 5 years ago. We saw the pictures she took and we got hooked on and decided to email her and see if we could get more information and possibly the contact of the local guide who took them around. With little expectations, we waited for a reply and she did, promptly! And our adventure of planning started.

This trip brought the three of us from Miri-Mulu-Kuala Litut-Camp 5-Pinnacles-Headhunters' trail-Kuala Terikan-Sg Mendalam Longhouse-Medamit-Limbang-Brunei-Miri. It was an amazing adventourous journey. I personally didnt know what to expect. I've been to camps, slept in tents, done 3/4 of Mount KK, occasional hikes and I thought, "Well, just how difficult walking in the rainforest and climbing Pinnacles would be?" Ha! I was not quite right. We walked an average of 10 km per day, in Mulu National Parks, to Camp 5 and on the HH trail. I have never sweated so much in my life. Drops of sweats just dripped onto my clothes and i get drenched sooner than I thought! We backpacked and therefore, we carried our own bags throughout the trip.

Mulu's an amazing place. It's tucked away in the heart of Sarawak, near to Brunei and it's home to many beautiful caves. Deer Caves, Langs Cave, Clearwater Cave, Wind cave and many many more underground ones. They are still exploring and discovering more and more underground caves! How amazing is that. My personal favourite is the Deer and Clearwater. The Deer Cave got its name from the deers who used to roam in the cave to drink the water that flows through the cave. Deers, being mammals need salt to survive and the guanos from the bats that fall into the flowing rivers provided just that. However, as more deer get hunted down for their meat by the locals, deer eventually move out of the place.

Deer cave has a special ecological system where bats hang above (Millions of them) and some glittering bugs feeding on their guano, digesting and bacterias survive in the cave etc. We were not allowed to flash our torch towards the ceiling, in case if we scare the bats away and bats are not blind! Whatever they taught us in science class. I grew up thinking that bats are blind and therefore they need to emit sound at certain frequencies and have it bounced around to manoeuver their way around. That's half true. The caves have many formations from acidic rain water and lime stones. There are flowstones, flow curtains, statlagmites etc. And you could let your imaginations run, looking at these formations because they could look like humans to some, octopuses to another. Han (Our guide whom I think we've driven crazy) gave up on me because there was a formation that looks like a man and a woman but I could see nothing of those. My friends went like, "Yea, here's the man and here's the woman." I was blind.

After these caves, we went to the bats observatory, hoping to catch the bat exodus again. We've seen it the evening before, thanks to a quick wise decision by my friend. It rained that evening and the bats decided not to get wet and for that night, they would feed on their guano. Slighty disaapointed, we made our way back to our homestay, just right outside the National Park. The next morning, we went to Batu Bungan, a village for the Penans. It was heart-wrenching seeing the way they live. Comparing to our livestyles here in KL, these people live is utter simplicity and might be backwards to some. What happen to the state that was supposed to be the richest because of its abundant natural resources? Wealth doesnt seem to be shared across and many more are living in dilapidated state. We lingered a while more at the village, waiting for another group that was to join us that day. Turned out that only 1 came and 4 others will only come in in the evening. So, the four of us, set out to the river and visited the Clearwater and Wind caves.

Clearwater was quite majestic looking inside. It used to have water flowing through it. Water has somehow receeded slightly and you could see the water lines on the wall and ceiling. It must have been an undergound cave where sea/river pass through but as the tectonic plates move, it gets pushed upwards and became above ground. It was cool inside. We saw photo kast as well, where the bacterias that rest on the stones needed the sun for synthesis and it's as if that the stones are growing towards the sun! Pretty amazing. We stopped for lunch and there was a pool right outside the cave. Was tempted to jump in for a swin but decided to give it a pass, having thought of wet sticky clothes. Andy, an Englishman from Ascot, dived in. Ascot was the place where I had the privellege to spend a weekend with a local family 4 years ago when I was in England. Andy was hoping that the host I was with was his neighbour but ha, it wasnt the case.

We continued on, arriving at Kuala Litut and walked 8.5 km to Camp 5. Leeches were everywhere. I had one at the back of my thigh. Bloody creatures. And Andy had none. I concluded that the secret was to have long legs and a speedy walk and Andy added that having hairy legs helped form part of the protection as well. Okay, I take that.

Having walked for 2.5 hours, we arrived at Camp 5. Amenities were basic but I was very impressed with the cleanliness of the toilets! Way much better that the R&Rs along the highways in Peninsular. We had our dinner and Maxwell, one of our guides cooked for us. He cooked well. We had a good dinner! After some pep talk on what to expect on the Pinnacles the next day, we went to bed. Well, technically none of us could sleep because one started a night orchestra and I was up practically the whole night. And it was cold. I thought it would be warm in the forest at night, and therefore, did not bring any long trousers, smartly.

We got up at 5 ish the next morning and feeling more tired than the night before. I wondered how would I do the Pinnacles. But thankfully, the lack of sleep wasnt my main problem. The hike up was difficult and the descend was tortourous. I ended up taking 5 hours up and 8 hours down. Not something that I was proud of but it was such an experience. The limestones were huge and slippery and I ended up descending the way I ascended! And it was too much for my back. Nonetheless, the view at Low Peak was beautiful and thankfully worth the climb! By the time it got dark (It gets dark by 6 pm there), we had another 500 m more to go downwards and another guide came to our rescue. And when I reached Camp 5, there was a line of concerned fellow campers who got worried when I didnt get back in time. Ha..what a scene. And I think I became famous that night. People started asking if I was okay and ha..That night was also a great night where we mingled with our fellow campers and it was warm.

Afterall, travelling is about making friends to me and much more than going from Point A to Point B. It's about meeting people and getting to know their lives and being touched by theirs. I thought the three of us clicked quite well. Despite it being the first trip with SM, she's fun and occacionally blur. Haha..And Yee, as always, the big sister of the pack. It must have been strange to some for 3 girls in different stages of their lives, clicking so well. But as I always said, it's good company!

I never regretted persevering the hike although at many times, I thought of giving up but it's always when you push yourself to the your maximum capability that you truly reap the fruits of your perseverence. In this case, it was a test against a tired body and determined mind. I remember on the way up, another fellow hiker and I got talking and he said he never liked hiking and hiking is the dumbest thing ever. And when I reach the peak, he asked me if I regretted it, and to my surprise, I said no.

Back to Camp 5 and shifted dorm for the night. The next day, after breakfast, we bid goodbye to Han and move on on the HH trail, a 11.3 km walk to Kuala Terikan. Leeches were all over again. I had two fat ones on my thigh, just right above my knees again. And my shorts was soaked in my own blood. I didnt realise that leeches have anti-coagulants that they inject onto the wound to keep the blood flowing. I ended up bleeding until I reached the longhouse.

Having reached Sg Mendalam Longhouse, we got ushered to our pintu. It has 16 pintu and each house a family and they are all related to each other. Thought I could catch some sleep before the all night long celebration but it was too noisy outside. I got talking to the locals and made some friends. Found out that most of them are Catholics. I think the Penghulu got evangelised to and quantity wise, many became Christians but it would be most awesome if that is a true conversion and being reflected in their lives. I cant tell for sure but now I have another item on my prayer list, that's for these Ibans/Tabuns. God loves all and all shall be saved if they confessed with their mouths. That night's dinner at the longhouse was the best I had in Sarawak. We had umbut chicken, bamboo pork and chicken, paku vege, bamboo shoots etc. The ingredients were simple but it was very flavourish. Managed to catch an hour of nap and we got dragged out of bed by 10 pm. Joined in the thanksgiving prayers and the celebration of Gawai begins. Before the food indulgence, there were the tree and dance! We were supposed to circle the tree and get our hands on the goodies that were hung on it, till it gets exhausted. Then, they unveiled the "trunk" which was wrapped with clothes and there were more tuak in it. The Penghulu served us with tuak and we had bout 2 or 3 glasses each. Having heard how high the alcohol contents are in these, I tried refraining from taking too much. Then, more food and more dances. They passed around this hat and if it landed on yours, you are supposed to get up and danced to the tune. They tried on mine, but ha, I was too shy to dance in front of hundreds of people. Hat passed on and we saw some of our fellow campers letting loose and moved to the beat. It was quite cool. I felt myself getting groggy and decided to call it a night. While the music continue to blast throough the night and more stamps on the ground, I slept.

The next day, I was getting a bit heavy hearted to leave. Although it was just a day, I really like the place. The evening before when we took a stroll near the river, I looked around and I saw this majestic picture of serenity and calmness. Andy quipped, " I really love this place". I nodded in agreement. They were simple people, most accomodative and this trip changed my perspective to life a bit. Though I was glad to be back and having my car to drive around, I couldnt help but reminisced the 6 days I had in Sarawak. I realised that, people in the city get bogged by many irrelevant minor issues that we think are huge when we are already blessed with so much. Here in Mulu and the long house, they only have electricity from 6 pm to 10 pm, powered by the genset. They shower in cold water, pumped from either the river or from the hills nearby. We had to have our heater on before we shower.

This trip has taught me a lesson of contentment. It got me thinking a lot about church and my family as well. I suddenly realised that I have so much to pray for. The salvation of these people, of my family. I suddenly realised that I've been taking my family for granted. Lord, I pray that I'll have the chance to appreciate and honour them in my life. I also realised that I've not been using my life to do the things that mean more. But I cant get my head round it just yet. More quiet moments to pray, I reckon.

Oh, the morning before we were due to leave, one of the guides who got drunk the night before and that morning itself, came to me and this was roughly what we spoke about.

G: Irene, I nampak you can take care of people.
I: ..Err,..okay (Eyebrow raised)
G: Kalau ada bujang-bujang di sini mau kahwin, you mau tinggal di sini?
I: (Shocked)..Huh? Tak Nak!
G: Bukanlah, ada banyak bujang-bujang di sini. Kalau mau kahwin, mau tinggal?
I: Tak Nak

He repeated and I said no, obviously and proceeded to leave. He freaked me out. I told my mum when I got back, she got really concerned and I wondered if she would let me go Sarawak again. haha.

Some pictures from the trip. Hopefully they paint clearer pictures that what was described above.

Garden Of Eden. View from Deer Cave.

Boat rides. No crocs!

One for the camera!

Painstaking climb

Picture of exhaustion

Up finally-All smiles

At the Long house

With the Iban girls

Sg Lembing !

2010-05-10T08:27:00.000+08:00

I thought I needed a break from work. A friend suggested going to Kuantan and Sg Lembing for a weekend. I jumped at the chance and off we went. We left after Sunday service and drove to Kuantan. I havent driven on this stretch of roads but it was adventurous to try! It was quite a pleasant drive along KL-Karak highway, not too windy. We reached Kuantan at about 2.30 pm and headed straight for the curry mee at Teluk Cempedak. Because it was a Sunday, there were many families at the beach, strolling and playing water. As I sat under a tree with wind blowing to my face, I thought what a beautiful scene I'm seeing here. The waters were blue, the sky was clear. So cantik. We took a stroll down the beach and saw such beautiful scenes. Reminded me a lot of what God says in Genesis where He said,"Let the waters be separated from the dry. The waters shall be called sea and the dry land".

We continued driving to Sg Lembing for roughly another hour. It's a very small, quaint town. We started exploring around, on car and on foot. We found a nice homestay and decided to put up the night there. It wasnt too expensive to get a room. We paid RM 80 for an air-conditioned room and because it was a Sunday night, there werent other guests around. So we had the whole house to ourselves! We decided to explore the town a bit more on foot, having gauged our bearings during the drive earlier. We crossed the river via hanging bridges, like the ones below. Sg Lembing is unique in the sense that some houses are separated from the town by a river. And people built hanging bridges to cross to get to the town. It's very easy to walk around and it's relatively safe too.

Sg Lembing used to a tin mining town. It has the world largest sub-terrain mine underground. It's quite amazing reading the facts outside the museum. We came to one of the deserted tin facotry, and we couldnt make out what we were seeing. We saw an uncle cycling past and out of plain curiosity, we halted him and began asking him the background of the factory. It turned out that he used to an ex-miner working at the same factory 20 years ago. As he re-tell the story, you could sense the pride in him, being a worker and part of the development of the town. The Sultan of Pahang, then, signed a 100 years concession agreeement with PCCL, giving them full access to mine from this place, and in return an increment of 1cent per year. 1 cent per year?!

In exchange of that, the town grew and become posperous. Many more ang mohs came and you could still see big bungalows up hill and surrounding the place, apparently homes of the managers and senior employees. There was also a cinema and club houses. We went in to the museum as well and walked through the tunnel of history, detailing the past activities and the growth of the town.

On Monday morning, we woke up early and started our hike up Sg Lembing hill at 6 am. It took us approximately 45 mins to reach the peak and we waited for the sunrise. It was spectacular! I have never seen such beautiful sun rise! The whole sky evolved in such majestic colours, from dark grey borrowing lights from the stars to the breaking of dawn and stripes of yellow-orange tore the sky and out emerged the yolk! It was most awesome. As I stood in awe, I couldnt help but praised my Almighty God. Who else could design such magnificence?

We hung out a bit more at the peak and at about 7.30, we made our descend. And guess what we saw? The entire town was covered in mist! We were like walking down through the clouds. It was beautiful. I'm running out of adjectives to use here. Pictures paint a thousand words. Enjoy the pictures below.

After breakfast and a final attempt to eat tofu (Apparently famous in Lembing), we found out that tofu are not delivered on Mondays by suppliers because they usually do a lot more on weekends to cater the tourists and rest on Mondays. Bummers! A reminder, the roast pork is also only available on Saturdays. We missed that as well. After a hearty breakfast, we decided to leave and stopped by Karak for a late lunch. It was durian puffs and they were expensive! Our most expensive meal for the trip. Oh, the dinner we had at Lembing, it cost us only RM 19, for 3 of us. I dont remember spending so little for dinner. And it wasnt too bad a dinner. We had tomato noodles, kao yoke, vegetables and canned drinks. We tried doing the maths again and again but it just doesnt add up. Haha..

Hanging bridge

River half-dried up

We walked into this as we descended Bukit Lembing. How cool is that!

Bina ayat

2010-05-09T11:21:00.000+08:00

Being in Teens has brought much thrill and warmth to my heart. It's been a year and half now since I last started teaching in Teens. It's been exciting and nothing mundane. We have just started our tuition class in effort to help the kids with their language, Bahasa particularly. Last Saturday, I gave them words to bina ayat from. The words were:
1) Bertopeng
2) Menyalak
3) Dibakar

Here's what one of the kids wrote

1) Saya bertopeng kerana saya ada H1N1. ( Ookay..fair enough)
2) Anjing saya menyalak saya kerana saya ada H1N1 ( Haha..)
3) Saya dibakar kerana saya ada H1N1 (...)

That's fun for me.

Hong Kong was awesome

2009-03-15T20:19:00.000+08:00

Was in Hong Kong some days ago for Karman's wedding. Had an anwesome time meeting up with uni mates and going around the island. Such privellege to be able to break bread with the brethren in Onn Fook Gospel Hall as well. Everything was in Cantonese and I thought the language was so beautiful, especially when bible verses were read out in that language.

Much has really happened these few months. I often started off with loads in my head to share but as soon as these fingers hit the keyboard, the thoughts in my head suddenly seem too menial to be recorded. But one thing I must really thank God for was the privillege to experience His mercy in finance. I have heard a message before on how to trust God in finances and God will never owe or rob His people. Therefore we should give more to our Lord. In this age of grace, I don't believe that tithes still apply but often it's the giving of more than tithes that's difficult. I decided to trust God in this matter and tried giving more. Often in months, I would have enough to survive. And lately God has blessed me even more with a little adjustment in salary and it actually matched what I've given. I am thrilled.

Another thanksgiving item was in the area of service. I have often thought that I would never fit in any ministries in church. Or so I thought. But last Watchnight service, my heart moved when I heard that Teens needed more sisters. I thought..let's give it a shot. Mei Sun approached me and I thought it wouldnt hurt much to just observe. Soo Aun mentioned countless times that since I'm observing, I am not obligated for anything. 2 months have passed and I couldnt believed how much I've enjoyed being with this group. During one of the chats with Wenli, she pointed out that we would enjoy our service if God willed us to be there. It would not be a drag if it's really the area that God has intended for us. After YA, I had much difficulties finding my place in the assembly and I struggled much to fit in. It's only when I prayed for God to take full control of this life that things begin to fall into places. And indeed, God kept to His promises. Now, I enjoy prayer meetings, Teens and Sundays much more than before.

I now need to resume the bible readings with Wenli. And hey, if you're reading this, let's get this started once again.

And with the boys, I enjoyed being with them so much. This is the age where they still have much innocence and purity and yet exploring the teenage qualities. I still see them crying one moment after losing a game and standing up for another friend the next. I absolutely love them! And my prayer for now is that If God willed to use me further with this group, use me Lord.

As of matters of the heart, I've decided that I shall just chill it. God has provided much opportunities for interaction. Uncle spoke on marriages today in church. And he mentioned that marrriage is intended for partnerships. Eve was created as a helper for Adam. They formed a partnership to keep the garden and the animals. Sin came in and spoilt it all. Therefore, my outlook to this matter should be of a pertnership as well. I do not know how God will work in this area but if You will, I will continue to wait. There are just too many what ifs.
The last time Darsh came back, we had opportunities to talk about this too. And we decided that indeed that unless God willed, things will not work out no matter how dreamlike and probable things are in our human eyes. And our God specializes in heart keeping.

Meanwhile, as much as this heart decides to move on, God seem to be closing doors of outside opportunities. Maybe You want me to stay on Lord. But if You really do, make my stay in this company somehting worthwhile. Perhaps, it's CF. Perhaps it's other matters.

Song in my head

2008-11-02T16:20:00.000+08:00

This song kept playing in my head.

In the image of God, we were made long ago,
with the purpose divine, here his glory to show;
But we failed Him one day, and like sheep went astray,
thinking not of the cost, we His likeness had lost.
But from eternity, God had in mind,
the work of Calvary, the lost to find;
From His heaven so broad, Christ came down earth to trod,
so that men might live again in the image of God.

Now that I have believed, and the Saviour received,
now that I from the guilt, of my sins am relieved,
I will live for my Lord, counting no gain nor loss,
but for love thinking of, what His likeness has caused
I'll never comprehend, redemption's plan,
how Christ could condescend, to die for me;
Such a Saviour I'll praise, till the end of my days,
as I upward, onward climb, in the image of God

God has been impressing this hymn upon my heart for quite a few days now.

Redenmption's plan is something I could not understand. Why God would send His Son? But this I hope to do, to live my life worthy of His name, in my words, conducts and thoughts.

Lord, it's my prayer that this desire continues to grow nd burn like the candle which never goes out.

Stereotype and humility

2008-09-05T19:28:00.000+08:00

Some additional thoughts.

I had dinner with two lovely sisters yesterday night. We reminisced bout the past, we shared bout our experiences after having to work for some time now, we share bout our passion and gossips. But one thing that kept me extremely thankful is that none of us has changed. We still share the same dreams of seeing God to work wonders in our lives. We still continue to pray for God to work among us, we longed to see more people being raised and more workers to be raised. We long to see a revival in our church, in our homes, in our work places and in our country.

Along the way, a sister pointed out that unknowingly we were taught to stereotype. We paused and thought. She was right. I remember in my conversations with my colleagues on life partners. I said that he must not be a smoker. They all jumped at my statement and claimed that smoking is a habit and like other habits, can be changed and improved. The Bible teaches us to love the sinner but hate the sin but here I am judging even the person. And even when I join other assembly's camps, I tend to see them in a different light. I was judging them in the way they read or sing. Oh God, please forgive me for my sins. I'm at not position to judge and there's no reason for me to think that I'm in anyway higher than anyone else. God, You alone deserve the praise and glory.

It's really important to keep our feet on the ground and be humble at all times. Lord, be my guard.

My God is good

2008-09-05T19:25:00.000+08:00

The past few weeks have been different and a fresh breath to my almost-becoming-mundane life. It has just been about work , a little of church, friends and family. The pace of life was so quick for the past months that I lost track of a lot of things. I was quickly ushered in into a new project even before my previous project ended. Life was speeding past me and I couldn’t catch up.

Timely, however, it’s the month of August, the month of camps. I believe this is timely because it wouldn’t be if not for God. I went for a bible conference where speakers like Peter Ferry and Shawn Abigail spoke. It drew many stares for the fact that I’m going for this conference instead of my annual family camp, held on a adjacent-yet-not-so-adjacent hill. Some gave me blunt-beyond-shocked faces punctuated with many whys. Having decided, I went ahead. It was a great conference. Peter Ferry spoke on Malachi and Shawn Abigail on Dispensationalism. If you think dispensationalism is a higher learning, you are deadly wrong. In fact, it is very fundamental and in my opinion, crucial to all believers. Dispensation talk about stewardship and how God dealt with people of and at different periods. There are dispensation of innocence, conscience, human government, promise, law, grace and kingdom. It is an orderly arrangement, administration and interaction between God and His people.

Dispensation of innocence begun in the Garden of Eden where God told Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Innocent and all they need to do was to obey and Adam was given authority to rule over all the earth. But they failed to obey and just when they sinned, they realized they were naked. Then, dispensation of conscience begins. After being driven out of the garden, they had to feed themselves. And despite having conscience to distinguish between right and wrong, man still sin. Cain murdered Abel. People thought they could reach heavens if they unite, hence the tower of Babel and many other instances. Man still sin. Their conscience is marred. Then, they wanted ruler to be over them, hence the dispensation of human government. But despite having human leaders, man fails to obey too. God then promised Abraham that He would through him, bring forth many descendants. This is the dispensation of promise. But Abram didn’t believe and had Ishmael with his maid servant. Man fails yet again. God then brings forth the dispensation of law. Man had to obey 613 laws and needless to say, they fail. Then it was the dispensation of grace, This is the period that we are living in. God sent His Son to die on the cross for us and by His grace, we are saved. But man still do not believe God. The bible speaks of the return of Christ by which the dispensation of millennium will begin. The bible also speak of the failure of man to believe for many will be cast into the lake of fire. In each dispensation however, God still gets the glory.

The reason why I say this is fundamental is because it really is and it helps you understand why God treats people differently at different times. I find it really helpful and now I’m being able to see the bible in a different light. I always thought that the OT has nothing to do with me, all the more when the church is not Israel and Israel is not the church. But now I see why it’s this way. God deals with His people differently at different time. You would see how gracious our God is in each period and how sinful man is. God truly gets the glory in the end because He’s God. I always thought that God would definitely get the glory because, well, He’s the main player and He does what He wants but now I understand the sovereignty of God. He just deserves and He gets the glory ultimately because man is useless. We cannot outbeat or out wit God. Soli Deo Gloria! To God alone be the glory! Amen!

I didn’t intend it to be a message but I felt the need to explain because it would really be good if all of us understand this truth. To read more, go to Shawn Abigail’s website at brethrenonline.org. He has many writings there. Apart from the enlightening messages, conference was good because you get to meet people from different assemblies. It’s good to make friends. Though I went alone and many thought it was weird, I survived it and I met some really wonderful people who loves the Lord and are passionate for His work. I am looking forward to next year’s already. It would be excellent and beneficial for everyone, especially the youth in our assembly to attend. Healthy exposure.

Then, last weekend, I was at another camp. This time round, it was a youth camp for students up to young working adults. It was another refreshing camp. I didn’t have much of a cultural shock and it was acceptable. There, I see something which I longed to see within my assembly. I see out poured passion for God. There was so much energy and I believe God could use these passionate and energetic youth for His work. It wasn’t the hype or spur of the moment, though I would say intense repetition of verses and choruses are not necessary but it’s impactful. It has been my prayer lately that God will raise more and more people for His work. More workers to go out and bring people into the church. For His people to love Him more, so much that it overspills and non-Christians testify to that testimony and be saved. My heart aches seeing my unsaved family and friends at different juncture of my life. My heart aches when I see the condition of our country. As grateful as I am that I’m in a country that doesn’t discriminate against Christians, I longed to see more souls being saved. And I see such love and passion at the camp. I remember someone said that we are so heavy in knowledge that we lacked the doing. We failed to allow God to work or to use us for Him. Because we don’t trust in our hearts though we do by head, we deny God in displaying His mighty power.

And the recent Passion conference I went to, it brought a grim reminder that greater things are yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city. There’s so much work more to do, within or outside our assembly. I remember I gave up in my service with the youth because I didn’t see myself contributing to them. Now thinking back, maybe it wasn’t the area for me. How Lord can I be used? I want to see changes. I want to see your people being passionate for you. I want to see the spirit of sharing being manifested in church.

Would you use me, Lord?

My prayer is this, that this desire to serve and to make a change for our God will not die of with time. And my fellow friends, there are so much more to do for our God. Let’s strife harder.

Hosea and Gomer

2008-07-26T07:53:00.000+08:00

Don’t know what He sees in me
He is spirit, he is free
And I, the wife of adultery
Gomer is my name
Simply more than I can see
How he keeps on forgiving me
How he keeps his sanity
Hosea, you’re a fool

CHORUS:

A fool to love someone like me
A fool to suffer silently
But sometimes through your eyes I seeI’d rather be a fool
The fondness of a father
The passion of a child
The tenderness of a loving friend
An understanding smile
All of this and so much moreYou’ve lavished on a faithless whore
I’ve never known love like this before
Hosea, you’re a fool

CHORUS

This God of yours would not have told
To lift a love that you couldn’t hold
And though time and time again
I fleeI’m always glad to see you coming after me
Simply more than I can see
How he keeps on forgiving me
The wife of adultery
And Gomer is my name

I was thinking

2008-01-16T01:28:00.000+08:00

This is a serious attempt to revive this blog. Haha..It's been dead for some months now. Darsh told me she gave up reading my blog because I never update it. My only excuse is that I've had my hands full on other things, work, family, church...Soemtimes, after working for a good 10 hours, you wouldnt want to face the computer anymore when you reach home.
Anyway..Much has happened during these absence. I've had my prayers answered, there were breakthroughs in my family, some major accident nearly wreaked my family apart, insight to the reality of human evil-ness, power of tongues and weakness of the heart when it comes to emotions. I've also experienced the goodness of our Lord..Man..it's been wonderful.
To start off, work hasnt been very interesting. To a point, it's becoming draggy. I was once very sure that this is where God wants me to be and with Him leading me here, I'm prepared to stay to learn but I am not sure till when. I need to revive my spiritual life as well, I need to pick up on reading the bible every night.
My family was involved in a major accident last Saturday. They were coming down from Ipoh and soon, it began to rain and puddles of water were on the road. Needless to say, they skidded on the road, hit the divider and turned and spinned before landing on the emergency lane. Thankfully, God has really been gracious to this family. They all escaped unhurt. With no visible serious injuries. Went for check-ups and thank God that they did not sustain any internal injuries as well. It's really my prayer and I hope it would be yours aswell even as you read this that it would be an opening to a soul searching experience for each one of them as they pass from that valley of death. God has truly held each one of them closely and that none were lost. Havent had the opportunity to see the wreakage and could only imagined. But mum said it was really bad.
Side tracked, had a sleepover in my house that day with a few close friends. Been so long since we caught up. And it was so good to hear from them. One related matters of the heart and as exciting as it sounds to me, it also dawns upon me the reality of temptations and how weak our body can be. It's undeniably true that feelings can be very over powering. Especially when you've been showered with so much attention. This dear sister pointed out one bit," Non-believers accept me better than Christian brothers."
I paused and thought, that was very true. It's such a shame that we who belong to the family of God feel unbelonged within our family. With no fingers pointing anywhere, it's good for us to pause and think. I was brought up in a way where unequally yoked relationships will never work. I dont deny that there are some successful ones where one partner eventually embraced Christ and both grew very strongly. But there must be a reason why God put that verse in Corinthians to remind us not to be unequally yoked. Since I came out to work, my circle of friends are mostly non-believers. It's been a real blessing having these friends around. We clicked well, we enjoyed doing things together. We shared stories, experiences, gossips..With the guys in the group being attached (which helped greatly because it would mean totally out of the consideration), I couldnt help but thought that they guys are really more interesting people. Comparing with the guys I see in church. Perhaps it was different up bringing, family background. There's this sense of maturity that I dont find among the already scared population of eligible males in church.
Thankfully however, I have a group of wonderful and close cliques of girlfriends who stand by the same principles as me. God say." Do not be unequally yoked." Therefore, I shall no be unequally yoked. I trust that God would honour this obedience as He has honoured so many before. As for this sister, it is truly my prayer that you would seek His will above all and as you strive to obey Him, He would honour you in return.We just need to stand by faith and with each other in this case (which I have no doubt we would stand by each other)
Breakthroughs in my family. My parents finally went to listen to a chinese testimony and gospel in a church in KL. I had always wondered how would God speak to my dad and indeed, He has opened a door just yet, in His perfect timing! I pray and hope that God would continually working miracles within this family and that we would all come to the knowledge of His saving grace.

-Untitled-

2007-10-27T11:02:00.000+08:00

My HOE invited me to a fellowship lunch, held every Friday on the floor above mine for all Dialog christian employees. The aim was to recognise the christians around, have fellowship together and to encourage and remind each other of our roles in lives as followers of Christ despite the busy-ness in at work. It was for good course of course. I went and sat down in a circle. As the clock strikes one, more and more people came in through that far corner door into the room. I know most who came in but I did not know they too were believers. Just as I sat on that chair and looked around me, a sense of sadness overwhelmed me. I was shamefully reminded of my outburst and constant complaining and "cursing" at some who came in because of indifference at work. I was also shamefully reminded of the strife we had because of indifference. And as we sang and he played the guitar, I stared in shameful awe. Standing beside me, playing the guitar and leading the singspiration was the man whom I earlier conflicted with. And I thought, what hipocrisy. As I judged this man, I was brought to a reminder that God too is judging me. I had also sinned the same sins. I prayed that God would realign my actions and thoughts at work that as I professed that I am your follower, let me be truly a practising believer. I prayed that God will radiate His love to the people within this building through ugly vessels like me and that I would always be mindful of my actions less I shame that One who died for my sins in Calvary. I am looking forward to more fellowship meetings like this. God has indeed been mindful of me.

Another event in life took place three days ago. Father of a good sister of mine has passed on. Apart from feeling extremely shocked and saddened, I was also shaken. And it brought to mind, how wonderful it is that God has called me. But it also brought about grim reminder of what ifs any of my family members die without knowing God. What if anything happen to them and they leave without me telling them bout the God I believe in. Why am I afraid and shameful to tell them bout my God? I wished I had more courage. God, I pray that You would also bring to them the saving knowledge of yours. I pray that they wont go until they hear about You. God, please have mercy on them.

We need to be prayerful. As life sweeps us away in busy-ness, what is the real meaning of life?

As I review my thoughts and outlooks of life, what exactly does life mean? I find my previous views of studies, relationships, work all shattered. I find myself being detached more from my fellow friends from church. I find it easier to walk away than to make efforts to carry out conversations. I find my the breath of my life being sucked out slowly and unrecognisably. I find the room around me squeezed another inch or two smaller.

What is happening?

Just got me thinking

2007-09-02T21:16:00.000+08:00

I was browsing through some pages of some of my closest friends. I was looking at their uploaded photographs and some updates about themselves. Suddenly, I realised that I'm not in any of those. Which brought me to think that what sort of friend have I been? I mean, what kind of friends would there be if you're not even in their ongoing events in their lives.

I wonder why...

There are of course many school of thoughts with regards to this. Some say that being friends doesnt mean being with them 24/7. They would have events with other people in their lives too. Some suggest that perhaps we aren't that "friend-ful" either. But what about people whom you do not see often, but that freshness remains each time you meet up. Or what about those who have the best conversation when just seated silently together. Or those whom you just meet in meetings in church? What sort of friends would those be?

Just got me thinking.

I suspect I'm running into "some dunno-what's-the-name-psycological conditions".

Un-weighing the weights

2007-08-26T22:34:00.000+08:00

It is weighing me down.

Lord, please lighten it.

I do not want a stronger body or a steadier head above this frail shoulders.

I wish for You to hold me tighter, keeping me close by Yourself, within Your cleft.

Stressful Rest, Restful Peace

2007-08-26T21:46:00.001+08:00

First year into work, I took 5 days leaves in a row! It drew quite a few raised eyebrows in the office. Couldnt care less though. Was off to Langkawi with classmates from Notts Uni and then off to church camp in Camerons. That week was a crazy week. It had been so stressful and ..erm...stressful. Haha..

I could only finish the important and urgent pieces of exercise late in the evening on my last day at work prior to holidays. Then off I ventured into a whole week of driving, travelling, adventure and ended with quietening of the heart at the blissful Camerons.

Having a friend over from Zhongshan, a few of us drove up to Langkawi. Stayed by the beach and this dear friend was worried if tsunami would come and sweep us away into the sea when dawn comes. Haha...Perfectly understandable I guess when you just left the typhoons behind in your country!

Ate much, tried much local food, ventured deep into the villages in search of cheaper seafood and authentic cuisine, we werent disappointed. Started off in KL, then to Ipoh, Langkawi, Bukit Tambun...wow..we all should have more similar road trips!

After that was off to Camerons. The track up to Camerons never fails to set my stomach spinning and push the liquid in my eardrums off balance. Was glad to say I kept the digested food inside my stomach and not out onto John's car. This camp was really a very refreshing one. The messages were plain and clear and they hit me right in the heart. I was struggling in the beginning to get into the mood of camp bacause I have been so worried bout work. I didnt realise how much work has eaten into my life until that point. I cant believe it myself. The first two days were great struggle. The messages werent getting through and I was not listening. I prayed and when they finally got through, I broke down and cried. Emotionally distressed and more tears, God was listening.

God saw through my heart and I was comforted that He knew what were bothering me. Truly, matters of the heart are always most tangled. No wonder it says in Ecclesiates that let not our hearts be aroused until it is ready. God, may you guard our hearts and emotions until it's time.
As more episodes enfold, I pray that may we be kept close to our Lord and every corners of our hearts be searched that God may truly be our first love and to remain as our first even after earthly attachments.

Crumpled sheet

2007-08-24T14:16:00.000+08:00

I wonder if juice comes out from a crumpled sheet of paper. If it does, I wonder what it tastes like. Would it be sour? Or would it be sweet? Would the paper scream? Could that piece of crumpled sheet ever be un-crumpled again?

Some thoughts

2007-07-12T18:33:00.000+08:00

It's been so long since I last blogged. What a shame. Haha..
Much has happened during the last 2/3 months. I think I am settling in better into the company. Have perhaps lost some of the fire along the way. Perhaps I am also getting accustomed to the way how my company operates.
Been quite an interesting period. I cant believe that I have been working for 6 months now! How time flies. I went from a super blur, worried, scared freshie from university to a slightly more stable, less scared, more smiley leng mui.
Haha..Everyone treats me like a budak. I dun quite mind it actually because with this, comes lower expectations as well. I'm free-er to ask questions, people are more forgiving, though they also trust you less. That's the dillemma I guess. In a period where you want to prove yourself, it's also the period where people trusts you less. Ironic..

Fei has also started working, been 5 months for her now. And Loon too! Two weeks eh? So quick. And Darsh is graduating this year, Wen Li has one more year to go, Laikuan two more...
And oh, Tonghow's graduated too! And Pei yee as well...How quick...

Been quite a lot of emotional and social adjustments..When I at YA, it doesnt quite feel the same now, not only because I am a staff now but also because ..well..my batch's no longer there. The same who started off with me in YP, the gang of FIVE. And I am all about work now. Every single conversation I strike with anyone would be centered to my work. I was just talking to MeiSun the other day and we both realised just how much work-ish has our lives become. I became very intrigued with people's character's in the office...I became more whinny and complain when things get stuck..It just seems like I have so much to tell about my work, the office, and the people in it. And oh, even more, when it seems as if certain people are just there with missions to annoy you. How I wish I could lock them in a closet and push then down a slope. (Children, if you are 18 and below, do not do this at home!)

I love talking about my boss, my bigger boss, my other bosses (So many eh?)..Little matters in the office became juicy bits of gossip. I enjoy running about in the office, attending meetings because it makes me feel I'm busy and important (Silly me, of course!). I enjoy striking conversations with people, especially the elderly. My colleagues told me that I have this somehting with old men! ahah..Ask Loon, she knows why.

But I have also learnt to be thankful to the Lord. I didnt realise how precious God's protection on the road is until I met with an accident last month. I didnt realise how blessed it is to have family until the times when I get so upset at work and my family's just there to listen to my whinning. Who else would take so much interest in your work?! I didnt realise how precious close collegues are until I have eat breakfast alone on some mornings when they went down to site. I didnt realise how wonderful it is to have close friends when with just one phone call, they are there out at the mamak waiting for you to meet up and just talk! Girls need to talk..It's some sort of a therapy for us. Haha..

It just so weird and amazing how distinctly God created us. I was in a very weird conversation with my boss when he actually said men are different, they dun talk. Haha..I laughed out. It's partially true but he has been talking a lot with me..So, he's partial man? Haha..

Work's been fine I guess..(Oh no, here I go again).
Looking forward to meeting Tonghow when he comes back. And Matthew who's coming to visit us in KL. He's a close uni friend from China.

And the family camp coming up in August! From 19-23 August 2007. (Peiling, free publicity here)

Cant wait to go..

Meanwhile, Off to Bukit Kiara now to climb hills..

Slowing down

2007-03-25T19:08:00.001+08:00

Since I started work, I find things were moving very quickly. I was dragged into the rat race without even realising it myself. I remember asking Unc Mah how do we balance between work and life. And also how do we find proper inspiration to work. What exactly should be our motivations especially when we are believers? And how, when we spend close to 10 hours daily in the office?

I was caught in quite a turmoil. I tried so hard to be at my best, trying to impress others, trying to be as outstanding as I can be, working harder...but the more I tried, the harder I struggle, the further into the mud I found myself in. I forgot that I dont have to struggle so hard. I forgot that I have an Almighty God behind me. I forgot to read my Bible. I forgot that I am a believer. I had forgotten all. I had allowed myself to drown in busy-ness.

All I remembered was, I need to beat the traffic in the morning along KL-Seremban Highway, I need to be in the office early, I need to smile to everyone in the office, I need to keep my ears open, I need to impress others, I need to learn quicker, I need to speed up, I need to outperform myself. I remember Jupe telling us before that one of Satan's tactic is not denying Christ but by keeping us busy. How true indeed...

I need to slow down and think what's important in my life. What exactly dictates my life? I was speaking to a good friend and she pointed out to me that I need to really take time off and think and pray. I need to read my Bible more. I need to spend time with my Lord..I have missed them all...

And above all, I need prayers...Thanks all!

Quarter-life crisis

2007-03-18T18:48:00.000+08:00

I'm going through a period where I cant quite describe in words. It's a mixture of struggling to adapt with working, being a fresh graduate out of university, getting my first paychecks, driving myself to work, smiling at strangers in the office hoping to build up friendships with them for reasons I know not myself, bugging my boss over small matters, being on the same table with my boss for dinner but ended up in awkward moments because I ran out of things to say to him, seeing and hearing office politics turning ugly over peanut matters, calling up vendors and not knowing what exactly to ask, being in meetings with all men and not understanding the discussion, not knowing what double or triple axle trailers are and getting excited at the sight of overhead cranes!

What exactly is wrong with me?

I dont really know. I thought I was sure that this was where God wants me to be. He has closed all other doors, answering my doubts of whether if I should quit my present job and get involved in process work instead. So, if I was sure, what was wrong with me?

Again, I dont know. My friend pointed this out. "You are going through quarter life crisis"

What?! It's quite a confusing period. I checked it out in wikipedia and found this. They all spoke right through to my heart. Finally, my situation is being worded quite descriptively reflecting my exact emotions.

Characteristics of this crisis are:

feeling "not good enough" because one can't find a job that is at his/her academic/intellectual level
frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
confusion of identity (err..)
insecurity regarding the near future
insecurity regarding present accomplishments
re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
disappointment with one's job
nostalgia for university or college life
tendency to hold stronger opinions
boredom with social interactions
financially-rooted stress
loneliness
a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you (YES...YES)

Sometimes, I feel that I'm dragging everyone down in my project time, irregardless of my colleagues futile attempt to point out that I'm just a fresh grad. It's normal and understandable.

"Furthermore, a contributing factor to this crisis may be the difficulty in adapting to a workplace environment. In college, professors' expectations are clearly given and students receive frequent feedback on their performance in their courses. You progress year-to-year in higher education. By contrast, in a workplace environment, a person may be, for some time, completely unaware of a boss's displeasure with his performance, or of his colleagues' dislike for his personality. One does not automatically make progress. Office politics require interpersonal skills that are largely unnecessary for success in an educational setting. Emerging adults eventually learn these social skills, but this process – sometimes compared to learning another language – is often highly stressful."

Yes..I find them all true. I would suddenly reminisce the days we walked to Beeston to get groceries, the queueing up for bus, the pathway in the university, the lake...downright to little things like bushing clearing in the backyard and dishwashing in the kitchen.

So..quarter life crisis?

I want to tell

2007-01-14T19:04:00.001+08:00

I want to tell how amazing God has been to me this past month. I remember praying during the course of my job application that the Lord close all doors that He would not want me to get into. He kept to His word while I lamented why replies did not come. My other friends who graduated with me have mostly found work by then and they were still receiving replies from companies which added more pressure to me and got me thinking why mine have been so silent.

One day while I was browsing through the newspaper, I came across this one company which is involved in the field I had wanted to be in. A thought came to my mind. It would be good if I could join this company. I was not sure if it was the ad that was impressive enough or it was the Spirit that was warming my heart. Keeping this to heart, I looked through the page. To my dismay, it's minimum requirements were having at least 10 years experience in the field. I decided to write in to this company anyway because I have nothing to lose. Not having much expectations, I left the matter as it is while continuing to write in to other major players of the field to try out. One replied and I was estatic. However, I would need to go through a few stages before being employed.

Two weeks later, someone from the first company finally called me up. By then, I had forgotten and remembered little of the company profile. I dug into my pile of waste papers in my room and finally found the newspaper cutting. "Oh, so..this was THAT company." I went for an interview and a rather senior engineer interviewed me. No, it wasnt much of an interview. It was more of him telling me about the company while I listened. Roughly half an hour later, the interview ended and I went home with little hope because I knew little of the company and the intevriew was simple and wasnt srutinising. I remember asking him if I would have the chance to go to sites and work and his reply was that they usually prefer keeping the ladies in the office. It seemed almost like he's not interested. I thought, " Oh well, I've been through this."

However, the next day, he called me up and offered me a job! I went, " What?" Oh..a job. Another person called some days laters and said they would send me my copy of the contracts and terms of employment. I hadnt decided to take the job up. Some thought I was pushing it too hard and should just be thankful being offered one when the economy isnt doing very well.

I did, days later. But it was also the day that I finally received a reply from the bigger company inviting me to the second round of interview.

I asked the Lord, " What now?" I finally took up the job and went into work knowing little and having little expectations. It wasnt an impressive day. My direct boss wasnt around and my colleagues werent the friendliest lot. I thought, " This is depressive" Slowly, things became better and by the second week, I had a job assignment down in Johor. It was flooding at that time but I was in the eastern side of Johor which was not affected.

My first challenge was finding ways to break the ice with my colleagues. They are not my batch but all seasoned engineers and to top that up, they are all men! That was quite a challenge. They were totally above me, above my thoughts. My week in Johor was spent by listening a lot and I actually found enjoyment in that! I was surprised myself.

I had always wanted to do process work. But this company doesnt. My boss made that clear on my first week. I told the Lord, " I know you know better Lord and You have put me here for a reason and I'm eager to discover that reason" I did pray too that I would be able to blend into the group. I did eventually but with other colleagues. And they have been very kind to me. And what's better was, they were willing to teach me so much. One taught me so much bout process and shared with me about his work. Another helped me searched the office looking for some documents I needed and yet many others being friendly to me. Our conversations have been most interesting.

But God certainly knows better. My boss came to me last week and told me I might have the opportunity to do process work after all. I was surprised. God have indeed been good. But good stories are never short of doubts and discouragments and dillemmas. Although I'm in one right now, I trust that it will turn out well and that God is again teaching me new things.

One thing that I learnt, if God meant something for you, it will come easy, provided that you obey. At least mine did. I'm getting more convinced that this is the place that God wants me to be.

And I'm excited to explore more

Finally

2007-01-12T06:52:00.001+08:00

Finally, a blog update. Been so long since I last updated. Finally, an opportunity here in the office. Havent been extremely busy but not free entirely either of which I'm enjoying the privellege of being in this position. Got held back by my senior, thus missing out the opp to go Damansara Kim for lunch. Sigh..anyway, a good thing came out of it. I'm blogging!

I've started work, since last Dec. Been fine here in the office and after being blur and super blur for the past 3 weeks, I'm beginning to get a bigger and better picture of what I was supposed to do. But even if you attempt to ask me what my job scopes and responsibilities are, I might not be able to give you the best of answers. Anyway, I had the opportunity to go down to Johor for a HAZOP meeting which was cool. It was a normal mundane meeting but for some reasons I find so much excitement in it. Haha..And I now finally understand why people say engineering is the field for men. No matter how strong or independent or capable you think you are, it's always not the case in the real world. Talking about being smacked hard right on the face by reality. I'm not the only lady in the office, but I certainly am in the project I'm currently in. Imagine going for meetings with 12 men and being the only lady, it's intimidating. And worse still, going on a job assignment, being the only lady again and into safety meetings with other companies and being the only lady again. The worse was probably, I'm also the youngest, fresh grad, like fresh juice out of the squeezer. Oh no..not even through the blades yet.

My boss always make a remark on how young I am. My bigger boss too. And my colleagues too. They went, "Irene, you are very young" (Oh they cant remember Oyling) Haha...And you walked round the office, smiling and trying to be at your best behaviour and friendly. I grew tired of it very quickly. Haha..

A phone call just came in and I lost my train of thoughts. Erm...oh well, I shall blog again they decide to return to me.

Me and the kids

2006-11-20T08:45:00.000+08:00

Some sort of a new accomplishment. I drove down to Malacca! The furthest I've driven was probably Shah Alam and its surrounding area. I became the unofficial gang leader and drove down a bunch of kids to storm Malacca last Friday. When I told my sister weeks earlier that I intended to go down to Malacca with these kids, her first response was, " Oh, so you're the gang leader?!" Why and which kids, you may ask...They are not kids in the strictest sense but to me, they are, for a couple more years at least till they graduate. Haha..These lovely children that went down with me were Chee How, Pueh Pueh, Yang Yang and Pei Ling. (Now you know why "kids")

Peiling kept telling me to stop looking at her with the motherly look. Perhaps she wanted me to be a friend instead of bossing her around like what her sister did..But then again, soemtimes I cant help it. She probably had a hard time under my srutiny during the whole trip but I had a good time bullying her. She does bring joy and laughter to the group with her innocently dumb remarks on things. But behind that facade, I see some brain cells working and she is actually thinking quite a bit. But still, I cant quite stand her on other occasions! (Haha..sayang)

We went down with Ngee Zheng who kindly offered us a place to stay for the night in his house, I felt really bad though having to drive his sister out of her room for the night. She was nonethelessly very accomodative. Meeting up with his parents was also interesting. It was good to see a close knit family. There was so much love within the family and looking at him, one will understand that his character was very much shaped from the warmth and love shared by this family. He brought us around Malacca, to the all so famous A Famosa and Stathuys. We also went to Jonkers Street for the pasar malam. And oh not forgetting the sumptuous dinner Uncle Tiong brought us to!

Although we had to leave by noon on Saturday, I had a good time being in Malacca and in the company of these brothers and sisters in Christ. It was good getting to them better, observing them and just being in the company. I found out that Yang Yang couldnt take prawns because of allergy, Chee How can remember roads very well but often choose to maintain the cool look in pictures, Ngee Zheng has the same expression in all pictures, Pueh cant sleep with the lights on unless she's super tired and Peiling, always bluntly and blurly blurts out dumb remarks. And oh, Peiling cant differentiate spicy ikan bakar from the non-spicy one. (How could you?!)

All in all, it was a good trip...And given the opportunity, I would go somewhere again with this group of people, eh, Zheng?

Up on the St Paul's hill

Chicken Rice Balls! And oh, while talking to the "lou pan leong", I found out that her daughter is one of my friends from UNIM and whose brother happened to be Ngee Zheng's friend! Talking bout how small the world is.

p/s: See, Cheehow doesnt smile in pictures and Ngee Zheng look the same in pictures and my cheeks are forever red for reasons not known to me as well.

Unfolding a rose bud

2006-11-07T17:55:00.000+08:00

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I
God opens this flower so sweetly,
When in my hands they die

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then How can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust in Him for leading
Each moment of my day
I will look to Him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments
Just as He unfolds the Rose

-Rose Bud Haven-

Almost forgotten

2006-11-07T04:24:00.000+08:00

I had almost forgotten what it was like to laugh out loud and freely. I had dinner with a few close brothers and sisters yesterday night. We accompanied Jason to buy present for a female friend. Ahem...hahaha...Anyway, the dinner started off like normal. We ate and asked each other how we have been lately. Since branching out, we had less opportunities to meet up. All were busy with everyhting they had to do in life and leave not much space and time to meet. Normal topics came up and we just talked about anything that came to our minds. Slowly, more exciting topics came about and before long we were all bursting into laughter. Heads turned and some annoyed faces turned to our directions. More laughters came about when we started telling Suguna about our camping days. The funny happenings, the weird behaviours and the company and the place. Many old but familiar names came up. It was such a pleasure recounting those events. Suguna was getting more and more excited. We told her more about everyone in church, how the boys grew up and became men, how the older sisters were last time. We kept laughing as we reminisced. More juicy and exciting bits came up. In the end, we just couldnt contained ourselves anymore and were just inches above the ground and nearly started rolling over. Time flew past very quickly and soon we were the last few to leave the eatery. Finally, however reluctant we were to part with our stories, we did because it was getting very late.

Dinner again eh?
-Ah Pek, Jason, Suguna and Sayang-

Of waters and mud

2006-11-01T07:26:00.000+08:00

We started off our journey to Congkak in six cars after a group prayer, asking for journey mercies on the way to our destination. Excitement overwhelmed me. Finally, a retreat! I had missed last year's because I was not around. Plus, the last time I had been to Congkak was probably when I was in primary school! Haha..We tailed closely behind Tze's gigantic four wheel drive. More curves came to view. I would usually be green in nausea travelling on these roads but to my relief, the overwhelming excitement supressed the sickness to its minimum level.

Roughly an hour later, we reached Congkak. Wow...greens and the sound of gushing waters! After some waiting and standing around, we finally walked in to our chalet. It was a double storey chalet, wooden and cooling. We proceeded to have lunch before checking in. Soon, the girls were up and about occupying rooms and choosing beds! The boys were nonethelessly, gentlemanly shifting things about and preparing for our first session.

After our first session, we had games. I conveniently pulled Fei to be in the same group despite the different numbers we had gotten. We had fun answering questions and seeing others being punished. Before long, we see Guna being in the lime light-being punished, that is! He actively offered him for each punishment for his group. Hmnn..talking bout the way men act in front of their wives! Haha.... It was a lot of fun watching them and even more relief seeing Robin blending with the group.

More water games followed suit and before dinner, everyone were rushing into the bathrooms to get themselves cleaned. It was encouraging seeing the younger boys taking up responsibilities and preparing dinner. They were up and about helping out. These boys have grown up! haha...

Dinner followed suit and a light discussion on practical christianity came after that. Despite the downpour, Tze have somehow managed to devised a plan to get the fire started. Sausages piled onto the pit to be barbequed. In the end, everyone were well fed and stuffed. To get rid of the extra sausages, a few of us decided to play a game. Losers woould need to eat the extra sausages or get someone else to it. Pei Yee was reluctantly being sucked in into the game. Little did she know the dirty tactic the rest has devised! Haha...Talking bout evil-ness.

After a night walk into virtual, total darkness, we all retired to our rooms and slept. Breakfast was good and we cleaned up before heading home. Overall, it was a very good outing for me. Super relaxing and fellowship with the brothers and sisters was somehow renewed. After being away for a year and far from each other, for the first time, I felt close to these people. Thank you all.

Another good memory for collection.

Waking up and walking

2006-10-26T22:18:00.000+08:00

I need to wake up. I realised that I have been stagnant in this position for long enough. I kept looking back and thought of the wonderful year I had in Notts. I kept looking back and thought of how it was like back in YP and camping days. I kept thinking of the time when I was in school uniform and blushes over conversations about boys. I need to wake up..Life is progressing but I seem to refusing its forward movement.

Recently, I was reading a friend's blog and remember commenting to her to start living properly and not keep looking behind. Returning from the Congkak retreat, I suddenly realised how much I lagged behind, especially in my Christian walk. I do not have much memmories that I can boast about the goodness of my Lord. Where have they all gone to? Why is this so?
It was so timely that the theme for YA for this last quarter of the year is "No Turning Back". I remember answering Jupe that it wasnt that we shldnt or musnt turn back. It was that we simply cant turn back because we have tasted the love of our God. That seem convincing in the eyes of many. I see heads nodding, agreeing to my thoughts. Have I pulled it off just again? But deep down, what was that answer for? I suddenly become fearful. I remember Jupe saying that Satan's best product is imitations. Am I one of his imitations? There may be people being active in church but have not believed. I thought I believed! I thought that day came years ago! But if that is so, where are the fruits of my faith? Do I just belong to the kingdom of heavens because I was one of the professed Christians? But in reality, am I one of the seeds that fell to the throny and bushy areas but do not grow, which means that I am not what I thought I am. Or am I one of the thirty of sixty percent Christian? What am I exactly?

Thoughts that have been filling my mind for the past month have very little to do with my God. I remember calling Tze from Notts and he asked how have I been spiritually? He was excited to see if I have grown. I remmeber Jupe expressing his concern if I have grown during my first YA meeting after returning from Notts. I understood what he meant but I froze in my seat on both occasions. I asked if I have grown. I remember being fearful to meet these brothers because I was not what I had hoped to become. I remember being fearful if I would ever match up to him when he comes in God's timing. I slapped myself to wake up from these dreams. I remember ebing angry with myself and wished I have a physical pointer to measure my growth in Christ. But underneath these worry, was it the eyes of the Lord that I was fearful to meet or the eyes of men around me?

Wake up..I need to.

On a lighter note, the retreat in Congkak went very well despite a not so good start because lunch was too litttle to go round. But things picked up well after that and everyone seem to have had a good time. The waters, the mud and the water balloons...It was quite a success.

Aftermath of graduation

2006-09-03T04:31:00.000+08:00

After graduation, my daily routine has become always predictable. A normal day begins with a good breakfast of either eggs and toast or noodles cooked in Hong Kong style. Some surfing would follow suit before lunch and more surfing in the afternoon with some job hunting in between. On some days, I would help my friend in her shop. However, in months like August, business has dampened a lot and I would do nothing more than sitting behind the cash machine in case anyone comes in and rob. On other days, I would be in Beeston working part time.

On some good days however, I would be out with the folks from Clumberhall. Ruth has been very kind to me. She has brought me to quite a lot of places for sight-seeing as well as granting me time to spend with Matthew. Recently, we went to Newstead Abbey, just outside Wollaton. It's a very nice and quaint park. It belonged to Lord Byron who was one of the wealthy men in Nottingham. Apparently, the park was once his garden. Talking bout outrageous living! His home overlook a huge lake with greens on both side. We spent an afternoon walking round the park with occasional stops at the playgroud for Matthew to play. There were a few peacocks roaming round the park freely, one of which decided to take the cafe as his playground. Mischievious Matthew teased him with crackers and the peacock in return tailed him for more. Matthew was so afraid that he keep running round the table before hiding in one corner, hoping that the peacock would miss him. Thakfully the peacock found his new interest, a lady with even more crackers!

I had a date with Nancy as well, some weeks ago. She brought me to Nottingham Castle and explained some history to me. Now, the statue of Captain Albert Ball which stands in the middle of the garden make more sense to me. Apparently he was the youngest captain ever to be honoured with the Victoria Cross. Died at a young age of 18 during the WW2. He was the captain of the flying squad. We then went into a museum which housed many of the olden days time. The moment we stepped into the museum, Nancy said she felt as if she has returned home. She could relate to most of the items on display in the museum, from the furniture of the bedrooms to utensils used in the kitchen. Her home was bombed during the air raid in the forties. They fled to some underground hidings beneath Nottingham. I was privelleged to step in into one of the underground hiding places. For a moment, I thought I could feel what she was feeling then. Of course, I was no where near.

Ron and Brenda brought me to Chatsworth and Castleton yesterday. Chatsworth was the home of the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire. A small part of the house is open to the public and the family of the Duke still lives there. It was also the house where the filming of Pride and Prejudice took place. The scene where Elizabeth walks in into Darcy's house, into a room full of sculptures was filmed in this house. This house is huge and grand, with each ceiling in every room of the house being delicately painted by famous French painters with oil pasters. The graden surrounding the house was nonetheless huge and oversized! Even the stables that once house the horses are bigger than a row of 5 houses put together. Could you now imagine the size of the house?

We then drove on to Castleton and went into Treak Cliff Cavern. Ron was very kind that despite his own failing health, he insisted of going with me into caves. In order to first reach the cave entrance, we have to climb many many steps. And when we get into the caves, more steps climbing followed suit. It was cold and slippery in the caves. But the climbing was worth it. Treak Cliff is famous for Blue John stones. This particular stone is only found in this cave and no where else in the world. It was initially thought to be coal by miners because of it's dark colours as Derbyshire was famous for its coal mining years ago. The view in the caves was spectacular. The staglatites and mites were beautiful. On the way back, we drove past Matlock Bath, a small town where Brenda used to study. She was training as a teacher in that town. Ron brought me to the assembly that Brenda used to attend during her college days. Matlock is very very hilly. Even Bristol could not beat the steepness of Matlock. Brenda said she used to climb up and down the hills, which seem easy during that time.

How much kinder can the Lord be to me? These folks and their kind hospitality. I want absorb and learn more of their kindness, to bring back to my home church. A drop of water into the vast sea may not turn the tides or cause it to roar, but without these individuals drops of water, the sea will not be a sea.

Best University Year Ever

2006-07-29T08:26:00.000+08:00

Year 2006 is undeniably my best university year ever. I thank the Lord for bringing me here in His beautiful time. I remember feeling disappointed when I was not able to go to Sheffield after my first year. I lamented and grumbled. Looking back, I was foolish. Now, I would not trade this year in Notts with anything.

Although it was difficult to get adjusted in the beginning, it helped greatly when you have friends here with you. I came with a group of friends who transfered together from the Malaysian campus. It was a blast. This one year here, I got to know so many of them better and have indeed found true friends. They have been very kind and accomodative to me, always listening and lending an extra hand. Thank you all. Special thanks to residents of Claude Street, Number 3, Highfield Road Number 28, Windsor St Number 88 and Broadgate Park.

I'm forever grateful for Meira, Robin and Peyying. Living under one roof with you three can be quite a challenge some times but I'm thankful that it wasnt anyone else. I'm sure the Lord brought us together for a reason and I'm very glad that we've had a good year together. Thank you for putting up with my weird mood swings and demanding requests at times. You three have been amazing and the special bond we share, I trust will only continue to grow. Despite some unnecessary rows between us, I hope they'll come to fade and I'm looking forward to keeping in touch even back home. It's really amazing how well we understood each other despite that brief one year here. I've come to learnt that morphing into each other isnt an option, it's a process that happens naturally when we get too close. Haha..

I've also grown to be quite attached to the family that lives down road at Number 9. It's amazing that we all just clicked so well. The chemistry and understanding we had was quite remarkable. Despite some personalities clashes, we grew to become more than friends, more like a family now. The dinners, barbeque, trips and group study we had together was wonderful. I'm really thankful that we found solace and comfort and support from each other. Matt, Mic, Kar Man and Gordon, you were all amazing friends. We left a piece of ourselves in each other. I'm not sure when will we meet again but I trust that that day will come eventually. Any invitation cards, please send to Kajang, Malaysia! I'm looking forward to seeing you all in KL next year, after uncle's graduation!My best year ever.....Thank you Lord.

Graduation

2006-07-29T05:24:00.000+08:00

July 14 marks one of the most important days of my life, to date at least. My graduation day. I graduated from University of Nottingham with a Bachelor (Honours) in Chemical Engineering. How does that sound? Haha...Pride aside.

I dont really know what kind of impact was that special day supposed to impart on me. But I know what it means to my parents and family. To mum and dad, it was probably the day they longed to see for years. I wasnt the first to graduate in the family but I'm sure it brings about different feelings each time when one of us graduate. For me, it spelled hardwork and loads of money to send me here. At that particular moment when my name was called, I went numb for a moment. As I walked (stomped, according to my sister) across the stage to shake hands with the Chancellor, all I had in mind was to walk properly and watched my gown to prevent tripping over and make myself the biggest joke in the ceremony. As I hold the certificate in my hands and read the combinations of letters spilled across the paper, I thought to myself, "Is this it?"

In my seat, I read the certificate again and again, took Yanni's and read hers over and over again. What does this mean? Then suddenly, it finally dawned upon me that all my hardwork for the past three years is spelled in those words, "This is to certify that Oy Ling Look has completed ......with a Second Division, Upper Class"

Overall, it was a good day. I could see that mum and dad were proud of me, I know to a certain extend the sacrifice they made to bring me here. I wished my whole family were here. As I showed Ge the cert, I wished Jie was here too. They have been my role models and I want them to know that. The unspoken support they gave were overwhelming. I have kept the tradition and followed the path. I wanted to show both Ling and Yen that they too can be where we are now. It is definitely achievable. I know the silent pressure they felt to perform and I'm sorry they were succumb to such unnecessary pressure.

One day, I'm going to frame up all our certificates and hang them up in the living room. I know that day will come.

Blessing

2006-07-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

This picture is taken in some abandoned rail station in Peak District. They are some of the friends I made since coming. Ever thankful for each of them.

Streak continues

2006-06-17T06:35:00.000+08:00

The aimless streak continues. It feels weird getting up every morning and not having class to attend. It feels even weirder not having notes to read. All of a sudden, I'm not sure what I was supposed to do. The past week saw me being busy playing in the sunshine and going places. The Saturday right after my disastrous oral exams, we went to Peak District, a hilly area roughly an hour drive away from Nottingham. We went to Castleton, a nice green hilly area. We climbed up the hills and had picnic halfway up the hill. It was the only flat ground we found. It was quite an interesting trip, having to rescue a friend of mine who managed to climb uphill but not downhill! It was so hilarious. We took an underground boat ride into the underground caves. For a moment, I thought I was going to die from being claustrophobic! We continue driving up and down the hills, played frisbee, chased sheep and more driving back to Notts. The next few days, we played captain ball and frisbee near the lake. I have not played captain ball for ages and how I miss those days when we played in YP. Aww....

I have a friend here who's excellent in baking. He taught me to bake tiramisu. It was so delicious! I foresee that more baking will follow suit in the next couple of days. It was really quite a lot of fun baking and eating, though not the fattening part.

Results was released yesterday. God was gracious and blessed me with a 2.1. I am now officially a Chemical Engineering graduate! Wow..how does that sound? I was very pleased with my design project. I got a first for that! It's really amazing, even after that disastrous oral exams. Looking back at how we laboured for it, it was a bitter sweet experience. The hours we spent in the lab, the sleepless nights we had, they are all rewarding experience. To many, a second upper may not be the best. To a certain extend, it wasnt for me too. But this one year being here have taught me something more precious. I would never forget what this dear friend of mine have taught me. Although the results are important, the process that you go through is far more precious. I have to agree with her. She has taught me that the experience that you obtained from working hard is incomparable with the grades that you might get. I love the way she views matter, always so optimistic and objective. Friends like these are rare and they dont come by often. Thank you Lord for her.

Hmnn..I now need a summer job.

Aimless

2006-05-31T05:59:00.000+08:00

There's this Malay song that I used to sing back in YP years ago. " Ada waktunya berkerja, ada waktunya berencana, ada waktu bersenang dan waktu bercanda, Tapi waktu itu singkat dan keabadian itu panjang, waktu sekarang takkan berulang." I've always enjoyed singing the song because it often speaks well of the situation that I am in. Truly, there's time for everything. Time to rest, time to play, time to work and these times will not be repeated. They come and go.
I recently read a post of a friend who has finally decided to transfer campus, leave and continue in another place. It was a difficult decision for her, but having to make that, it was even more dificult to pack up and leave. This reminded me of me, here in Notts. I have grown to love this place dearly, a huge part of it was because of the wonderful folks I met here.

Today marks the last day of my examinations. I have now completed my degree. Phew..How does it feel? Nothing really. I have a friend who said that his life has become so aimless now. What do we do now? Haha...Another friend put it this way, "I'm feeling empty, lonely and cold" How true....Yesterday saw us pushing through whatever we could still remember into our brains and staying up till wee hours to study. And after that 9 o'clock paper today, everything was supposed to come to an end, well, except for the oral exams this friday..anyway, a weird feeling swept through me. What do I do now?

Patience and EQ

2006-05-27T14:27:00.000+08:00

I was told that the longer you know a person, the lower your EQ is towards that person. I didnt give much thought to such deep philosophical philosophy. After all, why do we need to scrutinise friendship to levels like this? Why cant we just be natural?

Recently, however, I saw that truth revealing itself in me. I realise that I am getting short tempered to closer friends and surprisingly more tolerant to new friends. I find myself losing patience quicker. I snapped at them easily and would often seemed as targetting at them. Like a angry lioness ready to pounce at her victims. Why is this happening? No, it is not the effect of any pre or post menstrual syndrome that is often blamed for weird mood swings in any girls. I begin to realise how annoying this can be. A friend told me today that it seemed that I can no longer take crap or lame jokes. I just snapped at her when she said something during dinner.

But I didnt just snap at her. I just thought that if indeed you have done something not right, why cant you just admit it? Why is there a need to beat round the bush and to act cool? I mean, why? Why cant things be simpler? You are right if you are and if you are not, just admit you're wrong. There arent ways to un-wrong soemhting. There might be ways to patch wrong things up but it is still a mistake. It's not that someone else is waiting for you to make mistake and then pounce at you. What is so difficult in admitting you are wrong?! I really dont understand and it irritates me. And it annoys me even more because the table is turned as it was as if that I am the calculative one. Why? It's just some plain dumb situation, for goodness sake!

I thought I had to be more gracious to people around me. There must be a reason why patience is included in the fruit of the Spirit in the Bible. The Lord must have seen this coming. People do tend to lose patience with people closer with them. Should closer friends not know better? Should they not know what closer friends prefer? I thought it's a universally understood understanding! However, if they are, grace and patience would not exist in this world. If the Lord were to employ the same attitude towards me, I would be dead a thousand times. That's the beauty of grace. It allows time for understanding and acceptance. It is patient and not fussy. It is beautiful and that is what that makes it so precious. Our Lord is good indeed.

I just have to learn to practise more patience.......

Wrong, Wronger, Wrongest

2006-05-21T16:58:00.000+08:00

As known, I'm now in the midst of my exams. It hasnt been easy but I'm thankful that He has brought me through the first two papers. I just had one this morning. Though it wasnt good but the peace I had in my heart was overwhelming. Truly, when He bestows peace, it is real peace that you get. The past few days saw me studying till wee hours in the morning, together with friends. Needless to say, group study is highly effective and works perfectly well for me. With this comes opportunities of interaction and bonding with friends. Studying with him was a good experience. I was a leech actively at work. He, needless to say, was 'happily' obliging. No, that's a wrong word to use. He's helpful, to put it blantly.

Exams period is also a period when the true self emerges. Things that one says during frustration is not desirable for playback. I was caught in one of those moments, being highly irritated because my brain cells chose to dry up during that moments and refused to absorb anything that I read. I complained how wrong the situation was. It was as if that everything that happened was a mistake. I doubted loudly if this course is right or if they are just mistakes. I regrettably flashed out these nonsensical statements. I was caught in more tangled spider wed when he commented this. " So, you are saying that being here is a mistake?" I stupidly nodded. " Meaning, God made a mistake by putting you here?" I was caught off guard. "Err.." It suddenly occured to me that I have made a very dumb statement. How could I said that? I wished I had explained further but again, I stupidly flashed him the annoyed look. Oh man, my testimony just gone bad.

I have had conversations regarding these with him prior to this incident. I would really wished that he'll keep what he has heard. He was very unconvinced and I even doubted if he could ever be saved. But today, a dear friend proved to me that God can still work wonders as He did years ago. It was her father. He too came to know the Lord some years ago and have kept the faith. I often thought fathers are probably the most difficult beings in the world that can come soft and listen the gospel. I was so wrong. Her dad changed so much after his conversion. What's more encouraging is that he's always making sure that his daughter remains faithful to the Lord as well. He gives her advises and corrects her whenever she's not doing right before the Lord. How encouraging. There's hope for my father too. I really cannot imagined a day that he changed and get saved. No matter how many times I told myself that GOd is able, I still cant see that coming and I'm not doing anything. If God could bring Pharoah to his knees, what cant God do? I have to keep praying.

Meanwhile, on a more disturbed note, I watched Da Vinci Code just now. It is highly not recommended, not because of the quality but the message it potrayed. I have always loved Tom Hanks but the message of the show is too much for me. It was so jumbled up! The myth and truth of Jesus is all mixed up! I cant believe what I hear. The writer speculated issues of the grail and thwarted the whole Lord's Supper. All was explained from the painting of the Da Vinci's Last Supper. Somehow, there's another remaining descendant from the line of Jesus. Oh man, I couldnt bring myself to write more. Such crap!

The wrecked-up lifestyle

2006-05-08T03:04:00.000+08:00

I'm finally breathing normally again. The past few weeks have been crazy, a huge part was because of my own laziness and procrastination for not doing my design project consistently. The remaining reasons was the project itself. It's such a huge project and it carries so much weightage! I just cant believe how lop-sided the weightage is. It stressed so much on the individual part which revolves just around one freaking equipment! I find it so unbelievable.

Oh anyway..the whole project was handed in on Tuesday and the remaining summary on friday. I'm really finally breathing properly again. I am eating and sleeping properly too. My normal lifestyle is finally resumed.

It has been a good experience. I love the group that I was in. I'm ever thankful for my mates. Despite some minute unpleasant happenings at the end, it was all right. I love working with yanni so much. She's such an incredible friend. Besides being extra intelligent and brainful, she has taught me much. I learnt what generousity is. I learnt what maturity is. I learnt what kindness really is. It reaffirms my coming over here. God indeed is mindful over me. He knew exactly what will happen and He brought me over here for a reason. I often thought, if He has sent me to Sheffield instead, how would it be like? I didnt have to consider that. What's happening here is far too good. I wouldnt trade this experience here for anything else..Anything at all.

Thank you Lord.

Talking about design project. My life was thrown off course for the last two weeks. Everything just went upside down. Tornado came and swept my room, forming swirls of papers around my seat. I had to tip toe in my room. Clothes piled up. My body system was messed up. I didnt have time to eat. I couldnt sleep. I was zombified for the last few days. My brain slowed down. My retardedness surfaced. Meira just couldnt stop teasing me. She just couldnt stand talking to me because she has to repeat everything she says. There came to a point that jokes turns dry because I just couldnt get it. Everything slowed down though somehow I felt that time did hop faster.

Despite all the slowness, something else sped up. I got closer to many of my coursemates. The process which would usually take ages suddenly sped up. Interaction opportunities doubled, tripled. You would, I guess if you spend long period in the lab typing furiously, trying to complete the never-ending work. You share the anxiety, the worries, the grumbles, the unrest, the tiredness, the crankiness..all..Nothing could be traded for these, not with a million dollars..Looking back, it was a period worth going through for. Nothing can beat that.

I would miss these times when I return home. I would miss them. I would probably miss my lack-of-sleep ness and everything else that comes with it. I would miss the walking-back-at-four-am-thing. I would miss the wrecked-up-lifestyle, the wrecked-up appetite, the wrecked-up sleeping hours.

I really would...

Big Bang?!

2006-04-22T13:27:00.000+08:00

A few of us went to see our friends' mock presentation today. They wanted us to sit in and give comments about their presentantion, which we were more than happy to do. After the presentation, as usual, we lingered in the lecture hall. And the topic of our belief came up spontaneously. And those left in the room were believers, except for one. He's one of the few friends I made since coming. A very nice chap nonetheless, ever amiable and extremely helpful.

And often, the idea of big bang came about and since all of us are reading chemical engineering, we tried to be scientific about this. It is highly recommended only if you know both the Bible and science well, which is not in my case. The idea of big bang stresses on how the universe became what it was from that huge explosion years ago. Standing from where I stood, it wasnt possible. It clashes with the second law of thermodynamics. The idea of big bang starts from the idea where all things became so dense that it forms only a point. It was from this point that things burst out. However, the second law of thermodynamics says that things tend to disperse. The idea of entropy comes in. You see, it's apparent in the nature of things around us, even in humans. Imagine this, when you are in a crowded room, you tend to move away from the crowd, you tend to disperse. So, if by the nature of things, if they do not even tend to stick together, how is it possible that all things densed up to become a point? Someone said that the idea of big bang correlates with the Bible. Where is that?

We went on talking about Moses parting the Red Sea and how evidence are now being found in the archeology field of the remains of the chariots under the sea. And Noah's ark came into our topics as well. There's a school of thoughts that chinese words stem from the incidents mentioned in the Bible. The word boat for example. One of us begged to differ. He claimed that chinese characters originates from pictograms in the ancient days. And it's not right to argue from the current characters we have today. He is simply unconvinced, standing his grounds. We all turned silent and thought if it's possible for the same idea to be incorporated in pictograms before going through transformations in character writing.

Our conclusion was soemwhat this; That the idea of big bang and God creating human and the universe are just two different school of beliefs. In fact, as people put it, different religions.
He brought up another point which kept me thinking. He ask if it make a difference if we all pray so much. My inner self was shouting "YES!" But I restrained and thought again. Maybe he's not seeing it because I have not been living rightly. What happened to my living testimony? I had failed terribly.

It was good discussing this and hearing from them their ideas of the beginning of the world, even more from him because he thinks from the scientific view points. He commented that could God be out of control because there is simply just a huge boom of humans on Earth. Could God have expected us to be what we are? Or are we too much to handle by God? God said in His word that His thoughts are higher and they are not ours. How great is that! Truly, how could we ever grasp God's mind? To Him, wisdom of the world is foolishness to Him.

And oh, please correct me if I am wrong.

Summer fling

2006-04-04T14:06:00.000+08:00

A weird conversation took place during dinner today. We were talking about flings and why girls do it. My friend said she would want a summer fling for just two months with no commitment whatsoever and then breaking up at the end of it. It was outrrageous! How can someone have such thoughts? It was even more outrageous coming out from her!

Why do people get hooked up on flings? No guarantees, no commitments and just pure fun for a short period of time. I dont understand such thoughts and desires. Why flings? Why let yourself through such turmoil of emotions without the intention to carry on? What happens after that? She suggested that a clear agreement is made at the beginning before anything begins. Each understands and accepts the conditions that there's no strings attached at the end of the relationship. Then what?

How can someone even think of such ideas? Call me conservative or whatever, I'm just not getting it. Another friend said I should loosen up a little and be open. Open to what? These? I rather be shut in forever! These are such selfish thoughts and lustful. To satisfy yourself and be happy when you have nothing to do and leave the relationship when something else comes up. How?

I'm not getting it.

Revival

2006-04-01T22:36:00.001+08:00

A friend popped this question at me today. "Do you think that this place is spiritually dead?" I was taken aback. I asked for explanation. He related the lack of enthusiasm, passion for the things of the Lord and undignified worship. People do not care going to church and that personal relationship with the Lord seem so distant. Christianity here is just like any other religion and the absence of a personal walk with the Lord is apparent. I wondered why he said that.

You know the incident in the bible where the Lord cursed a fig tree and it died? Jesus said that since it did not bear fruits, it should go. Which brought to mind that if we have a personal walk with the Lord, our lives will show. Our actions and words can tell. Others can see the joy in us even without us telling them. I often forget to reflect. I go on living the way I thought it should be lived. How wrong is thay? Or how correct is that? My housemate told me that I speak like her now and that I'm getting lamer. Haha. Am I? Perhaps. She could see me better than I see myself. It was either a piece of truth from her observation or she was just annoying me.

But I did realise that I speak differently here. The tongue seems to flex easier and with that came a lot of unnecessary words. I sometimes used words that I never use at home. I comment more. I complain more. We gossiped more. Ironically, I read the Bible less. I'm less gracious. My conduct probably praise the Lord less. This isnt right. Where is the "more of Him and less of me?"

Lord, I need help.

My friend went on saying that he wants to see revival. Because of my background, I understand the word revival very little. What does he mean? I pressed for details. He wants to see people being more passionate for Christ. But what happens after the revival? People slump back into their original conditions. I have this idea in mind. Is revival a some sort of climax that you reach where everyone go all out for the Lord? What happens next? Do we then go down the valley of natural conditions? And then what? Another climax?

What if we get ourselves right before the Lord and live lives right? Develop that personal relationship with the Lord. The word worship in its original language means to kiss on the cheeks. This is a very personal greeting. To kiss the Lord on His cheeks would mean having a very personal and ongoing and growing relationship with Him. Just as we make new friends, we move from normal handshake to hugs (Where applicable!) . So, we move from being normal friends to closer ones. It's a very poor analogy but it explains. So..how do we worship the Lord? The Bible recommends this, "In Spirit and in Truth."

In Spirit would mean to have the Holy Spirit living in us, which would bring us to the fact that we have to first believe in Him, accept Him as our Saviour before anything else can begin. Just as we have to know a person before being friends. And from there, the friendship develops.

And to develop a friendship, we have to communicate with them, make time and get to know them. How do we get to know our Lord? The bible. He left that for us so that we can read about Him and getting to know Him. Both are different. I can know about a person and not knowing him. Haha..as weird as this sounds, it's true. I have friends who tell me about their friends. Because of this, I know their existance and about them but not knowing them because we havent met and introduced to each other.

But practically speaking, how do we go about in this? The words in the Bible should be practical enough. We should encourage each other to read the Bible more and growth begins automatically. However, He prepared different paths for each of us. Which make each of our relationship with Him so personal and unique. Which also sadly explains how come we cant understand and help each other out during trials because we are not in each other shoes. But we can uphold each other in prayer. What better support can we give? It would be good to really remember each other in prayers. The Lord and He answers. He may take a longer time but He never shuts His ears.

Loosening up

2006-03-21T18:32:00.000+08:00

"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit."
Ephesians 5:18

I often wondered why was this verse included in the bible because the Spirit dwells in us when we first believed and is the stamp of our deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. In that case, how do we be filled with the Spirit? Is that not already in us? In that case, could this verse mean our living styles? Live as if we have the Spirit in us, which means living holy lives. Lives that are pleasing to our Lord.

I looked up in the dictionary what debauchery means. This is what I found. Webster Dictionary gives this interesting meaning of "debauchery".

-Excessive indulgence of the appetites; especially, excessive indulgence of lust; intemperance; sensuality; habitual lewdness.

I've never seen a drunkard before. I often wondered what goes through his mind. Is he conscious? Does he realised what he's doing? I wouldnt want to try it myself. It'll be Hell let loose. But during the Lady Trent Ball, a friend of mine gave me this opportunity to witness a drunkard so graciously. I didnt know what made him drink so much or so quickly. Just right after meals, he was already floaty. He somehow kept clinging on the wall for support and start mumbling to himself. I thought he was just upset. Soon, he was on the floor doing back flips which he failed and fell heavily on the floor. Fortunately it was carpetted.

We got worried and wanted to get him home. Oh man, it was so difficult to get him to sit still. He was all over the place. He began mumbling. He was fortunate enough to have a large group of guys surrounding him and holding him in case he rushes out to the road and get killed! He began telling secrets of the universe and giving warnings that the moon is coming. The guys were kind enough to entertain him. It was so difficult to get him to sleep because he kept vomitting. Cabs came by him and wouldnt take him in case if he vomits in the car.

As I watched him fumbling and mumbling about that night, I see a very different person. I thought I saw the child in him. He was less protective and was more open up. The only regret I had that night was why didnt I ask for his pin number? He would have given me willingly, I'm sure! I see a friend loosening up. No worries on his face, he was all vulnerable. Perhaps that is why the Bible reminded us to be filled with the Spirit and not wine. He had bits of memories here and there about that night. He remembered blue shades and a red toy car. The child in him emerged that night when he saw a red toy car. He refused to let that go and hung on to it till he fell asleep.

I wondered what would have happened if it was a girl who got tipsy and drunk. A person becomes very vulnerable when she is drunk. What would she do? That was probably why girls should never go drinking by themselves. Anything could happen. Such is the power of alcohol.

Make ups and what nots

2006-03-20T05:34:00.000+08:00

When God created us, He made us in his image. We were prefect and untainted with sin..well, at least until Adam sinned. It's interesting to note that He didnt make us with make ups. (Like duh..!) In that case, why oh why do girls bother to go through so much hassle with make ups and what nots on their faces and hair?! It really baffles me. I do not need reminding that I'm not made a male but still, if God actually thinks that we are beautiful with make ups, He would obviously made us with them, wouldnt He?

With such opening, it's obvious why. There's a Lady Trent Ball coming up this Saturday for all Chemical Engineering Student in a hotel in city. As of today, everyone was pretty geared up for the event. The amount of time we spent walking around city in search of a suitable dress and shawl was too embarassing to tell. It's simply ridiculous. And we obviously envy the guys who need not go through as much hassle as the ladies. All they really need was just a suit or a tux, and then matched with a bow tie or just tie. How difficult can that be? A little too biased perhaps....

The hair setting, make ups, shoes, dresses, shawls...oh man, I could easily collapse under the heaps of worries for these. All for that three-hours-perhaps of dinner..Oh yeah, not forgetting the days where you starve yourself and cross your finger hoping that that bump on your stomach would keep a low profile if not disappearing all together. The hair plucking and make up trials to see which colour of eye shadow suits your dress, the foundation colours, the what nots and all others...All these preparations lead to a climax of appearing in front of other coursemates in the galore of dresses and accesories you have to assesorize yourself. The amount of time and money spent of these is simply ridiculous. I heartfully believe that if those amount of time is spent instead on my design project, I would really be more progressive and productive!

Now, how worthwhile is that? Which brought to mind the temporal nature of so many things on earth. Why are we so concerned for such temporal and superficial matters? To blend in, perhaps. You wouldnt want to stick out like a sore thumb in the dinner, you want to be presentable, you want to blend in..Looking at this matter from a different perspective. Being a follower of Him is the same. When everyone blends in with everyone, they believe what the world believes. They dont want to be different because by being dfferent, they would stick out like a sore thumb in the crowd. But, by blending in, they are losing out in the highly divine privellege that is only offered by our Lord.

The gift of salvation! The bible clearly states that in this, there is no Jews or Gentiles, circumcised or uncircumcised, all is the same in His eyes. Everyone's entitled to this gift. The price that comes with it is a different matter all together, but would definitely be worth paying for!

But the ball did go very well. I had a spectacular time there, enjoying every moment of it, from the time we got into the cab and heads to the venue to the random-pulling of people for photo shots, the dinner wasnt all that great but the dance that came after was enjoyable. I see some rigid classmates loosening up on the dance floor though drinking was another option with the same effects. It was hilarious but enjoyable seeing everyone dancing. Before long, everyone was on the dance floor and showing off what they've got, even yours truly who hasnt got any! But all in all, the private function went really well.

Bottoms up, everyone!

Royal Ascot

2006-03-07T21:46:00.000+08:00

I was in Ascot, Berkshire last weekend. I took part in HOST and a lovely family, the Hosegood invited me over for a weekend in their home. I knew little about Ascot except that it home the famous horse racing tracks and that's where the Queen goes occasionally for royal horse racing. The first signboard that greeted me when I reached Ascot train station is "Royal Ascot". Now, how royal can it be?

That greeting was a tip at the iceberg of how posh and royal Ascot really is. I soon reached the Hosegood's residence. It was a lovely bungalow with huge space around it. The house, needless to say, is humongous. I was getting excited and imagined how wonderful the weekend was going to be. That kind family that invited me over was a small family, consisted of Neville and Ceppy and three lovely children, Theo John, Esther Elizabeth and Lydia Charlotte.

The kids were very well-mannered, friendly with strangers and fun to be with. I had a good time mingling among them. What struck me was the way how conversation was carried out in the house. English people are really a very well mannered lot. It was just the way they were brought up. They treated me like one of their own and living like the English was quite an experience although it was only for a weekend.They brought me out to Winchester, the former capital of England and Windsor. I had a good look around Eton too.

The only thing I knew about the Hosegood prior to my arrival was that they are Christians. I was nonetheless excited and was really looking forward to a English-Christian-family lifestyle. How different it turned out to be. They attend the Anglican church, the church of England. If you learn your history well, you'll remember the bits on bishops and parish. I knew very little on this. I was thrown off course initially because of my lask of understanding on the organisation and roles of bishops on each parish and the whole complicated matter that comes in the package with it. Apparently, their stands were very different from what I hold on to. Not the bits on the life and death and resurraction of Christ. That we believe and are convinced that He indeed died and rose for us. It was the part of women leadership and headship. (I knew the countless times I discussed this with my fellow brethren in church and school!) And yes, we went right into that just hours after arriving. It was a session of sharing and comparing views. We both showed verses from the Bible from which our stands stand. It was a lively session of discussion. The conclusion was rather an anti-climax one. We agreed that as long as our core belief is in the Lord, everything else may not weigh that heavily. Although I beg to differ, but I did not press on. Ceppy stressed on the part of suppression of women roles in church. That very thought had once crossed my mind too years ago. But I am very convinced that both man and woman are created differently with distinct functions. Just as the the church is made up of many parts, not one part can function well without the other. Therefore, the roles of women are equally important although different and in silence.

I wasnt sure if I brought that point across clearly but perhaps there was really a reason that I was invited by this family. This arrangement was not coincidental, I' m sure. It was probably for me to see the other group of believers. I suppose, I came back with a better understanding of how a country is divided into parishes and that each parish is headed by a bishop and a whole hierarchy of positions. Apart from this seemingly organised order, there is a whole lot of complications, especially when bishops stand in between God and you.

But oh well....I'm sure answers will come one day....

Empowered by God

2006-03-01T19:29:00.000+08:00

The sad, traumatic incident I wrote in my last entry was probably not as horrifying as I first imagined. Last week in church, Mr Reed posted an email written by Fiona, the poor young lady who was raped by the ruthless men in Gambia. In her letter, she wrote of both her and baby Elizabeth's current condition. They are doing fine. Elizabeth was born 2 months prematurely but despite complications, she is coping well. Enclosed in the letter was a picture of Fiona with Elizabeth in her arms. The tone of the letter was amazingly serene. There was not an anguish or avenging tone in that letter. I'm amzed at the peace that surrounds Fiona. Truly, the peace of the Lord transcends all understanding. I know not how it happens but Fiona is an excellent example that it is truly possible and NOTHING is impossible with our Lord. Fiona's husband, Dave is returning to Gambia next week and Fiona intends to go back to the mission field soon too.

I know not how Dave is coping with the pain but the power of the Lord is more persuasive than any individual's grudge. My prayer is that both Dave and Fiona might have the strength to complete the unfinished work they set out to do in Gambia and I pray for little Elizabeth to grow up healthily and strongly as she comes to know our Lord as her personal Saviour.

I'm wondering how would Fiona explain if Elizabeth would ever ask. I couldnt even imagine the complications that might ensue. Perhaps there would come a day when the answers to all these questions are no longer needed or important.

Blessing in Disguise

2006-02-24T01:23:00.000+08:00

Last week at church, while giving out the announcements for the week, Ron reported briefly of the missinary work carried out in Africa. He told of this couple who faced much prosecution in the land that they were serving. When he mentioned prosecution, all I thought was probably just ignorance or turning on a deaf ear. But there was more to that, much to my own ignorance and shallow understanding of the word prosecution.

The wife was gang raped by five men from which one resulted in pregnancy. Her husband was beaten up mercilessly by these ruthless men. I froze in my seat when I heard that. It has just never crosssed my mind that it would be this dangerous. I get very emotional when I heard news of rapes, irregardless of whoever it concerns. That is violation, not only to the poor young lady's rights but also to her body which is not reserved for such animals. Then it brought to mind of why have the Lord allowed this? The poor young couple are traumatized. She has recently given birth and had complications. She is now recuperating in hospital.

I could not possibly imagined the turbulent emotions that the young wife is going through. What would she be thinking? If it was me, I would wonder if my decision of preaching in this foreign land was of God's will in the first place? If it was, why has He allowed this? I could probably endured other physical obstacles but rape?! Taking aside the physical torment, the emotional torment is even more unbearable. They have decided to raise the child. That is good news to the child. She would come to know the Lord, she would know of His saving grace because of her parents. That is wonderful news for this little child. Would I go through all that, all for the sake of this child, all for the joy of seeing this young foreign child being saved?

It brought to mind the merciless killings of the five missionary men in the African jungle. The Auca men who killed Jim Elliot and his friends are now open to the gospel, all because of that merciless killing 50 years ago. Back then, the news shocked the world too. People wondered why have the Lord allowed the killing? But now, as we look back, we would be thnakful because He has allowed the killing. If not for that, the Aucas would not have come to know the Lord. So, perhaps, this incident is really a blessing in disguise for the poeple in the land at which they served.

Keeping them in prayers. May the Lord bless them even more as they continue to labour for Him in this foreign land.

Be at rest

2006-01-10T11:52:00.000+08:00

I was at Mrs Hilda Reed's funeral today. The mood was understandably sombre and sad. The coffin was pushed in by undertakers and accompanied by Mr Reed and his family. I saw Mr Reed's hand on the side handle bar of the coffin. His eyes has been puffily red for the past weeks. He was very down and seemed even weaker today. His grown up daughters and grandchildren accompanied him.

Unfornately for me, I did not have the opportunity to know Mrs Reed. She was already in the nursing home when I came to Clumberhall. But from the testimonies shared about her, it was clear that she was well loved by the poeple who crossed her path. She was a very kind and hospitable lady. Grace told me that I would have been invited to their homes if not for her sickness. It was really sad that she was stricken by illness and was in that state of unwellness for at least a year. According to Ron, both Jack and her had served the Lord faithfully in the young people's work. Many, many young people have benefitted from their service. Both Jack and her taught in the youth work and were also passionately involved in missionary work.

Halfway through the service, Jack's granddaughter, Helen read out her granny's favourite psalm. It was Psalm 121.

I lift up my eyes to the hill,
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip
He who watches over you will not slumber
Indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep
The Lord watches over you
The Lord is your shade at your right hand
The sun will not harm you by day
nor the moon by night
The Lord will keep you from all harm
He will watch over your life
The Lord will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forever more

Indeed, our help comes from the Lord and He will not slumber but keep watch over us. We look up to Him for help but we often forget that He too look down from heaven and watches over us. Such is the relationship with the Lord. For the past few days, I've been praying for that silent assurance that the Lord still cares for me. I have my answer today. Psalm 121. My re-assurance that I'm in good hands came in a loud shout out when Helen read the psalm. Thank you Lord.

Look around you and be distressed
Look inside you and be depressed
Look at Jesus and be at rest

I am very certain that Hilda is with our Lord now and is resting in peace.

Ever, Only, All for Thee

2006-01-05T10:13:00.000+08:00

Was revising when Media Player played this song. I stopped what I was doing instantly and for soem reasons took time and listened to the lyrics. Truly, if it's possible, take my life Lord and let it be consecrated to Thee. I really wonder what it means. Looking into the Bible, babies born in the older times, when they reached the age of 8 days old, parents would bring their child to the temple to fulfill some rituals. Take Samuel for example, he was taken to the temple not long after he was born to be consecrated to the Lord. He remained in the temple and served the Lord alongside with priests like Eli. Consecrated, a life wholly lived for Him. How is that accomplished? Take every part of my life and may it be of full use to the Lord. But how? I felt like a hypocrite as I write this because of my disbelief. But truly Lord...how? I often hear people talk bout letting the Lord take control of our lives..teach me Lord. Make me humble enough to listen Lord...

Take my life and let it be,
Consecrated, Lord to Thee
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love

Take my feet, and let it be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
Take my voice and let me sing
always, only, for my King

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee
Take my intellect and use
Every power as Thou shalt choose

Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise

Take my will and make it Thine
It shall no longer be mine
Take my heart, it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet, its treasure store
Take myself, and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Take my silver and my gold..not a mite would I withhold..A lesson for all of us. How often we keep for our use and not giving it to Him..especially in today's world. Everyone works so hard just to earn more to keep more, all for the sake of financial security. But is there really such security in money? The bible says money as the root of all evil. But we need money to survive in this world. Such contrary..Take my will and let it be Thine. Shouldnt it be the other way round? Taking the Lord's will as ours..another easier said than done.

Oh Lord..how Lord? I need that assurance Lord....

Just me and my Lord

2006-01-01T13:23:00.000+08:00

I remember when I first started this blog, it was to serve as a reminder to myself to stay quiet before Him. And today, after starting it for a good half a year, I'm wondering if it has served its purpose. Perhaps it has. As I read the entries back, I'm seeing truly how good and gracious has the Lord been to me. From the times of internship to today, being all alone here in the comfort of my own room in Nottingham, I'm forever thankful to Him that knoweth all and giveth what is good.

All of my friends have gone to the city to welcome the new year. I didnt want to join them because I wanted some quiet time. Some could not undertstand why would I want to be alone here when everyone else is in town. I wouldnt blame them. Here am I sitting here, in front of the screen, reflecting the year. Images of happenings this year flashed through my mind. The year started off in a rather undesirable manner, having to study for exams which came after the Christmas break. And zoom...off I went into the year filled with much new adaptations in UNIM. It was all anew for me, from making new friends to settling in and studying. Time went passed me quickly and soon I have a new group of friends and things in university went on pretty well. Then came the long deisred 3 months break of summer holidays. I landed myself with an internship with Trident, earning my first income, which was soon used up for the Redang trip. I had a credit in my own account even before my first paycheck was cashed in! Haha...

It wasnt a period of rest as I had hoped for, but rather a time of tasting the working life. I had learnt so much during this period, working under Clara ( my lovely supervisor!). Then as the second month come knocking at my door, I suddenly realised how routine has everything become. I was not only bored, I became boring myself! I felt so cut off from my circle of companions. I hardly see my family because I come back late from work and I became so tired that I just knocked out on most nights! This was usually the period where I get to meet up with my friends who were also very busy at other times of the year. But I didnt get to do much of that this year. Stress became more intense when I had to prepare to come over. So much to do and pack. I only started packing on the last week before I left, which is highly not recommended unless you can take extreme stress.

Then came the day that I was to leave for England. It was a highly emotional day. Free flow of tears, anyone? I find it so difficult to hug my parents and siblings. It was so difficult to break away. Oh man, the journey to England was rather a quiet one. Was excited but that excitement was coupled with so much uncertainties and unneecessary worry (Now that I look back!). A new semester here at Notts began and soon came the lab reports and assignments which caught me offguard completely. I was having so much difficulties coping that I just wanna give up. That period of stress was so intense that pushed me to such limits that only He could provide the solace and comfort. I'm thankful that that period has finally come to past. I really am.

So, looking back, what have I gained and lost?

Weight is one! Haha..Nah, seriously, I come to realise and appreciate my family and friends better. I look forward to calling them and hearing their voices. I look forward to web sessions, where I could hear the excitement in my father's voice on how I'm getting along here and how voice transfers over the internet! He picked up pretty quickly too. Soon, he became more tech savvy than I am, buying webcams and digital cameras! Haha...I had the priceless privellege of being at the Lord's table with the folks here in Clumberhall on every Sunday morning. The privellege of being the youngest and receiving so much love from them. Oh man, how I love them! I have gained new friends from different parts of the world. Hongkies, Chinese , just to name a few. I cant believe how nice and helpful they can be despite the fact we came in in third year.

Things that I've lost? Hmnn...I cant quite think of any. My gains have definitely outweighed the lost. Thank you Lord for that. As for my relationship with my dear Lord, I think I have come to love Him more. He's more real in my life now and I look forward to knowing Him more. That shall begin tonight, here in my room, just me and my Lord.

Information Centre Point

2005-12-01T10:33:00.000+08:00

Imagine this. You're in England and your friends are scattered all around the world. Some back home, some in Melbourne and New Zealand and Singapore. Each of them tells you stories on how they have been. How the Lord has been gracious to them. Some surprised you with news of their attachment with someone while others update you constantly with their gushes and crushes.

And there, here am I in England, the centrepoint where information is being exchanged. It's like being at a information counter with headphones and microphones on. Tit tit..a call is coming in. It's from down under.

A dear friend from Melbourne shared her her bit of story with me. I'm taking it as an attachment though she claims that they are not official yet. But her story is amazing. Her special friend is from Norway. Both were studying in the same uni although they are in different courses. But somehow their paths crossed and as they get to know each other better, it was clear that it was God's leading. She went through an agonizing period of waiting and was even more uncertain when he left for home upon completing his course. I could not imagine how she would have felt. The distance must have terrorised her. Future would seem bleak. The light at the end of the tunnel would seem diminishing. But God remain gracious. The light remained dim but not out. Recently, she broke a happy news to me that he's coming back to Melbourne for a semester. I smiled when she told me that. God is truly leading

Another call is in queue. This time, it's from back home. This sister's story is even more amazing. I find it hard to believe. They met during a bible conference some years back. He was from the Netherlands. After the conference, they corresponded through emails for two years. Feelings grew but not without confusion. The second time they met again was during a bible camp in Johor. I was there but didnt notice a thing. She too went through a period of waiting and more praying followed suit. She recently related the story to me and all I could say was, "Wow!" I was amazed at how the Lord can being two persons from different backgrounds, culture together. He has proven to me yet again that all things are possible. They recently got attached after confirming with God and each other. I'm really really happy for her. And this dear sister told me soemthing that struck me. She said that sisters should wait in silence. Even all those buds unfolding sessions in church, this was fresh to me. She quoted Ruth 3:18. Although we went through the book of Ruth in church, I didnt realise the connection till she brought it up. In Ruth, Ruth waited at the feet of Boaz during the night and saith not a word to wake Boaz up. She waited in silence. And Boaz, being the gentleman he was, kept his promise and married Ruth in the end.

In today's world, we see the opposite of matters. People not only rush into relationships and ended up being heart-broken, but marred the lines tremendously. I wonder how it was centuries back when guys are more gentle and ladies quieter. It must be interesting to live in those times!

Tit tit..another call from home from a dear sister who relates to me her bit on praying. Nothing is concrete now yet. She's in confusion. But I wish her well. I'm not sure if he was meant for her but now during her waiting and praying period, I really wish her well. I hope it turns out good. But above all, I hope that through this experience of praying, she is drawn closer to our dear Lord. In both earlier instances, they prayed not to be together but to seek His will. That made the difference I suppose. I soemhow felt that we live in a box. God put pathways, hills and valleys in it. He knew where we would end up in the end. But He allowed us to walk our own ways. We will be on the right track if we follow instructions and obey Him. However, whenever we stray or decided to be smart, we more often ended on the wrong road than not. But even so, he gently guided us back to our supposed pathways. How amazing! A friend said that God take His own sweet time and direct us. Truly, a day to Him is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day! But we are assured that He will make sure that His will for us is fulfilled and not return void. Amen to that.

So at the end of the conversations, I guess life is about callings. But callings alone is not good enough. Someone has gottta pick that call up and answer it and do what the Caller says. In this case, I'm supposed to pick up calls and answer them the way the Caller wants it to be. I'm sure I hear some ringing tones soemwhere. Am I picking them up? Pick up..

Knocking from above

2005-11-15T18:30:00.000+08:00

Why do you need something to be gone before you learn to appreciate it? I was in a friend's house recently. He is musically inclined, plays the piano (keyboard now that he's here because buying a piano here would cost him an arm and a leg) and guitar. I didnt know that he could play these instrument so well until that visit. I was in the room and he played the keyboard. It was just some simple cords but the moment the sound of keyboard filled the air, I was immediately transported to back to the once so familiar period of singing with my fellow friends in church. How I miss those moments! It didnt take me long to think back of the times we had in camps, singing through the night with her playing the keyboard and guitar. It has been a long time since those beautiful hymns and songs were sung. Those periods of us practising harmonising in preparation for the presentation for Watch-Night service, the casual moments of us surrounding the piano and just sings, the unforgettable moments in camps where she plucked the strings of the guitar and us singing songs of praise of all kinds.

He then played some jazz songs. As I watched his fingers running across the keyboard, I cant help but marvelled at his ability and yet at the same, ashamed of my own short-comings of not being able to play any musical instruments at all. He must have realised my thoughts. He then told me of a testimony he heard and reminded me of the beautiful truth where different people are gifted differently. Some play musical intruments and some don't. Some can do certain things better than other. But in all these, it displays not the weakness of an individual but rather the individuality of gifts in its diversity. Certain people are better in some things that others are not. This was what I really needed to hear.

Since attending Clumberhall, this matter has been at the back of my head. They really lack some people who can help out in playing the piano for the family service. Grace hasnt been playing for a long time and she is trying to pick it up again slowly. I wished I could play each time I see her play. I'm not underestimating her by any means. I just wished I could help her out. I wish I know how to play the guitar so that I could sing to Him when I'm here. I wished I could discern notes better. But I thank the Lord for showing me some otherwise truths.

He moved on to playing the electric guitar. We sang some Christian songs together. Oh man, it has really been a long long time since I hear and sing these songs. Thank you Lord for the short but pleasant moment of fellowship.

Grace spelled and expounded

2005-10-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

I was in Grace's house today for lunch after the breaking of bread service in Clumberhall. Gace has always treated me very warmly and I'm very comfortable around her. Unlike some others whom I'm still feeling stiff around, looking for topics to talk about. But with Grace, it was different. She was just gracious. We took the tram to her house which is just 10 minutes away from the city centre.

She cooked while I hang around in her kitchen, exploring her things. Very rude of me but I was really curious on an English home's settings. The amount of cutlery and plates and cooking utensils they have simply amaze me. Back home, I would had have them disposed!
She made some delicious chicken with cauliflower and carrots and potatoes, covered with think brown gravy..simply delicious! Like in Ada's house, we sat at the table and talked. She told me bout people in Clumberhall. It was like a brief introduction to the believers in clumberhall. I found out today who was married , who wasnt and who's widowed. It was amazing that some chose to remain singles and serve the Lord so faithfully. Where do they get the strength from? And if only I could take a picture of the believers in Clumberhall, you would understand my enthusiasm. They are all three scores and above. Some are in their eighties! I don't reckon I would still have the strength to walk out, take bus and come to church when I'm eighty! I would probably be in a wheel chair and need to be look after by someone else! Simply amazing. Suddenly, I begin to see their love for Christ and how He has blessed them so richly. What a privellege to still be able to gather with peers at that old ripe age and break bread together on every Sunday. Truly..what a privellege...

Grace then told me about her family, her parents and brothers. Her parents are both missionaries from England who went to Brazil to start a church. Forgive me for not remembering the name of the place where the church was first planted, it was too foreign for me to remember. She herself was born in Brazil. She made a scrapbook of the life of her mother. Grace's mother was born in 1899. She recounted bit by bit from the time when her mother was born, into her teenage years and eventually marriage days before having Grace and her 2 brothers. As we flipped through the album together, I was amazed. It was simply overwhelming..the stories of her parents, their work and their lives as a family. There was so much love in this family. And oh, Grace was a dashing young woman in those pictures. It was a pity that she was never married ( I think so as she did not mention anything bout having a husband). And oh her younger brother was a fine young man too. He passed away just last year because of cancer. After the photo session, I understood why she has so much to say about her younger brother. He was such a gem...and all were fond of him. And of course, both Grace and him were very close. It was a pity that he has passed on. He was 64.

In Clumberhall, all are very old. As Grace shared with me, the thing that struck me was how times has changed. Back then, Christians were much more responsible and their love to the lord permeates the air. Christian parents teach their children so well that they too continued on in their faith even until old age. There are so much warmth and love and people really love the Lord. Looking now, what has it become? Why has "christianity" become such a taboo subject? Why is it so difficult to talk to one another about the Lord? Why is it that we can talk to each other bout any other things so spontaneously and naturally but become stiff when it comes to the Lord? It became apparent to me that the world has evolved and changed to such a way that it moulds everyone to be someone that they are not supposed to be. It's really a pity..

What can I absorb from Grace and Ada and others in Clumberhall to bring back to my home? I'm determined to learn as much from them as not go back empty handed.

Oh Lord..help me..

Riches of His Blessings

2005-10-08T04:49:00.000+08:00

I had always wondered what the blessings of God really mean. People always tell me that God blesses us spiritually and materially. I don't understand the extend of his out pouring love until recently. Sometimes it's really good to step out from your comfort zone and see how the Lord works. Back home, being very sheltered as I am, I was short-sighted in seeing these things. I mean, I was blessed with a good family- wonderful supportive parents and sisters(though they get on your nerve sometimes, but they are really precious jewels that cannot be replaced), marvellous bunch of friends and a nice home...I didnt realise how comfortable I was till I left home to further my studies in Nottingham.

Now, I wished I could still enjoy the convenience I had at home. I walked to everywhere now..to town to get groceries, to attend classes, wash after myself. I'm on my own now. No more rides from Mum, no more leaving the dishes knowing that someone else will clean them, no more Mum ironing my clothes..no more such convenience. I learnt to appreciate them better now. I didn't realise how well my parents taught me on how important cleanliness is and certain principles that seem petty to some until now to an extend that I become fussy when things are not as tidy as at home. Haha..talking about being so strongly in-rooted.

Now being away, I see things that I don't see back home. I now understand how hard earned money is. When you just have this certain amount to spend on, you'll think before putting certain things into your trolley in the supermarket. The conversion rate obviously makes buying even harder. But perhaps, focus seem to shift to other things here. I was blessed to have been introduced to an assembly in city where hospitality hangs on their neck. Horrible description, but yeah..

People here have been very kind to me. I spent a whole afternoon in Ada's house. She attends service in Clumberhall too. She made me meals, gave me her homemade jam which tasted very nice. Above all, she showed me kindness that I had never expected. Imagine being away from home and here there're people who showed so much love and warmth. I am very thankful. Also another family, the Osbornes, whom I was in contact with before I came over. They were very nice too. They have an adorable son, Matthew who till now still talking about the embarassing incident on leaving me in the toilet when the fire alarm went off in McDonalds! Both Neil and Ruth Osbornes made sure I'm all right here and invited me over to their house for an evening. Such warm people...

Even my friends here are nice. We stayed together and each help support each other..Utter blessedness...I'm truly thankful..

A whole new beginning

2005-10-01T14:12:00.000+08:00

I couldnt find a suitable word to describe my going-ons for the past one month. It has been exciting, scary, unperdictable and emotional, all lumped together forming a complicated concoction of indescrible feelings. The 13 hours journey wasn't as bad as I had initially thought. I spent my time watching movies in the plane, besides gulping down meals served. Oh yeah, I had red wine too. That was to keep me warm and to help me to sleep. But still, the excitement was over-whelming. I found myself staying awake throughout the whole journey.

I was on my way to a whole new beginning in a foreign land. A land that I had always wanted to go. A period of being away from home that I thought I would like. The door to this new adventure was at my feet. I couldn't wait to start anew. Perhaps I was escaping what I was going through in my beloved hometown. Or perhaps, I had just wanted to start afresh. Why did I insist? I do not know it myself. I'm here to see, explore and try.

Finally, on September 14, I stepped out to this new land which will be my home for the coming year. A land by the name of England. I'm here finally. I couldn't help but gave thanks for His wonderful provision. He has brought me here safely. The first week saw me travelling from London to Nottingham and Stoke-On-Trent. Beautiful country. Green and pleasant. It took quite a while for this thought to sink in. I'm here finally. Excitement kept me afloat for the first week. I had much sight seeing to do. Met and made some friends. The Lord has been gracious. I was very well taken care of. Well fed and kept safe. How thankful I was....

International and freshers' week flew past me. I have now moved in into a new abode that will be my home for the next one year. A small house with 4 rooms. Classes will commence soon. I'm beginning to settle in. I began to miss home, my family, all my friends from church and school. I did not realise how much I actually miss them until last week when I was walking home from uni and tears started to well in my eyes for no apparent reasons. I hasten my walk home and quickly commit these feelings to the Lord. The same thing happen during my first breaking of bread service in Clumberhall Evangelical Church last Sunday. How I wished that everyone's here with me. I could hardly concentrate in service. And I miss everyone dearly. All... I had always thought that I'm independent enough to stand on my two feet even in a foreign land but I was proven wrong.

There are many things to get adjusted to. The unpredictable weather especially, not to mention the thick accent of some locals. But these will also come to past. Right now..I'm looking forward to the break of dawn of a new day. A whole new beinning for me....

Reserved

2005-09-12T16:45:00.000+08:00

There are names that are only reserved for certain people. Certain names are "in-claimable". For example, my first name ends with a "ling". Only my closest friends can call me that without me having chill down my spine. It's not that I'm fiercely protective on who can call me that name but rather only these few can call me that without me having extra thoughts! Recently, one of my classmate started calling me that. I had chills down my spine. I suddenly felt cool..It the same feeling where you've seen something you shouldn't have seen or heard something so rarely spoken in public. A friend puts it aptly, "Public Display of Affection". Forget about the crush I had on him, he has crossed the line. Haha...It brought me to realise one thing. If guys are more sensitively responsive to touch, then girls are equally sensitive to words! See how greatly we are created? This should also remind all guys who read this, be more sensible in words when talking, especially to girls! Haha..Also to the girls, keep an arm's length apart. No matter how unnecessary you think these rules are, it's always good to learn to draw your lines and boundaries. Certain things are best to be reserved for only your special partner..Keep it that way. But the again, each person draws their own lines and none should question why it's drawn that way. I know I claimed not to be an avid fan of Elisabeth Elliot's writings on "purity, crushes" matters, but these are the few things that has as if been implanted on me..Taught rather..

Our Package

2005-09-08T04:35:00.000+08:00

Ever noticed how your body works? Stretch your arm, move your fingers..noticed that delicate smooth movement of your fingers? Noticed how your fist clutches into a ball when you get angry? Above all, notice how your body movement work perfectly alongside with the signals sent by your brain cells? I marvel at His delicate creation. He's such a detailed Creator...If these visible, tangible functions marvel you, how about those unseen ones? Your protein strains that form DNA, your identity..Coagulation of strains that form bigger masses of cells that forms you as the final product. Ever wondered what you were made of inside?

I remember the movie "Robots" that I watched months ago. In that animated movie, these robots are made of parts assembled together. As they grow older, their parts have to be replaced by bigger pieces. New parts were presented to them as presents as they grow older. Like longer legs or bigger head. Things get even more interesting as they grow older. They tend to rust because they were made of metal. Unless they are rich enough to buy new original parts, they will just substitute them second hand-me downs. This option is better than to be laid waste and eventually be made into scrap metal.

Imagine you and me rusting as we age. How is that? We have to order our parts every now and then to replace them. Wow..I can't picture myself in that. I'm glad that we didn't have to. Our parts were made so perfectly, personally, exclusively for ourselves. There will be no second hand-me-downs or replacement parts. We were perfect since the day we were made, except that we were tainted by sin through Adam. But nonetheless, we will be prefectified some day.

However, if we really do need to have our parts replaced every now and then, which part would you replace? Hmnn..for me, I wished I could replace my heart with a brand new one. A bigger heart that would have place for more people and things. A squarer heart? Nah..that would me a square person. A rounder one, perhaps? Haha..Am I not round enough? Maybe an irregularly shaped heart with bigger surface area. One that has bends and dents to house small minte things..larger platonic surface for important matters. And finally caged and guarded in a strong rib cage for protection. Sacredly and fiercely protected.

I would probably have my legs replaced with longer ones. Then I would be taller to the expereince the feelings of being on higher ground than others. Something which I would never had the chance to taste. (Well, except I'm on heels but that wouldnt give me the grounded feelings) I would want to replace my brains too. I wish I had a simpler thinking mechanism. Not that I'm very smart now, but I wished I can look at the world with simpler view. I don't have to worry about thinking too much if that person has evil intention when he's being nice. I don't have to be on guard all the time. I can walk on the walkways without clutching my handbag tightly to my side. I can just cross the road on the zebra crossing with assurance that the speeding car will obey the red lights and stop. How nice, yeah? I wished everyone would think simple.

Simplicity..if only

Internship at Trident

2005-08-29T12:25:00.000+08:00

"Doors that He open, none can close,Doors that He close, none can open"

I came to understand what this saying really means when I was offered a job opportunity at Trident. After being rejected by Shell (How sad..), I was prepared to spend my three months holidays just at home, lingering around like last year. However, just before my holidays start, I got a phonecall from Trident. They have agreed to take me in and hear this, without interview! I suspect they picked my application form randomly (probably with eyes closed and eni minie mou)...However, I trust that the hand of the Lord guided this. I mean, who else could have planned this? Out the few applications they received, they picked me! Imagine how thnakful I was for this. I was reminded of the verse I read from Psalm years ago on how He could change the tides and seasons. He was in control because He's the Creator. I felt very safe because I know that I'm in good hands.

I started my first day at work with mounted excitement. I didn't know what to expect but I quickly settled in. Partly was because I had such a nice group of colleagues. Though I was only and intern, they took me pretty much like one of their own. The warmth they showed touched me deeply. They allowed me to take part in their projects. The best thing was my supervisor took time off and taught me from basics. She was ever patient and throughout my internship period, I had not once saw her losing her temper despite the bugging from the people around. (So, guys, anyone wants me to intro?!! I don't think she mind younger guys. Haha...)

I had my own space and internet connection though I felt guilty for misusing it. All in all, I had learnt a lot from this internship and had made many friends as well. Three months zoomed past without me realising it. My internship with Trident has come to an end. I'm forever thankful for this opportunity to work with them.

Bird-Watching

2005-08-26T03:20:00.000+08:00

I felt a tug on my arm. I was jolted from sinking deeper into my thoughts. "Hey, what are you staring at? Not nice to stare," I heard her whispering. She has just saved me from what would have be an embarrassing moment of ignorance. I was looking at some folks around me without realising that I was actually staring at them.

I always have this problem. No..I wouldn't call it a problem. I just love watching people around me. I wouldn't deem myself as observant but I enjoy bird-watching. I could sit down by myself on a bench in a park and just watch the going-ons around me. Everywhere in fact. It was also relaxing to lie on a lazy chair on the beach and just look around. There are a lot of details that people overlook when they rush through their routines. Because I commute by train everyday to and from work, I had a lot of seeing to do.

There are actually a lot of interesting things to see. For one, I was in Sentral waiting for the Seremban train to arrive when this young couple came and stood behind me. They were fairly young, 18 years old perhaps. The guy was short but pleasant looking. The girl looks young and pretty naive. Nothing interesting about them until it caught my eye. The boy just couldn't get his hands off her. How inappropriate!

Before long, the train came and we pushed our way into the stomach of the train. I managed to get a seat while scores of people continue in their bid of cramming into the train. Finally, the alarm buzzed and the door slammed to shut. The young couple disappeared from my view.

Another familar looking lady came into my view. She's a humble yet elegant looking young lady. In her twenties perhaps. Poised, simple and yet, she has this exquisite aura about her. Hair hung loose from her shoulder. Clothes neatly worn. A simple, pleasant person. (Forgive me if I sounded like a stalker. I'm not..just observant)

People tend to pick things up when they take time to observe their surrounding. But in our busy world today, people just rush in into their daily routine and often lose sight of what it is all about..Imagine rushing through 40 years of your life and when you are 60 and retired, you look back and realised that you have not achieved much because you were too busy doing what the world sets and mould you to do. At the end of the day, you suddenly realised that you have totally missed the point. My...how tragic..I hope that doesn't happen..

Take time to smell the roses...my friends..

World of Irony

2005-08-23T09:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wished I was created without emotions. Then we can be shielded against all hurful, poisonous arrows of unkind words shot at us. We would be immuned to others irresponsible usage of sarcasm and deeds. The most heart-breaking thing is being in the midst of your close friends and yet feel isolated. How? It happens. I call it the ultimate loneliness. Being there and yet not there. Too difficult to comprehend?

Picture this, won't it be good if what I say does not affect you? In that case, we don't have to worry about misleading others, causing another brother to fall or the young ones to sin. People then need not be defensive of themselves. The world has turned upside down. The many homicide or suicide cases we hear of these days branched off from the inability of people to take and digest another person's irresponsible usage of words. Minor arguments that broke out lead to bigger dispute and soon, when anger starts to flare, people lose their mind. They start to do silly things. They become violent. They can even kill. You see, human are amazing creatures. We are so carefully and wonderfully made that every single brain cells we have are positioned rightly. When one unhappy word is heard, signals are sent across. Hormones implement its effects. And boom, one person can turn into a monster just like that. Control system fails. System crashed!

Now, anger is an emotion. If the world does not know anger, won't that be good? Jealousy is also an emotion. Envy and covetousness fall into the same category. If a couple knows not of jealousy, it would not irk one partner's anger unnecessarily if all the other partner does was purely conversing with a member of the opposite sex. However, without jealousy or envy, we wouldn't know how much the other party cares for us. People will become robotic. Relationship will become simple but steel-y.

Unfortunately, (fortunately, rather)it is also jealousy that God demand us to obey and love Him only and no one else. It was jealousy and love that made God send His beloved Son to die on the cross for our sins. It was this pure jealousy that He demands worship from us. It wouldn't be ideal in God's eyes if we were created without emotions. We would never come to know what's love. Without knowing what love is, we wouldn't appreciate His ultimate sacrifice.

It's really ironic. Love unites but it also divides. Emotions add salt and pepper into our lives but too much of it, life becomes too salty and it is bad for us. Ironic...

Malaysian at H-E-A-R-T

2005-08-05T08:19:00.000+08:00

I was surfing when I came across this article. This piece is easy to read and I must admit that its content is quite true. Haha...It did put me to shame to a certain extend but then again, this is what that distinguishes us from the rest of the world. Like it or not, it's an identity, an inseparable identity. Though not for the better cause. Enjoy it...

You complain about the quality of the pirated DVD you just purchased. "What, RM10 for DVD5?! Aiyah, boss ... sound no good, cheaperlah ...

"You're willing to consume sambal petai and durian and gladly suffer the bloating and wind-breaking incidents.You're exceedingly polite to the Mat Sallehs but you slag your own kind. "Hello, sir. Why don't you sit here, it?s got the best view of the city skyline." But, "Aunty-ah, your table is over there next to the kitchen.

"You order Maggi goreng and fried chicken, complain about how oily the food is, and then proceed to finish it anyway.You love to talk about food. You're already thinking about what to have for dinner while eating lunch. "I'm stuffed. What shall we have for dinner?

"You dive into a communal-style meal the moment the dish lands on the table only to hesitate at the last morsel of food on the serving dish. There are two possible explanations for this: the first is the pai seh (embarrassed) factor, while the other is the myth that the person who eats the last piece will be a spinster.

You hit the accelerator the moment the first drop of rain hits your windshield. "Alamak, it's going to rain. Sure traffic jam one. I'd better drive faster.

"You seize the opportunity to make a U-turn anywhere ... especially where there is a sign telling you not to. Well, so long as the cops aren't in sight.

Reality shows Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol dictate your social life. "What, no TV at the mamak? Count me out ? I'm staying home. Rinie needs my support.

"You pepper every sentence with lah. "No-lah, I can't see you today-lah. I have to study-lah. You know-lah, the prison warden aka mak is watching me like a hawk

"You fail to function normally without your daily dose of teh tarik and nasi lemak.

You slow down at an accident site to take down the car number plate, but won't step out of your car to help ? the victim could be a robber!

You'd rather park your car along the main road outside the mall, where there's a yellow line, rather than pay RM1 to park inside where there are adequate bays.You plead, bat your eyelids and relate a sob story to the officer at the town council office to let you off the hook (or reduce the amount considerably) for the fine you incurred when you parked your car on the double line.

You make an appointment for 10am and conveniently show up a half hour late ? Malaysian time, what ...

You pop open the wet tissue packet at the Chinese restaurant by squeezing the trapped air to the top of the packet before proceeding to smash your fist into it. The louder the pop the better.

You have roughly six meals a day (breakfast, mid-morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper). Then there's the snacking ? keropok ikan, pisang goreng, muruku, jam tarts and the like.

Your accent and language style vary according to the race of the person you are conversing with.

You've got a friendly disposition. Smiles are abundant and your "Apa khabar?" is warm and sincere.You exclaim loudly how expensive everything is, even though the items may in fact be going for a steal. "Wah! So expensive, ah? Hak sei ngor (Scare me to death)

You "dis" our country all the time, but as soon as something good happens (like winning the Thomas Cup), you morph into a proud Malaysian.

Time Out

2005-07-29T16:36:00.000+08:00

Since started working, I had hardly any time to rest. The same routine repeats everyday. Get up early, catch the train, work and work, get home, dinner and then sleep before going through the same process the next day. A friend commented, " Work really does make a person boring." I had to agree.

So, I decided to take a time out. Took 2 days leaves and went to Redang with my classmates. It proved to be a rejuvenating experience. I had so much fun. Snorkelling was a whole new experience and it was amazing being underwater and seeing so many beautiful, detailed creatures He created. I was awed..though there are some dead corals spoiling the picture, but nonetheless, the fishes were spectacular.

Talking about fishes, a friend and I decided to be mischievous. While others jumped into the sea to snorkel, both of us stayed on boat and feed the fishes with bread. He suddenly had sparkle in his eye and I knew it that at moment, he had a trick up on his sleeve. He shouted to another friend who was snorkelling near the boat, " Do you like fishes?" I caught the idea immediately. We both started throwing pieces of bread at him and instantly, fishes started to zoom in at him. Being underwater, it wasn't easy to turn around and "run". That poor guy had to put up with school of fishes around him until we both decided to stop the torture. Haha..

I had a share of that poor friend's experience while underwater. I tried feeding and it was really scary when the fishes zoomed in at your face. When the slimy fishes touch you, you'll get the goosebumps..Eeuww..

We continued our snorkelling adventure to a few other bays. The best was the one near my resort. We saw baby sharks and I wonder why the resort people bother bringing us to other bays when there's one nice one just right in front of us. We enjoyed the boatride nonetheless...Who wouldn't when their captain sped as if he owned the sea, zooming really near other boats and deceiving you into thinking that he's going to crash into them and swerving out of the way just right in time. Crazy rides...It was fun though I nearly slipped. Haha..

The sunrise in Redang was also magnificent. I savoured one beautiful sunrise on a hammock one morning. As the sun rose behind the clouds, the sea bathed in its rays. Yellow stripes appeared on the waters, the surrounding brightened up, swallowing the darker side of nature. The surrounding came into being and before you knew it, the sun has risen and a new day has just begun.

All in all, I had a great time. It was fun to play Taboo together. I laughed so much because it was really hilarious seeing my friends' expression in their desperate attempts to describe words. And trust me, imaginations can really run wild and get out of control. I just don't understand how the brains of a boy work. It really baffled me as to why simple words lead them to think of sex. I really just don't understand... Sometimes, it came to a point where I just don't know if I should laugh along or show angry face, especially when they go overboard. Baffling..Anyway, there was really a good display of teamwork and we bonded pretty quickly. That was the rewarding part, I suppose.

Man in Pink

2005-07-29T08:01:00.000+08:00

I have some guy friends who like pink. They wear different shades of pink shirts to classes. While the "man-lier" guys turned their heads and go, " Yer..how can you wear pink?", nothing seems to upset these pink guys. In fact, they are proud with bright and soft coloured shirts. As for me, I have nothing against pink guys, just that..well..I prefer them in darker shades of shirts.

A few of us were in a similar conversation yesterday night. I commented on a friend who was wearing a pink wristband. The conversation went well until another friend gave his million dollar view. He said, " You know something? Real man wear pink underwear." I was caught off-guard. What?! "It takes a real man to wear pink underwear" He re-affrimed his point. The whole group collasped in laughter. When everyone regains their composure, it began to dawn upon us that he wasn't joking.

" It takes a real man to go around the swimming pool in pink trunk."

I beg to differ. I disagreed. "Where got such thing?" I protested loudly.

Even if it really does take a real man to wear pink underwear, I would rather my future husband not be one....

Fragile Relationships

2005-07-29T07:30:00.000+08:00

A couple of my friends went through some painful break-ups with their girlfriends. It pains my heart to see them being sad and down. I begin to wonder. What causes such relationship to break? I had always had this idealistic picture of relationship. It is to be a sacred, sure, strong and secured relationship, leading to marriage. Why start a one when you are not sure if you're meant for each other? But then again, one may not know until they try...In that case, it'll be a trial and error process...meaning, let's try and see if this work out and in case it doesn't, we part ways..How sad..

I see people around me rushing into relationships. Some are more attractive than others. Some get "picked up" fast. At the end of the day, does it really matter? A close friend recently shared her bit with me. I'm glad that there're still some like-minded friends around. Hers was an even more trying one. Both of them prayed and were thankful that the Lord brought them together. However, they chose to wait because it would be a long-distance relationship. Can you imagine? Both knew that God had meant this for them but they still choose to wait and not rush head-on into it.

In the beginning, when God created Adam, He made Eve purposely for him. God had in mind who would be a good helper to Eve and He made just one, the right one for him. Can God not work the same thing today? I'm thankful that the Bible did not record many Eves and ask Adam to try and see which one work out. That, in a way, reaffirms my belief in finding the right one without trial and error. Idealistic..well..maybe I am..

At the meantime, I will just wait..

Presence of the Lord

2005-06-30T01:35:00.000+08:00

God answers prayers through ways that we never imagined. This song came to mind one mroning while I was at work.

Be still

Be still, for the presence of the Lord
The Holy One is here,
Come bow before Him now with reverence and fear,
In Him, no sin is found, we stand on Holy ground,
Be still, for the presence of the Lord,
The holy One is here.

Be still, for the glory of the Lord, is shinning all around,
He burns with holy fire, with splendour He is crowned,
How awesome is the sight, our radiant King of light,
Be still, for the glory of the Lord, is shinning all around.

Be still, for the power of the Lord, is moving in this place,
He comes to cleanse and heal, to minister His grace,
No work to hard for Him, in faith receive from Him,
Be still, for the power of the Lord, is moving in this place.

David J Evans

Being Still

2005-06-30T00:03:00.000+08:00

It has been a roller coaster of emotions for the past few weeks. Some unpleasant things happened at home and my plans to transfer over to the UK this summer came to a sudden halt. Everyone at home was bogged down by the incident. I was stuck in between. Though I wanted so much to discussed with my parents and decide once and for all if I should transfer, I coudn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bear to see the looks of " fan-ness" in my mother's face. All i did was keeping quiet and listening more. I was frustrated within but I was not in control of the situation. There was basically nothing that I can do except sit and wait. I didn't want to go through what I went through last year. Those frustrating, helpless months were mind-boggling and I did not want the same things to happen again.

Perhaps, this was the moments that I should pray more and learn to trust Him. I remember being angry and slashed out on Him. I questioned Him why had He planned this for me. There was so much obstacles in front that all I wanted to do was to bulldoze over. But in reality, I knew I couldn't do that. I regrettted, of course, for not trusting Him. Finally, I learnt to be humble and came to Him for forgiveness..What was I thinking?!! How could I slash it out on my Heavenly Father, the One who loved me so much and sent His Son to die for my sins?

Psalm 46:10- Be still and know that I am GOD

Funny Questions

2005-06-29T05:25:00.000+08:00

I must admit that I was never a big fan of blogs. In fact, during the earlier days when everyone around me started blogging, I wondered why are they doing that. I mean, why allow your fingers to dance on the keyboards and pour out everything personal about yourself and allow others to read it? I understand such feelings very well because I keep a diary myself and I make sure that I "hide" my diary properly lest it falls into the hands of anyone who come into my room. So, right now, you must be wondering why am I not walking my talk?

Frankly, I do not know it myself. Probably was because I have been visiting others' blogs and suddenly realised that this may be an easier channel to write things out. (Since I am always connected to the Internet nowadays- thanks to my internship and my kind company for granting me internet connections!) Another reason is the realisation that a blog, if not misused, can serve as a channel of connection between myself and others whom I have not been meeting up. Or perhaps, this is an outsource of my feelings and thoughts. Haha..anyway, since this is my first entry, I shall not bore everyone to death with my justifications to blogging.